Thursday, December 27, 2007


Well, we're off!


We are going to NYC for new years. we will go to the vermier/rembrant show at the MET, and see NYC all dressed up for the holidays. we will go to a Super Science themed party- we will have aviator goggles to wear to said party. and we will enjoy seeing the back side of NYC and Brooklyn with Meg and Matt.

that part is less theory, than the part about our flight actually leaving Denver tonight.

fingers crossed.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

since Tim hasent said anything....

He got a new job!

his blog leaves you thinking that he is un-employed, when really he is to report to work on the 2nd.

it will be 1/3 the commute and almost time and a half the pay. yea!

all we need now, is to figure out the name of the place and where it is. :)

Tuesday, December 25, 2007


Wednesday, December 19, 2007

riding the bus with tim and other adventures.

its well known by now, that i don't ride the buss that often, but i do ride it with tim occasionally.

we got on at what Tim calls, "one of the creepiest bus stops in all of Denver." I think this is most likely because there are always people loitering there, waiting for one of the 6 buses that goes by there, all times of the day. that corner- though near allot of other more fixed up blocks- is particularly sad, with a gated up, abandoned looking building, trash, grime and construction across the street.
there was the man in a long blue polyester/nylon jacket, wearing a crappy see through, woven cowboy hat and missing- from what i could see- most of his teeth. he reminded me of "midnight cowboy," and of what i can only assume would have happened to that guy in real life.
he was with a woman who was slightly less creepy. i could only guess where they had been and where they were going.
they helped a new rider find the correct bus stop.

there were the teen aged black kids, riding home from a day of picking out Christmas presents on 16th street mall. they shared an ipod.

the other black kid- and the only other person who appeared to be dressed as warmly as tim and I, wearing a black long haired rabbit coat with hood.
he chatted briefly with the 2 Hispanic guys who went out grocery shopping in flannel shirts and a cam corder. they looked cold.

there were no less than 5 guys dressed in work cloths that suggested that they were doing construction of some sort.

they all exited at various stops. and i found myself wanting to everything about them.


in further news I attended White Christmas last Saturday. it was alright. couldn't hear allot of it, and there were some serious costume/time period issues.

walking back to our car we were behind a couple kids about my age. they were wearing black.
my mom and mother inlaw signaled for me to slowdown, "to put more space between us."
now, i'm a rather jumpy person. i'm more cautious than most people i know. and allot of things make me nervous. these boys did not bother me at all. in fact they were about the least creepy, non-family, i may have ever seen down town. mild punkers, in black. prolly gamers a bit too. harmless. [also it was 5pm.]
how sad. these boys were NOTHING compared to the bands of hooligans that roam 16th in droves. some of them are also harmless. i bet most would fight or at least seriously hassle you if you gave them any crap. these are the kids that saw Tim carrying a sward and preceded to surround him and follow him, asking stupid middle school esk questions like "do you have a girrrrl friend?" and so forth- went as far as to try to take his sward [in box], and follow him down the street for a ways.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

these should really be seperate posts.

I watched a 4th grader dash across a slippery Federal Blvd. this morning.- half a block from a light. between a bunch of cars.

I've been meaning to blog for a while now. allot of things. They've been dancing around in my head and i have been unable to put them together coherently into words.

I think most of it has been about Christmas, the season and everything around it.

no, I don't like that the Halloween display had been shoved aside a week before Halloween to make room for Christmas.
No, I don't like that Thanksgiving is pushed to the wayside. or that the Thanksgiving weekend is more about sports and super sales than about spending time with family and friends, playing outside and generally enjoying the first rush of the holiday season.
Yes i think people are loco for fighting for and spending frightening amounts of $ on the "IT" toy of the season.
You've it heard it all for years now. the commercialism is out of control. every one is cynical. its a scam. its a budget buster, that leaves people feeling ill long after most of the toys are forgotten, its not about Christ. [as far as I'm concerned thats what easter is for.]

I love the holidays.
i love Santa clause.
i love lights.
i love candles.
i love cookies and baking.
i love dinner party's and weekend adventures with friends.
i love shoveling snow.
i love shopping for gifts for people, and trying to find something just right. [some years it goes better than others.]
i love night time walks and being all bundled up.
i love the nostalgia and the memorabilia.
i love sitting by the fire.
i love seeing everything decorated up. be it beautiful, expansive [and expensive] decorating down town or in nice restaronts, or cheese-y paper cut outs taped to walls and tensile.
i love sending and getting holiday cards.
i LOVE LOVE LOVE having a Christmas tree. everything that it entails- form picking it out at the lot, to the disasters of trying to get it set up, to decorating, enjoying and appreciating what the season was when you take it down after new years.
I love old tv Christmas specials- which are never the same if you just watch it on video.
fuck, i even love coke commercials.

people have reasons for not liking the holidays, that are different for the usual reasons. the Christmas of my sr. yr of high school, a friend died, a kid in my French class had an angerism, a teachers husband was killed by a drunk driver. when i was in 6th grade my grandpa passed away early morning Christmas eve.

its sad. its horrible. and whose happens to family's every yr.

don't shun the holidays because they are hard. embrace them.

as i sit and watch my Christmas tree glow, i like to take some time to think about those that i miss and those that matter in my life.

Thursday, December 06, 2007


funny pictures
moar funny pictures">

this things are really more relavent if you have frequent conversations with tim and i

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

ah... lovecraft.

funny pictures
moar funny pictures">

Monday, December 03, 2007

denvers drunkest

who knew.

Thursday, November 29, 2007


absolutely terrifying web site of the day.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

more ramboling.

the j-ello didn't go as planned. apparently liquer weakens the consistancy- thus making it not mold quite right.

though my mom liked DDR, so were having an after TG DDR day. should be good.

so. ozzy had this crazy idea that he wanted to go outside this morning- most likely he and falkor needed a break from fighting. Instead of doing his usual, go out, discover its fucking cold and then come running back in- he wandered off.

took me half hr to get him to come home.- then i locked my keys in the car. thank good the side door hasn't been fixed, so i could get back in and get tim's car key.

it empty at work today. though it does not feel like a holiday is as far away as tomorrow. I've got some graphics that I'm enjoying working on. its coming together slowly, but i think its going to be good when it all done.

Saturday, November 17, 2007


to day i am introducing my mom to ddr.

i am also making molded jello w/ army guys in it.


Tuesday, November 13, 2007


i have a winter birthday. - yes, i know its still technicall fall for a few more weekes afterwords. but seriously. its december. its winter.

i have never tired of a winter birthday eaither. i always hope for snow. snow and sledding and hot chocolate- and new disney movies. its a very lush season for partys and celebration.

my only complaint has been finals. i have been routenly ditched on friday afternoon, or saturday night so that people can study for finals. [ i have never understood this. i have never studied for anything on a saturday night.]

usually i'm not a big party person. alot of times i spend my birthday with one or 2 people.
this year i am feeling up to a group outing.

yes, my first choice is night sleading. but i know better than to count on snow.

what i think we will do is go to Zoo Lights. they open friday dec. 7th.
then dinner- someplace warm for food and drinks.

any one who wants to join us is welcome to- further information will be posted at a lator date.

