Sunday, January 28, 2007

links for your enjoyment

ok, i rarely post links but here are a few:



ok, apparently i am not cool enough to fix those links, let me know, and ill email them to you.

and if you copy paste. dur. it works, on the last one.

Saturday, January 27, 2007


stars stuck to ceiling
cranes float lightly to the floor
heart breaks, life moves on

snow, again

well, were on week 6 here.
they say more on tues and thursday too....

from my window i can see a snow bolder. yes, a boulder. interestingly this boulder was not always there. in fact it appeared at some point in the last week. i don't know where it came from, it is not of the normal plow pack drifts that still plague our city. tomorrow i will investigate.

it occurs to me that i forgot to get Popsicles at the store... i remembered the wine though. it also appears that i forgot about not drinking wine from a tumbler...

my room is gone..... today was it.... may father was already in there scarping tape and glow-stars off the wall. i would feel bad about all the stuff on the ceiling, but i'm too pissed about the whole thing. so let them deal w/ it. they wanted the room so bad.

i would say this is the first big turning point in our relation ship... at least to actually happen- i like my geeks, i do, and i know how much of a geek it makes me to be all warm and fuzzy about this-
"i want to put my ram and hard drives in your computer"... my heart is a flutter. :) giggle. no really, that made my day.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007


watching Jerpedy one of the catagorys tonight was "SPLEEN".... the british guy got them all.

i would also like to mention that the show eneded w/ an electric guitar version of the Jeperdy theme. man, they must be getting desprate.

Sunday, January 21, 2007


going through boxes with jumbles of childhood memories i pull out:

notes from prolly 5th grade between girls who stopped talking to me not far down the line... one form robin about a movie...
a barbie ski
valentine cards from years when we made covered boxes and labeled a valentine for everyone in the class.
some domino's
a button w/ a kitty on it.
silly putty
bouncy ball
couple marbles
a barbie purse
a pin that says "its my birthday."

the list goes on... everything important, most going in the trash. i have finally talked my self into letting go... of.... a lot. something i have been struggling with for a number of years. letting go. every little thing, i have connection to.. a series of memories. letting go of them makes me feel like i am letting go of those memories and of childhood. i think this is because i am not the best when it comes to memory.. but when i have a physical item they come flooding back.

i have admitted numerous times that i have far more passions than any one person needs to have at this point in their life. but why? well.. for the above reasons... also hobbies.. i have hoards of sewing stuff.. and art supplies.. books.... cloths....sporting equip... etc. it adds up. i don't just have one thing. i have everything. i like everything. and am always seeking new things. i love having special treasures and keep sakes.

this is part of growing up though.. i suppose.... keeping only a few very precious things and doing away w/ many other things that are really not that important.


speaking of which. i am happy to say hat living by myself has been happy. not many have seen my new place yet. but i have one person who keeps me company a few times a week, and between him and soccer and my parents and work... i'm just not alone too much. and its good. but i wish there were about 3 more days in the week. a night for crafts, and a night for reading, a night for cleaning, a night for watching tv... some how even my off nights seem full. thought.. maybe that because im still trying to get the rest of the crap out of my room and evenings have been devoted to that.
i just need one more day or so w/ some serious moving help to get the last of it i think. good luck to my parents getting all the stars and what not off the ceiling. i would feel bad if i wer'nt pissed that they have totally kicked me out of my room so my parents can each have their own office.

my big worry about moving had been that i would be seriously depressed at night. and i am on and off.. though i think its more sad and a whole combination of things that caus that. i know it, i can pin point them actually. im better in the morning.

but things are good. i am good. and i am happy. i just wish i could make my nights w/ the boy more of a constant thing. we don't have to go out. the nights where we sit on the couch and read are as good as any. but we have several months until leases are up. my hope is to get my landlord to allow both a boy and a cat. it may be a bit cramped... but. it would work i think. that's part of my weeding down possessions as well as clothing thing too. i need to not be able to fill a small house on my own. the travel time for him is longer.. between work and here mainly... but hes already justified that its really only one more trip a week than he already doing.. the other would be broken up by school in the middle.
i really don't want to move again so soon.. still getting unpacked and organized really. but we will see. depends on my landlord.. and us... we have to go to china first. which should be interesting as we have never traveled farther than winter park together. it should be good though. i'm just along for the ride, this is the boys trip.

its not that we have an odd relationship. it makes perfect sense to us. if i told you all the things about us that we've not told you you might be surprised. but were comfortable. our pace is kind of back and forth, side to side and kind of forward.... to an outsider it might seem fast. but on the inside it just feels like we are catching up to lost time. lost time that is only there because we needed to each date other people first. those other relationships made us who we are and made us know our selves better. i think my original perdition's of doom would have been shortly lived out had we gotten together from the get go. but 2 boyfriends, 2 girlfriends, 3 schools, 1 graduation, several jobs and 6 different cities later.... its finally right.


nothing does a girl's confidence good like trying on old cloths, only to find that things that were once skin tight are now baggy.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

for those of you paying attention

for those of you paying attention, my blogs tend to mood swing. ...which happends because i tend to mood swing. alot of it i blame on the weather, some of it is i have abit of a temper and can get worked up about things i know are not all that big a deal.
so when you read ones where i am seriously pissed off.. i prolly am that night.. but usually by the next day things have resolved, or i have slept and it is no longer a problem.

my overall mood: Giddy. i cant really describe it. but thats the best word as far as i can tell. usually when i am super excited aobut something i am quite a bit nervious as well. i am not now nervious. i am simply giddy, and i dont know if i have felt it by its self before or not.

on a differnt note, anyone want to go sledding on a sat or sun? so as i will not be jellious when other people go w/out me while i'm at work?

Thursday, January 18, 2007

up and down day.

annnd.. now i am throwing a tantrum and I'm not going to tell you why.

its funny how one little phrase can strip away months of built up securities and confidence.
its also funny how something that was a nice gesture and something you wanted can backfire horribly. leaving you to throw temper tantrums, because at the end of the day you don't want to fight w/ anything and one little thing that doesn't work how you want it to can send you through the roof. and what funny is i have full realization that it is petty and stupid, all of it. and yet my anger at some things is much deeper than them not working "just so"

i know

:) i feel good when the reply is, "i know"

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

mood tonight:


Sunday, January 14, 2007

some days are like this, and somedays we know tommorw will be as well.

to day was a bad day.
it started out well.. stayed happily in bed untill 9 or so.. warm.. and ..happy.. took a shower, had doritos, strawberrys and coco puffs for breakfast. man i wish i had those doritos right now.
things started going down hill when i determined that i sohuld not wear the same shirt to work i wore the day before and so i should go home and change.
did a 360 out of a dead stop w/ no gas and going a whoping 2mph. odly enough ended up facing north and in a lane and right on the line at the stop light. [note, that iwas trying to go south]. so roads were bad. saw several accidents on i-70. oyeah, and i cant get my seat belt to release... so i swong by home for the maxama, because it has seat belts and airbags, and at the rate i'm goign i'm going to need it. made it home, went to work, got bitched at becase a shirt was inside out, and a line was in the order from the previous day and had not been re- re arranged. my god.

my company sponcers a number of musical artist. one kid isnt sponcered yet, but will be soon, decided to hang out at Mart.. actually they were paying him, but still, very cool. looked oabut 15, turnes out hes 18, kid is amazing on the guitar, and voice is incredible. he played a set for us at the end of the show today. he had been playing like half a song at the beggining of the runway show, but that was it. i was seriously impressed w/ what he did tonihgt though. now, i know i know nothing about music, and i'm compleatly tone deaf, but this kid was amazing.

in the mean time i have realized that i cant find my phone. and i kind of scuffed the finder on the car trying to gt out of the damn drive way.

go to soccer, had a bad game, cant breath, colided w/ a guy really hard and brused my arm, and fucked up my kne/shin/ankle...we'll see how im doing tommorw.

did find my phone later. seems to be doing ok, despite spending aobut 24hrs outside in the car...