Monday, November 12, 2007

new things.

there have been lots of things on my mind latley.

most things that I do not feel are directly my buisness to post about.

however, this is our first set of holidays married. Last yr. was mre or less do things w/ family. see each outher later- which is how it usually is for the first yr. you are dating.
now we are married.
now we have to cordinate thanks giving and xmas.

ooooooo boy.


on a further note- i am trying to decided what to do for my birthday. [maybe it will snow and we can go night sleading.]

Tuesday, October 30, 2007



ok, so i only looked at the pictures. i really know nothing aobut this. but i like the looks of it.

thats my kind of laptop.

Monday, October 29, 2007


seriously- the fact that we swept the pennent is a down right amazing disney movie all on its own.

who cares that they didnt win the world series? red sox were on their 3rd year, and second win. they are the better team.

what this has done for the rockies is even better though. they didnt win. but next season there will be fans in the seats and energy in the stadium, like there hasnt been in years. Now they have something to work towards- and we have something to rally them on about.

be a true fan and contenue suporting the team. they might supprise you.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

first snow

first snow of the fall.

the little boys across the street wasted no time in creating a snow man with a large speer through his gut.

its goign to be a good winter.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Grossest thing EVER.

so i'm driving home.
stoped in trafic, and the car to my left bus up and the passenger flips the contents of the ash tray out the window.

and where does alot of that airborne grim go?




Thursday, October 11, 2007


ok, so the party bug bit me.
all it takes in zero time and way to much to do to get me rolling.

still dont have pictures from people- some from boog, but a number from wolvie aer good- i just need them in decent pixil size to get them printed.

after the party our lives will calm down again..... we can stop spending money .. at least a little.. and go back to getting home before 7pm everynight.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007


well, we're back.

honeymoon was good. a bit of rain... some faboulose food, damn dogs, hot springs, beautiful and death defing passes marked as "senic biways" and most of all, a chance to relax and unwind.

see you all at the party.

Friday, September 28, 2007

its friday

its friday again.
how fast it came. yet, thinking about last friday seams like ages ago.

what happened this week? nothing more or less exciting than last week. nothing more or less infuriating or tragic or silly.

saturday, as always is jam packed, while sunday is for soccer, cleaning and napping.
There was dance class, dinners, game night, tv premiers, walks and tests.

we lay awake most nights talking for hours, about... everything...

is there quarrel? climax? not really. mostly minor things. mostly sillyness and giggles to win over the darkforces of office bullshit and god awfull classes.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


Is it discerning that there is a Vet Clinic on Federal that looks just like a Mexican Restaurant?

Thursday, September 06, 2007

drive home

as i drive down Fedral on my way home I see a company called Duratex. It is pleasently located between 2 strip joints.

pvc clothing?

i'm not sure.

Sunday, August 26, 2007


i hate it. there should be some ruling in the adult leagues, that if its over 85 deg. out the games need to be 60 min instead of 90.

Friday, August 17, 2007

thank you for joining us

for our daily presentation of "LOAD OF CRAP"

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

photos. xoxo

As it happends, we are all our own worst critic. I think i will be happy when i get a chance to look through all the photos that everyone took, and can pull the ones i really like. But for now, here are some our friends have chosen to send us- photos they liked. Enjoy.

Sun set in front of the cabin.
Moof, our officiant in his full Hitchhikers Guide regula.

Monday, August 13, 2007


we got hitched this weekend.

our minor planning was pretty much thrown through the window from the get go...
you know fire ban.. work... etc...etc...etc...

it was great.

couldent have asked for a better wedding.

many of our dearest friends were there. we had crazy mass photo ops. Ben walked me down the aisle and Cecil played guitar.

for us, it was perfect.

i realize that many people have ideas aobut big fairy tail weddings. thats what they want. and thats fine. but if you want my opinion- and obviously you do, because your reading my blog-
this is what weddings are supposed to be. A celebration with people you love. put on some nice cloths. maybe add some flowers to make things pretty keep it short and sweet and close to the heart.
in short... simplify. in the end it dosent matter if things didnt match. or if you spent $700 on invitations and $2k on a cake.

no we didnt get to have a big bonfire. no we didnt get married on the top of the mountain. no there was never a drinking game involving barrels of monkeys. But- it was wonderful and magical and everything my heart desired.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

this is it.

This is it.

We are getting married this weekend.

the cordinating of getting 15 people into the mountains is enough to make us glad we arent dealing with anything larger.

seriously people. gas is expensive. CARPOOL. you phone may not work and the dirt road is a bit trixie. CARPOOL. there is limited parking up there. CARPOOL.


anyway, were excited.... so excited. :) will be a fun 'ol cabin trip weekend.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

i got smashed with my parents and their friends on 12 yr old single malt scotch.... and talked to a guy whos the head of one of the biggest seed companies in Germany about climbing Mt. emi -shan.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

no so wok

i almost had another photo of Ozzy in the wok.. but he jumped out and ran away when Tim started licking his lips. mmmmm emergency food source....

Monday, July 23, 2007


I iz in da sink.

Saturday, July 14, 2007


i'm getting married.
in one month.

really i should be worried or ancy, or having second thoughts. i don't, I'm not.

I'm not just "ready to be married," because thats not it at all. asked that question and i would probably say no. But i am ready to be married to Tim.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007


i rode my scoot yesterday, for the first time in about 3 weeks...
i had been riding every day for a month and a half while i was out a car.

I've stopped riding lately because it has an issue with starting when its hot out, which leaves me stranded for a couple hrs until it cools down. i need to get this fixed.

i love my vespa. i have wanted one since i was about 7. i will have a vintage one, one day when i can afford to take on another insurance... or i convince Tim that it would be the bestist anniversary gift ever.. and he has the kind of income to support it. i would let him ride it sometimes....

there is something about the smell of the machine, that relaxes me, makes me want to start riding and only stop for sanwhiches.
it not just the iconism of the vespa and all it conjours, but the entire experience.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

1 yr.

Its been a year.
emotions have been high this week. it dosent help that work has been stressfull and so forth.

so much has happened in a year.
i dont feel like going back into it. go back and read my blog, its almost a year it's self.

last year life turned a new corner on july 5th.

This year it turns a differnt corner on Aug. 11th.

Sunday, June 17, 2007



Monday, June 11, 2007


mondays and tuesdays are lonely.