what i like aobut this kind of cold is when you walk the snow crunches under your feet... and ice crystals form on the ice crystals and everything is glittery.... the snowflakes in the air seem to sparkle more than any other time and the air is clean and pure.

i am going to the stock show tommorw. this is the perfect weathger for the stock show. out side is horrible cold, but once you ar inside, the air warms w/ smells of hay and livestock... clean and sweet. there are the best giant pretzils in the entire world. sometimes i mock it mercislessly, but inside i have alot of respect for farm and ranch and for the people who make it their lives. i think they are a very important part of our scoiety and culture, we are stupid to be pushing them out and doing away w/ the family farm. there is a soft spot.. actually a very large soft spot in my heart for the mid west, adn also the southwestern cowboy. but.. as i am not a particularly good writer, all that i feel would be entirly lost if i tryed to put it into words.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

its januarary and its cold.

fridgid is more the term.
i sit here, trying to talk myself into showering. should have last night, maybe i would feel better this morning if i had.
but have to go to work. and soon. i dont actually work untill 1, but to get a remotly decent parking space i need to leave aobut 9. scary, i know. which means my ass should be in the shower this instant instead of checking blogs and replying to emails.

i dont want to go out there again, i have a horibly messy apt that needs organizing. i have dishes to do.... ah well.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

starbucks is built on goodness

starbucks changed its walls.
they are now simply painted a deep paprika orange.
are they going to do a new paper? or is this a more perminet transition?

it is easy to bash starbucks, i personally feel that they are flooding the market too much and have only started hurting them selves.

how ever i have a huge amount of respect for a company that has made such huge stride across the board of eunterprunership, buisnes building, ideas and structure, health care, stock and etc.

if you dont think much of the brand, or of coffee, i sugest reading their book. its not aobut the product, but aobut the pasion and drive that is behind the idea.

Pour Your Heart Into It- how starbucks uilt a company one cup at a time. by Howard Schultz.

this book came out in 1997. it has been a decade, i would love to read aobut everythign that has happened since then.

alot of arguments could be made againt the content of this book. i see them. the disbeliefe and doubt. i have been reading this book at face value. something i generally dont recomend. maybe its because i have a general faith that people are good and that good and amazing things can come of good actions. and some is that i want to believe that people like this still exist in the world.

the discussion i had this morning was that i can be intemidating. i have heard this before, and i'v never really understood this. i tend to think of my self as average, not beutiful, butnot bad looking eaither,a nd general nice and friendly. i too had a general lack of friends for large periods of my life. and those so called friends were horrible at times. most people ahve expierienced this. so i try to be nice to peple that i read as nice people unless they give me a reason not to be.
so how am i intimidating?
apparently, geek boys are used to people being nice to them or asking them out on basis of bets and dares. so they are waiting for the catch when a pretty girl if friendly and talks to them. they are waiting for the ball to drop. and there for dont know how to react when in this situation. my responce is..but why wouldent i be nice to them, and i really am intrested in their dogs or waht ever. becaus theyre nice people, andwhen i hold the confidence in the situation i use it. its hard to make firends, so i try to help these people out.

i dont know if i made my point here, or what it was. but i'm hitting post anyway.

Friday, January 05, 2007

a blanket of white and all it intails.

at 3:45 this morning, i was suddenly wide awake. i was yesterday as well. yesterday i thought it was because i hadnet actually gotten any exercise and was eaither wy hot or way cold or something.
this morning there is no reason. i was fine. i had at least a little exercise, was decently upset when i went to bed, tired form not sleeping enough the day before and could actually feel myself getting sicker.
but alas, here i am, because i was not going back to sleep, and because it is snowing. 3- 9 inches. just s little snow they say. it is, as all snow is, astoundingly beautiful. from my desk i can watch it snow on the world. much to my dismay though, i see a good 3 inches or more build up on the cars out there.

ulg. i rally need to go to work. cant have another snow day. but for those of you following along, i am not particularly fond of driving in the snow, since my last accident at th end of oct. was in snow. now i am mildly terrified of it and everything it involves- think federal hights and several alarming hills in a sports car.