Sunday, June 03, 2007


in moving, we discovered a few things.

i, apparently, have a lot of chairs.... for those of you who helped us move i have 3 more that are not here yet.

we have a combined 7 pitchers and 9 sauce pans....

we still had no more that 1 decent knife.

new stoves make nasty plastic burning smells when you first use them.. and many other "our first apartment" stories that will be told till you are sick, and if you are not by then, we will force you to look at our lovie dove-y screen wallpaper. please aim away from the keyboard.

Saturday, June 02, 2007


i am beginning to think we should have named Ozzy "MasterCard."

because, for the love of god, he is everywhere you want to be.

Friday, June 01, 2007


today i walked thorugh a heard of dandylion fuzz as it rummbled across the parking lot, on its way to new and exciting adventures.

Monday, May 21, 2007

spain 2

yesterday we saw the castle on the mt.... which was really a curch, and very old, small amusement park.

also went up to national art museum of catalyna, on olympic hill. it was closed, but beautiful. we can go back later this week.

today the beach and placa de musica de la cantalyna.. and so forth.. rain this morning...

Sunday, May 20, 2007


amy and i are now in barcelona spain,
visited sangrada famili - and i will correct spellings of places when i get back-
and park Guell-
very fun. marta has been showing us arround. now we sit in an in and internet cafe.. we heard the fray.. and now someone else we know but dont know te name of.. not REM .. but close, i think.
very much europe. not quite china. good time none the less.
will be hitting the beach and mediterianian on monday.


Thursday, May 17, 2007

todays the day!

today's the day Amy and i are headed for Barcelona, Spain.

Monday, May 14, 2007


and so it rains tonight.

there are 2 thoughts in my head. one is the more basic of the 2. for once i am not out riding in it.

the other a slurry of memories and ideas.
i had heard at soime point that when it rains during a funeral it means god is drying adn the person is goin to heaven.
the problem with that statement is, if its not raining where you are on the day of a funeral, you might feel bad or something. I think it is really more to comfort those who do have rain during funerals.

it rained at columbine... for the week or 2 afterwards it rained, it seemed, everyday.
now this is not a subject that i bring up often, we heard too much bull shit about it in general.
but those families are still suffering the loss of loved ones. and that, is not fake. or media driven.

when columbine happened i sent out an email- reading something to the extent of: as it rains tonight we cry for those that were lost. it was poetic, i don't remember most of it anymore. with in an hr i had that email back. my name had left the bottom of it, but the forwarding had already reach hundreds of people.

when it rains in late spring i think of my grandfather, grandmothers, neighbors, friends and students- that seem to always go in the spring, and who i have never forgotten.

so i send this message into the deep void; none of you have been forgotten, you remain in my heart always.

when it rains, i cry and the memories flood back anew.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

highway biology

i have been going to boulder a cupple times a week now for a while for soccer.

a cupple weeks ago i noticed a dead cyote by the side of the road.

every time i pass it is slightly more decomposed.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

find me a car!

ok kids, i'm looking for a mid/late 90s subaru/ civic/ accord/ something else i find acceptable, for $5k or less.

let me know if you see something that sounds like this that lives a seditary life- that is to say it can be found in the same place of various occasions.

Thursday, May 03, 2007


when i ride my scooter I feel like evil knevil.

might be the white jacket.

might be the goggles.

all i know is, i need a cape.


thanks to rosco for the homage to REX

Tuesday, May 01, 2007


goodbye REX.

good times and bad, you were fun.

glad i got to kiss you good bye.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Oooooow... SPICY!


we are attempting to re-create "hot pot" as had in Chengdu. we have all the needed ingredients, and no recipe. So we're winging it!

Let us know if you are interested in having a good time and some hot food, Saturday night.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

all things moving forward.

curiosity really does kill the cat.
morbid curiosity really.

long story short. things ended, i moved forward with my life. i assumed he moved on with his. suddenly he was back in my life. we have preceded to be friends. hung out regularly for a while, but that oo has fallen by the way side, between travel and other plans. not on purpose. it just has. this has happened with other firends too. everyone is busy in their own lives.

so tonight i read his blog. he is finally the person i knew he could be. the one that i saw sometimes that was trying to get out. now hes there. making friends, gaining back into old social groups. doing things by him self, going to events.

I am happy for him. hes a good person. even though i have moved forward. in ways i know have absolutely crushed him. he is still putting his best foot forward. I am happy where i am now and who i'm with and where my life is going. but still as i read, there is a pang of jealousy. mainly because hes doing thins now that he wouldn't do with me and flat out refused. and also there is some deep seated anger, that even though i have forgiven him, i am still angry about.[logically he is forgiven, emotionally, it still hurts.] things you could call small things, but that spoke loudly, and even now still hurt horribly.

Sunday, April 22, 2007




its a little bigger than my current one. wood floors. an attic and a secret passage!so end of may we are both relocating to north denver.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007


so.. the sickness that has apparently been going arround the office is now here. that right folks i may very well have another round of strep. i'm going to the dr. tommorrow.
I got to leave work ealry, good generaly, but it was going to be a good week. company meeting, nice lunch out, and a visite to the screen printers and another lunch out. a soccer game... good stuff, you know.

hopefully its just a head cold and i can go to work tommorw...

today is also tim's surgery. thats right folks, he will now have a bullet proof groin.

i was going to go hang out w/ him today, but i do not want to get him sick as well, or katy for that matter.

my lawn needs to be mowed.

i watched running w/ sissors this afternoon... [ok i started it at like, 11:30am], very good. glad i finally got to see it. didnt seem to get much press when it came out and went through the theaters quick. also finally saw a preview for half nelson. i tink i will have to see that as well.

so sad, i was looking forward to seeing the boy this afternoon... but that has been squashed. after a nice weekend of sitting arround i was lookngiforward to a busy week. today i could concevibly get something done.. but my head is a bit fuzzy and i cant think of anything i have been wanting to do.

Monday, April 09, 2007


chocheesecake in bed.
cho. bunnies.
inflatable monkey
apples to apples

Thursday, April 05, 2007


HISTORICAL ZOMBIE FICTION! how could not want to wrte a short story for that?

ok, i prolly wont, but i know some one else who will.

i went grocery shopping today. i was out of paper towles, tp, ramen, mac n cheese, etc... it dosnt matter that ihave the ingrediants for shrimp scampi w/ grilled asperigus in my friedg, that will not get me through the general week.
so right now this very moment i am boiling eggs to put in spicy pickle juice, and making mac n cheese. why? well i like pickled eggs.. and mac n chees sounds reallly good even though im not hungrey. prolly 3 bites tonight and the rest for breakfast.

i sohuld be in bed... but i didnt really get home untill 8 and i hate getting home and then going to bed and then going to work again in the morning.
i am picky aobut my appartment and soforth, because i want to enjoy being home. and i do. im just not here nearly enough. sadly i have to move again in june. several reasons. so tim and i are on the hunt for a new "perfect place."
hopefully we will find it. becuase i hate settling. maybe its because i'm an only child and usualy get what i want, and maybe its because i'm picky. but really if i'm going to pay good money to live somewhere i want to rally enjoy it. because i like being home.
eaither way. it will be happy. i will have a boy to kiss good night every night of the week, and he can stop having to decided between the kitten and me. now i just need to get kitten to stop trying to sleep on my head.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

silly e-mail

silly e-mail.
it is so easy to morph a perfectly well intended question into A. something that was not at all down the road you wanted to go and /or B. make the entire qusetion come out entirly wrong to begin with.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

in general news

i havent blogged hardly at all since we returned form china.
i dont know why, i just havent had much tosay. which is odd considering all the stuff thats been going on. but yeah.
have been shopping, working, party planning, figuring out how to pay for said party, house hold chores and etc.
outdoor soccer started. i am down to 1 team, its jsut expensive, and i'm paying for alot of things this yr. always up for more free physical activitys if anyones intrested. tennis or running, or anything really. i cant throw worth a darn, but i'll try.

mowed the lawn today.
i should sort laundry, we will see if i will.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

for your information.

i'm pretty sure that all who read my blog also read tims blog, but i will tell you anyway,

we are now engaged.

as i typed that i invisioned the culkin screem... heh

Friday, March 23, 2007

things were not telling you about china

things we have not told you aobut china:

its dreary.
its very western.
we could not identify most of the thigns we ate.
we ate at a place where a dog wandered out of the kitchen. a very hairy dog, mind you.
people can do anythign w/ a cleaver. like shave chestnuts. yeah.
we were once on a bus and a gaggle of old women got on.. like 25 or more.
anything involving transportation is a wonderful adventure.
it is possible to get a job as a stick weilding, monkey chaser.
fried bananas w/ chocolate are phonominal.
lines are not important.
1st bank can check your account, cancle your card and put one in the mail in less than 3 min.
the previous can be achieved from a street corner in china.
it is not unheard of to go hiking in high heals, leather pants and or a mini skirt.
starbucks only carries half its menue.
mc donalds has a hotel.
you can go shoping in underground markets in abandoned rail stations.
womens underwear is easy to come by.
you can swing a very large sward arround in a public park and it is perfectly ok.
when you order duck you get they head and tung too.
meals eaten on top of mountains are incredibly wonderful.
middle aged chinese men will find it hilarious when you want "goat fucker" carved into a stamp.
and, you can bas all of your directions off a 6 storie statue of Mao.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

china part 1

ok.. so... still not intrested in blogging... but here we go:

day 1, tim and i in the peoples park. everything in china is blooming.

day 1 still . having our first tea at a tea house.. which rally wasnt a house, it was an outside seating area... no building included, we dont actually know where they got the hot water.

day 2. pagoda at Du Fu's cottage...

du fu's cottage.. we never actually saw, but the park was nice.. they were handing out shots.. which of course convinced us we needed to but liquer from the hot little asian girl. go go team marketing.

day 2. me w/ flowering quence... garden along the rive walk ways.

I am not particularly in the mood to blog aobut china. maybe because we talked oaubt it so much. so i will waite for tim to tell all the funny stories and if i think he has missed something i shall post it... allso having photo saving problems on my comp. so we'll see how many more photos you get.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

a long day.

a long day has many parts. some days seem like it just one thign. you go to work.. you come how and eat dinner and go to bed.. well, more or less. then there are those days where you feel like there are sections. when one ends, somethign entirly diffent begins.

today is one of the long days.

it started out good, i slept but wolk up excited, thinking the work day would go fast and etc.

then i had a review... and for the most part its was fine. but there were a few things. sigh.. maily things that i can argue my side on, adn my boss would never fully understand, and i could never change her opinion, because alot of it comes down to wording and interpration of wording. and someone who, no matter how close youve done something to what theve asked, it will never be good enough. ever. and who really dosnt want to know why it takes you a good 30 min to burn a CD, just because they dont think it should. and could but dont do it them selves.
also annoyed me thats eh brough up things that eaither i never knew aobut or that were form 6 months ago, and have not been a problem since.

it is hard to feel like you are on a level playing filed when you are 20 + years yonger than most of your coleagues. and i just dont have the expierance to have everything down as pat as they do. no mater how many questions i ask, there will always be a communication problem. when i sit in a meeting i just dont follow whats being decided or discused very well.
its ahrd to get ahead when you cant ever do anything right.

so. now. my good mood has dwindled down to wanting to bolt. and not caring what i get done befor i leave the office. hopefully i will be able to regain my good mood later tonight.

and that last part of my day? about the time i usually get in bed i will be boarding a plane for LA. i leave LA at 12:30 at night. thankgod i can sleep any time any place.

Sunday, February 25, 2007


friday i was exhosted. went to bed aobut 9 and slep for 12 hrs. felt good all day saturday, untill arround 10, when we left the party and my stomach started to hurt. i had dinner, hrs earlyer, and it was only mac and cheese, and didnt drink at all.
slept ok, well except for the occasional visite by a cat.. who was A. hot, B. purring increddibly loudly, C. decided he needed to be on my chest or up against my head and D. felt the need to- after a while- start biting me.... fortunatly only my fingers. then he got thrown out.
about 7:30 my tomach started to hurt again....
ok, fast forward many hrs. still hurts, and im tired. trying to pack for China. trying to do 2 week old dishes and laundry- and get things in order for not being here for a week and a half.

in other news, one of my BNL cds has dissapeared. i know i had it in the move, but cant seem to find it anywhere.

trying to figure out the best way to pack 2 pint bottles for plane flight. Cecil, it appears, desperatly misses american beers and IPA inparticular. [ sorry cecil, thats all your getting. ] So , if anyone has any expierance/ good suggestions on this, let us know. like... by tuesday.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007


so, the weather is deffinatly getting better.

i got my scoot out and about sunday. i havent ridden since thnaksgiving, so it was a good time. I was worried, since im not a fabulose rider anyway that i might be a bit wabblie.. but not. things were just fine.

trying to get the rest of my things together for the trip to chengdu. a bit nervius... but i'm sure it will be fine. and if anything, it will all be an adventure, and many stories afterward.
I cant promis that i will keep an uptodate blog on our daily expierances, but i will try... and by try, i mean it will prolly last 2 days. but o well. theorie has it that between tim, cecil and me you will get the jist of the story.

Saturday, February 17, 2007


the funny thing aobut reading travel books and trip planners, etc is that they always talk aobut trying not to stand out as a touerest.
technically its good info.. places like NYC, there are epoel from every place on earth, and you would never know who has be there 2 days or 20 years.

but in the case of this trip, i must say. we will stick out no matter what.

humm.... white white skin, red hair/ 6' tall/ 6' 8" tall and beard.. yes. yes. we might be touerest.