i find that i always want to blather out personal things here. i know i have like.. 2 maybe 4 readers tops, and i know those people to at least some degree. and so by some decent deduction they could prolly figure out even mid range cryptic posts. ... or maybe not, i have found that people know less than i think they do in alot of cases, mainly because i carry srround dialog and general topics of decent gossip in my head alot, but rairly vocalize it to most people. so alot of times my posts are aobut the blue sky, the snow and all its doing and what not. but what they are really aobut are everything i am not saying. everything i dont think the world is ready to know.
not being a writer, i dont vocalize thigns well. i dont write pretty pose or deep phyilosphical thigns because they always come out as cheesey and i am too gaurded to release myself into the world. that being said it is funny that, if asked a direct question aobut something, i will generally give a direct answer aobut anything you want to know.
[right now is the perfect viewing time for heavely blowing snow making wild patterns in the street light.]

so , i believe i lost track back there, but what i was saying is that my posts are about about a hundred things i am not saying.
right now i have notbeen saying that i am making decisions aobut things and dealing with various forms of stress. decisions about various things, wher the decision is not what to decide but how to exicute it. for example, i may want to hang out and be friends, but when is it too much? and where is the line drawn? because it can be a very fuzzy line. when deep down i know that if i'm feeling uncomfortable oaubt it then it prolly is crossing a line. but the decision is how to ballance and when to give and when not to.
there is also the decision of knowing you are ready to do something, but not wanting to jump in both feet first. maybe because i am a sissy and maybe because, my mother who i ador, has, particularly in the last several months, makes me feel like any decision i make is horrible. when announcing a decision, i am met w/ a horrible pearcing stare that boars into my soul and can only be decribed as "you shot the neighbor kid!? what were you thinking"... when really the subject at hand is: "your playing soccer again?" [she hates that i play], met weeks lator w/ "what do you mean you didnt go to your game?" [what the?], to "you have a christmas tree?"
MY GOD, YES!.... silly me an my decision making. now, i know most of the resons for this, i really do, but that does not make me feel any better and i have the arguement, of having never, really done anything... wll, other than hitting amy in the head w/ a rock when i was 5 or 6. other than that i have ditched a class or two here and there.. and i mean that as in 1 in highschool, and like 2 a yr in college. seriously. its just wrong. i can also argue the choices and the time frame in which she made them in her life. she would argue that things are differnt for me, my father is not dead and she has not infact mildly abandond me, and this is true, i am spoild. i know it and i enjoy it. but that does not mean i am not 23 and entirly self sufficent. well, other than the AAA membor ship, but as a family its super cheep, and i'm not mentioning it if she hasnt noticed. and i get our moneys worth out of that.
so something i am working on, is making choices for me and not for her. because i know that i never make choices that put me or others in any kind of danger. in fact i am a mildy paranoid, overly cautious, goody two shoes.

and w/ that, i think i better try for another hr of sleep before deciding about work.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

sun rise, did you miss it? for shame.

did you see that sunrise?

now i relaize most of my post are aobut the sun rise, the sun set or the very blue sky. there are people who say "its a sun rise/set, iv see a zillion, whats the big deal? its pretty, yeah, ok we get it." they are like snowflakes, never the same and always spectacular. these are the purest moments of the day.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

new years, tame but fun

so- new years-

there was booze... so much booze. we had enough for everyone there to drinkhappily.. then they all brought another 6 pack or milk crate or 2 of liquer w/ them. very funny considering we all stop at 5 to 7 drinks more or less. though the amount people have actually had to drink and the amount of energy they are bouncing w/ becomes a bit fuzzy whe they start licking beer off of people. specifically me. while playing a family card game..... a card game where i was encouraged to win by favor of clevledge...

booze and board games, wouldent have it any other way.

there were people not seen for a long time, new people met, a horribly spoiled but happy kitten, drama less, gossiping and a dragon stamp. it was good.

then there was perchasing and navigating of the kitten pagoda... apparently kitten likes his pagoda much more when hes stoned. and apparently the parking lot of petsmart has bitched 14' ers.. or so..maybe higher... prolly higher...


tonight we cryed.

it is for the better.