Friday, February 16, 2007

red light

on my way to work this morning i was at a stop light. a stoplight i would like to mention i watch a person fly through ion the redest light. ever.
while at the light i watched a man... a blue collar work, on his way to what ever his job might be, leave his bus stop, walk down to the corner and across the street. on the opposite side was a woman w/ a guide stick. he lead her back across the street on the same light, and went back to his bus stop.. and she headed on her way down the street in the opposite direction.
they didnt know each other, few words were said.
though a display of kindness and curtsy that i dont see nearly enough.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

i dont know eaither.

i'm the kind of girl that crys. i just do. a lot of times over nothing. i get to the point some days where thats the only way i'm going to feel better.
i can t cry in front of him. i'v needed to cry for the last 24 hrs... but, couldent. everything from work stress, to hating to shade of blue in these jeans, to the weather and my neck hurting.

i know he dosent know whats wrong, and unfortunitaly, i dont eaither.

but as soon as he turns his back and walks away the tears come flowing.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

flanders fields

IN FLANDERS FIELDS the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead.
Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

it is valentines....
i started out in a good mood. got a cupple valentines from my aunts...
and now my mood dwindles.

Flanders Fields, is one of my favorite poems... well, honestly i dont know many poems, but this is one i contenue to go back to. i associate it w/ valentines day. i dont know why, maybe because of the color red, maybe because to me valentines marks the end of winter and the beggining of spring- note referance to poppies, one of my favorite flowers...
i realize it is aobut the horrers of war in france. but.... it seems fitting. today.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

the day to day change of an inatiment object that i have not been recording.

as i drive home along 58th between lamar and sheridan, i can see a building going up. every day it changes a little more. some days a substantial amount has happened- say a few walls have gone up, and others, like today, i could see lonely after examination that they were putting the first layer of roofing on. the walls are all poured concrete, the kind w/ design lines in the molds to tell the masons where the different colors start and finish on the outer layer.
for some reason this project has sparked my interest- like the shoe at work, i wish i had caught it on the first day and begun taking pictures so as to see the real progress on a day by day play.


Valentines is here again. the one holiday you hear the most distaste for, and yet the hype is still there.
it was a good holiday in school , when everyone was forced to give cards to everyone else, and it involved candy, orange drink and stickers. as we grow up all sorts of notions fill our heads as to what the holiday should be. there are lots of sources to blame, so i wont list them here. you all know what they are. in fact, you all know exactly what i'm talking about. the holiday that no one likes, but everyone hopes will be extraordinary for them.
everyone handles this in a different way. some plan to boy-cott all together... others just gripe.. and I, ... well, I like to make the best of it. because I, like every onether girl.. knows its a bullshit holiday. Knows i dont want a dumb diamond tennis bracelet, but when it comes down to it, really hope i'll end up surprised with something special in the end.- so. ,because this holiday is what it is, i try to keep the spirit of 3rd grade valentine partys alive... i send out numerous valentines every yr. [if you dont get one form me, i am here now saying, "happy valentines!" there are other sappy things... like, "i love each of you from the bottom of my heart, you are good and special people and you are loved." but that comes off as horribly cheesy.] so valentines are sent, and cheep flowers from the safeway are bought, and distributed to whoever looks like they really need something special that day.
i started doing this in high school.... the first time i did it, i could see how much it ment to some people to receive a pretty flower to carry around that day. so i keept doing it.
i'v had good and bad valentines. i dont really need to get into it here, but for those of you reading, and thinking, yeah but you have some one and its all good... i have been on the other side, plenty often.

so why is it, that a person can feel loved daily. random things can be done through out the yr, on non prescribed "special" days, but yet- you yern for valentines to be really special? i know theres the general advertising and hooplaw around it, but, why does it matter so much? its just one day. i ask this as a person who doesn't nessicairly care for the holiday, but who, in the end, wants it to be special.

and so, that being said, i point out the general, over talked aobut, guy must do something great and the girl expects it argument, yadda yada yada....
and i ask my self: what am i planning? i want it in return, so what am i planning?
well.. nothing really. i had several ideas... most of them cost more money than i'm looking to spend on much of anything right now, due to travel plans and what not.
see... i used to do cards. because my family does cards, we would have a fun breakfast w/ the table set nice, and have cards for each other.. and maybe there would be a little gift.. like a fun pair of socks, or a book or something.
but i stopped doing cards... when my general belief that if you set the example for someone else they will do the same in exchange. [ i realize sometimes the other person just dosent even see that its something you want repeated back.] never really was reciprocated. something done by hand or picked out w/ care.. something shared and thoughtfully written inside. always seemed to me it showed more than a present. but...
i stopped doing that. i dont even know what to write anymore. i'm not a good writer. what i write here, i rarely read again and is generally just babble that i never seem to quite get out in conversation. but when i try to write.. i cant.. i am an image person, not a word person.

so this yr what am i going to do? i dont know. i know that prolly something will come to mind, because i cant quite believe that even if it isn't reciprocated, it isn't appreciated.

i know what i want to do... but it cant happen, not tomorrow and not any time soon.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

heiniken is only worth it on sale. who knew.

so whats hte big deal with heiniken?
i bought some today at the store.. for 2 reasons. 1. i'v never had it and theres always alot of hooplaw arround it and 2.. wel... 2. because it was on sale. i'm cheep like that.

it tastes just like moosehead of rolling rock. Maybe iv just done horrive things to my tates buds over the years and i cant tell the subtle differance the make heiniken better than the others. though, for all the rep it has, it never shows up at partys. naw maybe thats because at our partys the boys in charge of beer like IPAs and so forth.. so we do alot of expirimenting, and not drinking of light beers.

it was really beautiful this weekend. i hope you all went out side.
though fast. too fast. my weekends arnt long enough. i dont know if its because my weeks are super stressful that by sunday, i feel as if i'm just starting to un wind, and rally need another day, but then monday is here again and were off and running. now i know i'm young and all that- dont have a fmialy, kids etc when i coe home. but still, this is plently right now. there is only one person i want to see when i get home from work. when i dont, i'm sad, even if i know theres no way he would be there because hes at work himself. july really cant come fast enough. at least in that sence.

so i sit here, watching the grammys, having only heard maybe one or 2 songs this yr. [w/ my headacher and tired eyes, dreading monday], and thnking that i need to rip more of my cds, and buy more music in general. listining to music is simlar to reading. the mmore you listen and the more diverse what you listen to is, the more you will grow and round out as a human being. i dont read enough and i dont listen to nearly enough music.

Friday, February 09, 2007

you people make me want to fucking shake the bullshit out of you.


sometimes people just make me so mad.
its been a bad week at work.
and everywhere else.
drama drama drama.

sometimes you just want to grab them by the shoulders and shake the crap out of them.
and by crap i mean the actualy shit they are spewing, weather it be at me or anyone else in my general vacinity.
and whats sad is that they fully believe they are acting in an appropriate manner, and that they are saying nothing wrong.
and i know, that there is nothing i can say that would change anyones mind. the minds are made up and the stupidness is perminatly stapled to their brain.

now, i dont mean that i dont generaly like all the people that pissed me off this week. in general they are decent human beings. but not this week. dear loard, not this week.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

new post

i have been absent from posting for a few days... not for lack of things to talka obut but rather not talking about them.

i am not talking oaubt friend drama
i am not tlaking oaubt work.
we are not discussing my lack of typing ability.

so what can i tlak aobut?

well.. lets see....

i have been roller skating on the weekends. i am getting better, my balence felt better this last week when i got on the rink, and my shins and anckles dont hurt as much eaither.
we rented the illusionest... it was alright. and something else, i dont kwo if it was kung fu or ninjas.. i slept thorugh the first hr, and then went to bed- i promply had a kitten try to attack my face.... he was removed form the room, then i slept.
tryed to go to Istanbul Grill... but it was GONE. so sad. had to have thebest noodlesin denver at Oshama Raman.... good stuff.
had planned for a night out sat as it was not supposed to be quite so much along the lines of frost bite, but in the end went to the grocery store after wendys at, like, 10 pm... it was good stuff.
also sat i ran erronds. like barnes and noble and target.

the weather was finally good today... i went out side and walked at lunch. i needed it.

my attempt at making valentines was.. not what i intended.. had a hard time and never did get the motherboard out of my old box. so, its clasic construction paper doilies and glitter. i need to get those in the post soon. i need to do alot of things soon... like put away my clean laundry.. and so forth. i keep thinknig i will be super productive on the weekend, since when i get home at night i dont even want to think aobut it... i am toast. i look at pretty pictures in magazines or read or watch northern exposier. but then.. my weekends are even fuller than my week.. and i am nt ever home and little gets done. i need to nip that in the bud. i like to be busy, but i ahve been too busy lately. i need to finish w/ all the boxes in my living room.. and deal w/ laundry and all that.

on the plus side tim will be closer.... prolly it will still take him an hr to bus to my place... but at least its not 2.... thoguh it does less happy things to his other comutes. and he will be 15 min form me.... and not 18 miles.. but like... 7
or less
and scooterable . :) if it ever melts. o how i long to ride... i was looking at fulface helmets and ne goggles the other day. i rally should at least get anew helmet.. i have 2 very nice ones that match my scoot, but they are 3/4 and not ful face.. and the differance is jaw reconstructive sergery when you crash.... yeah.. makes it sound like a good idea to me too.
generaly im a decent tight wad, randomly spending money on thigns that dont always make since. but w/ traveling.. and ten ihave a long list of thigns, all $100 or more that i want/ need.. it is making it hard to save as much as i want to. i rally need to buckle down and stick to my budget. other wise i will never get the house.. and thats not worth lousing.

Friday, February 02, 2007


Come on, groundhog. Daddy wants some fucking warmth, or I cook your ass.


Thursday, February 01, 2007

apparently were concerned aobut global warming.

it snows...again... and the cranes rise to the sky.

looking at the gibson website at work today i got distracted form what i was doing ther for a bit... which was loking for a guitar to trace for a print. how ever i started looking at.. my favorite.. the banjos. o sweet beautiful banjos.
i discovered that the gibson web site links to an area where you can "lean" guitar, banjo, mandolin etc. it has a very slow vidio feed of the hand movements. you can choose music style and teacher as well.
listed w/ the banjos were dobros. what are dobros? i dont really know, they have a wood body, w/ a metal pick guird/sound hole.
beautiful instruments. but what are they? how are they differnt than a steal guitar [is that the right name?] And by george what do they sound like? ]prolly i can find this out eaisly enough, w/ my magic cable internt, but at the time of this post i have not].

i have loved banjos as long as vespas. i have a vespa [that i so desperatly want to ride as soon as this damn weather goes away.] i have a habbit of getting too much on my plate at a time. i want to do it all. and i want to do it all right now. so.. these are the questions: will i really do it? or will it be half assed and fall by the wayside? how to you slect a decent used banjo? should you learn to play guitar first? or just jump right into banjo- snce it is 5 strings and guitar is 6?

and, this is.. only one more thing for me to spend $$ on. i have alist. a long list. some how the smaller thigns keeping taking precidence over the larger ones. im decent at being a tight wad. but im also good at randomly deciding i need things and spending $$. a duel income would certinly help, even if it was just rent and groceries. it would help.
maybe its just that iknow untill i get apay raise that i cant afford a house on my own. so that dream seems farther off than i want it to be. but let not open up that wound.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

links for your enjoyment

ok, i rarely post links but here are a few:



ok, apparently i am not cool enough to fix those links, let me know, and ill email them to you.

and if you copy paste. dur. it works, on the last one.

Saturday, January 27, 2007


stars stuck to ceiling
cranes float lightly to the floor
heart breaks, life moves on

snow, again

well, were on week 6 here.
they say more on tues and thursday too....

from my window i can see a snow bolder. yes, a boulder. interestingly this boulder was not always there. in fact it appeared at some point in the last week. i don't know where it came from, it is not of the normal plow pack drifts that still plague our city. tomorrow i will investigate.

it occurs to me that i forgot to get Popsicles at the store... i remembered the wine though. it also appears that i forgot about not drinking wine from a tumbler...

my room is gone..... today was it.... may father was already in there scarping tape and glow-stars off the wall. i would feel bad about all the stuff on the ceiling, but i'm too pissed about the whole thing. so let them deal w/ it. they wanted the room so bad.

i would say this is the first big turning point in our relation ship... at least to actually happen- i like my geeks, i do, and i know how much of a geek it makes me to be all warm and fuzzy about this-
"i want to put my ram and hard drives in your computer"... my heart is a flutter. :) giggle. no really, that made my day.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007


watching Jerpedy one of the catagorys tonight was "SPLEEN".... the british guy got them all.

i would also like to mention that the show eneded w/ an electric guitar version of the Jeperdy theme. man, they must be getting desprate.

Sunday, January 21, 2007


going through boxes with jumbles of childhood memories i pull out:

notes from prolly 5th grade between girls who stopped talking to me not far down the line... one form robin about a movie...
a barbie ski
valentine cards from years when we made covered boxes and labeled a valentine for everyone in the class.
some domino's
a button w/ a kitty on it.
silly putty
bouncy ball
couple marbles
a barbie purse
a pin that says "its my birthday."

the list goes on... everything important, most going in the trash. i have finally talked my self into letting go... of.... a lot. something i have been struggling with for a number of years. letting go. every little thing, i have connection to.. a series of memories. letting go of them makes me feel like i am letting go of those memories and of childhood. i think this is because i am not the best when it comes to memory.. but when i have a physical item they come flooding back.

i have admitted numerous times that i have far more passions than any one person needs to have at this point in their life. but why? well.. for the above reasons... also hobbies.. i have hoards of sewing stuff.. and art supplies.. books.... cloths....sporting equip... etc. it adds up. i don't just have one thing. i have everything. i like everything. and am always seeking new things. i love having special treasures and keep sakes.

this is part of growing up though.. i suppose.... keeping only a few very precious things and doing away w/ many other things that are really not that important.


speaking of which. i am happy to say hat living by myself has been happy. not many have seen my new place yet. but i have one person who keeps me company a few times a week, and between him and soccer and my parents and work... i'm just not alone too much. and its good. but i wish there were about 3 more days in the week. a night for crafts, and a night for reading, a night for cleaning, a night for watching tv... some how even my off nights seem full. thought.. maybe that because im still trying to get the rest of the crap out of my room and evenings have been devoted to that.
i just need one more day or so w/ some serious moving help to get the last of it i think. good luck to my parents getting all the stars and what not off the ceiling. i would feel bad if i wer'nt pissed that they have totally kicked me out of my room so my parents can each have their own office.

my big worry about moving had been that i would be seriously depressed at night. and i am on and off.. though i think its more sad and a whole combination of things that caus that. i know it, i can pin point them actually. im better in the morning.

but things are good. i am good. and i am happy. i just wish i could make my nights w/ the boy more of a constant thing. we don't have to go out. the nights where we sit on the couch and read are as good as any. but we have several months until leases are up. my hope is to get my landlord to allow both a boy and a cat. it may be a bit cramped... but. it would work i think. that's part of my weeding down possessions as well as clothing thing too. i need to not be able to fill a small house on my own. the travel time for him is longer.. between work and here mainly... but hes already justified that its really only one more trip a week than he already doing.. the other would be broken up by school in the middle.
i really don't want to move again so soon.. still getting unpacked and organized really. but we will see. depends on my landlord.. and us... we have to go to china first. which should be interesting as we have never traveled farther than winter park together. it should be good though. i'm just along for the ride, this is the boys trip.

its not that we have an odd relationship. it makes perfect sense to us. if i told you all the things about us that we've not told you you might be surprised. but were comfortable. our pace is kind of back and forth, side to side and kind of forward.... to an outsider it might seem fast. but on the inside it just feels like we are catching up to lost time. lost time that is only there because we needed to each date other people first. those other relationships made us who we are and made us know our selves better. i think my original perdition's of doom would have been shortly lived out had we gotten together from the get go. but 2 boyfriends, 2 girlfriends, 3 schools, 1 graduation, several jobs and 6 different cities later.... its finally right.


nothing does a girl's confidence good like trying on old cloths, only to find that things that were once skin tight are now baggy.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

for those of you paying attention

for those of you paying attention, my blogs tend to mood swing. ...which happends because i tend to mood swing. alot of it i blame on the weather, some of it is i have abit of a temper and can get worked up about things i know are not all that big a deal.
so when you read ones where i am seriously pissed off.. i prolly am that night.. but usually by the next day things have resolved, or i have slept and it is no longer a problem.

my overall mood: Giddy. i cant really describe it. but thats the best word as far as i can tell. usually when i am super excited aobut something i am quite a bit nervious as well. i am not now nervious. i am simply giddy, and i dont know if i have felt it by its self before or not.

on a differnt note, anyone want to go sledding on a sat or sun? so as i will not be jellious when other people go w/out me while i'm at work?

Thursday, January 18, 2007

up and down day.

annnd.. now i am throwing a tantrum and I'm not going to tell you why.

its funny how one little phrase can strip away months of built up securities and confidence.
its also funny how something that was a nice gesture and something you wanted can backfire horribly. leaving you to throw temper tantrums, because at the end of the day you don't want to fight w/ anything and one little thing that doesn't work how you want it to can send you through the roof. and what funny is i have full realization that it is petty and stupid, all of it. and yet my anger at some things is much deeper than them not working "just so"

i know

:) i feel good when the reply is, "i know"

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

mood tonight:


Sunday, January 14, 2007

some days are like this, and somedays we know tommorw will be as well.

to day was a bad day.
it started out well.. stayed happily in bed untill 9 or so.. warm.. and ..happy.. took a shower, had doritos, strawberrys and coco puffs for breakfast. man i wish i had those doritos right now.
things started going down hill when i determined that i sohuld not wear the same shirt to work i wore the day before and so i should go home and change.
did a 360 out of a dead stop w/ no gas and going a whoping 2mph. odly enough ended up facing north and in a lane and right on the line at the stop light. [note, that iwas trying to go south]. so roads were bad. saw several accidents on i-70. oyeah, and i cant get my seat belt to release... so i swong by home for the maxama, because it has seat belts and airbags, and at the rate i'm goign i'm going to need it. made it home, went to work, got bitched at becase a shirt was inside out, and a line was in the order from the previous day and had not been re- re arranged. my god.

my company sponcers a number of musical artist. one kid isnt sponcered yet, but will be soon, decided to hang out at Mart.. actually they were paying him, but still, very cool. looked oabut 15, turnes out hes 18, kid is amazing on the guitar, and voice is incredible. he played a set for us at the end of the show today. he had been playing like half a song at the beggining of the runway show, but that was it. i was seriously impressed w/ what he did tonihgt though. now, i know i know nothing about music, and i'm compleatly tone deaf, but this kid was amazing.

in the mean time i have realized that i cant find my phone. and i kind of scuffed the finder on the car trying to gt out of the damn drive way.

go to soccer, had a bad game, cant breath, colided w/ a guy really hard and brused my arm, and fucked up my kne/shin/ankle...we'll see how im doing tommorw.

did find my phone later. seems to be doing ok, despite spending aobut 24hrs outside in the car...

what i like aobut this kind of cold is when you walk the snow crunches under your feet... and ice crystals form on the ice crystals and everything is glittery.... the snowflakes in the air seem to sparkle more than any other time and the air is clean and pure.

i am going to the stock show tommorw. this is the perfect weathger for the stock show. out side is horrible cold, but once you ar inside, the air warms w/ smells of hay and livestock... clean and sweet. there are the best giant pretzils in the entire world. sometimes i mock it mercislessly, but inside i have alot of respect for farm and ranch and for the people who make it their lives. i think they are a very important part of our scoiety and culture, we are stupid to be pushing them out and doing away w/ the family farm. there is a soft spot.. actually a very large soft spot in my heart for the mid west, adn also the southwestern cowboy. but.. as i am not a particularly good writer, all that i feel would be entirly lost if i tryed to put it into words.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

its januarary and its cold.

fridgid is more the term.
i sit here, trying to talk myself into showering. should have last night, maybe i would feel better this morning if i had.
but have to go to work. and soon. i dont actually work untill 1, but to get a remotly decent parking space i need to leave aobut 9. scary, i know. which means my ass should be in the shower this instant instead of checking blogs and replying to emails.

i dont want to go out there again, i have a horibly messy apt that needs organizing. i have dishes to do.... ah well.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

starbucks is built on goodness

starbucks changed its walls.
they are now simply painted a deep paprika orange.
are they going to do a new paper? or is this a more perminet transition?

it is easy to bash starbucks, i personally feel that they are flooding the market too much and have only started hurting them selves.

how ever i have a huge amount of respect for a company that has made such huge stride across the board of eunterprunership, buisnes building, ideas and structure, health care, stock and etc.

if you dont think much of the brand, or of coffee, i sugest reading their book. its not aobut the product, but aobut the pasion and drive that is behind the idea.

Pour Your Heart Into It- how starbucks uilt a company one cup at a time. by Howard Schultz.

this book came out in 1997. it has been a decade, i would love to read aobut everythign that has happened since then.

alot of arguments could be made againt the content of this book. i see them. the disbeliefe and doubt. i have been reading this book at face value. something i generally dont recomend. maybe its because i have a general faith that people are good and that good and amazing things can come of good actions. and some is that i want to believe that people like this still exist in the world.

the discussion i had this morning was that i can be intemidating. i have heard this before, and i'v never really understood this. i tend to think of my self as average, not beutiful, butnot bad looking eaither,a nd general nice and friendly. i too had a general lack of friends for large periods of my life. and those so called friends were horrible at times. most people ahve expierienced this. so i try to be nice to peple that i read as nice people unless they give me a reason not to be.
so how am i intimidating?
apparently, geek boys are used to people being nice to them or asking them out on basis of bets and dares. so they are waiting for the catch when a pretty girl if friendly and talks to them. they are waiting for the ball to drop. and there for dont know how to react when in this situation. my responce is..but why wouldent i be nice to them, and i really am intrested in their dogs or waht ever. becaus theyre nice people, andwhen i hold the confidence in the situation i use it. its hard to make firends, so i try to help these people out.

i dont know if i made my point here, or what it was. but i'm hitting post anyway.

Friday, January 05, 2007

a blanket of white and all it intails.

at 3:45 this morning, i was suddenly wide awake. i was yesterday as well. yesterday i thought it was because i hadnet actually gotten any exercise and was eaither wy hot or way cold or something.
this morning there is no reason. i was fine. i had at least a little exercise, was decently upset when i went to bed, tired form not sleeping enough the day before and could actually feel myself getting sicker.
but alas, here i am, because i was not going back to sleep, and because it is snowing. 3- 9 inches. just s little snow they say. it is, as all snow is, astoundingly beautiful. from my desk i can watch it snow on the world. much to my dismay though, i see a good 3 inches or more build up on the cars out there.

ulg. i rally need to go to work. cant have another snow day. but for those of you following along, i am not particularly fond of driving in the snow, since my last accident at th end of oct. was in snow. now i am mildly terrified of it and everything it involves- think federal hights and several alarming hills in a sports car.

i find that i always want to blather out personal things here. i know i have like.. 2 maybe 4 readers tops, and i know those people to at least some degree. and so by some decent deduction they could prolly figure out even mid range cryptic posts. ... or maybe not, i have found that people know less than i think they do in alot of cases, mainly because i carry srround dialog and general topics of decent gossip in my head alot, but rairly vocalize it to most people. so alot of times my posts are aobut the blue sky, the snow and all its doing and what not. but what they are really aobut are everything i am not saying. everything i dont think the world is ready to know.
not being a writer, i dont vocalize thigns well. i dont write pretty pose or deep phyilosphical thigns because they always come out as cheesey and i am too gaurded to release myself into the world. that being said it is funny that, if asked a direct question aobut something, i will generally give a direct answer aobut anything you want to know.
[right now is the perfect viewing time for heavely blowing snow making wild patterns in the street light.]

so , i believe i lost track back there, but what i was saying is that my posts are about about a hundred things i am not saying.
right now i have notbeen saying that i am making decisions aobut things and dealing with various forms of stress. decisions about various things, wher the decision is not what to decide but how to exicute it. for example, i may want to hang out and be friends, but when is it too much? and where is the line drawn? because it can be a very fuzzy line. when deep down i know that if i'm feeling uncomfortable oaubt it then it prolly is crossing a line. but the decision is how to ballance and when to give and when not to.
there is also the decision of knowing you are ready to do something, but not wanting to jump in both feet first. maybe because i am a sissy and maybe because, my mother who i ador, has, particularly in the last several months, makes me feel like any decision i make is horrible. when announcing a decision, i am met w/ a horrible pearcing stare that boars into my soul and can only be decribed as "you shot the neighbor kid!? what were you thinking"... when really the subject at hand is: "your playing soccer again?" [she hates that i play], met weeks lator w/ "what do you mean you didnt go to your game?" [what the?], to "you have a christmas tree?"
MY GOD, YES!.... silly me an my decision making. now, i know most of the resons for this, i really do, but that does not make me feel any better and i have the arguement, of having never, really done anything... wll, other than hitting amy in the head w/ a rock when i was 5 or 6. other than that i have ditched a class or two here and there.. and i mean that as in 1 in highschool, and like 2 a yr in college. seriously. its just wrong. i can also argue the choices and the time frame in which she made them in her life. she would argue that things are differnt for me, my father is not dead and she has not infact mildly abandond me, and this is true, i am spoild. i know it and i enjoy it. but that does not mean i am not 23 and entirly self sufficent. well, other than the AAA membor ship, but as a family its super cheep, and i'm not mentioning it if she hasnt noticed. and i get our moneys worth out of that.
so something i am working on, is making choices for me and not for her. because i know that i never make choices that put me or others in any kind of danger. in fact i am a mildy paranoid, overly cautious, goody two shoes.

and w/ that, i think i better try for another hr of sleep before deciding about work.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

sun rise, did you miss it? for shame.

did you see that sunrise?

now i relaize most of my post are aobut the sun rise, the sun set or the very blue sky. there are people who say "its a sun rise/set, iv see a zillion, whats the big deal? its pretty, yeah, ok we get it." they are like snowflakes, never the same and always spectacular. these are the purest moments of the day.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

new years, tame but fun

so- new years-

there was booze... so much booze. we had enough for everyone there to drinkhappily.. then they all brought another 6 pack or milk crate or 2 of liquer w/ them. very funny considering we all stop at 5 to 7 drinks more or less. though the amount people have actually had to drink and the amount of energy they are bouncing w/ becomes a bit fuzzy whe they start licking beer off of people. specifically me. while playing a family card game..... a card game where i was encouraged to win by favor of clevledge...

booze and board games, wouldent have it any other way.

there were people not seen for a long time, new people met, a horribly spoiled but happy kitten, drama less, gossiping and a dragon stamp. it was good.

then there was perchasing and navigating of the kitten pagoda... apparently kitten likes his pagoda much more when hes stoned. and apparently the parking lot of petsmart has bitched 14' ers.. or so..maybe higher... prolly higher...


tonight we cryed.

it is for the better.