Thursday, November 30, 2006


tonight i bought me an apt.
tommorw i get a pay check, a plane check, and a car check. go me.

time to start getting things ready to move.

i have decided that the only way to not be horribly depressed is to aquire my own xmas tree... and not my crappy little silver one. but a real one. i know charlie brown trees can be picked up for $15- $20. so i need to do that in the following weeks. as well as move.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


god damn. this is why i wanted to be out of my house BEFORE the holidays.
i'm almost out... so very close now... and as much as i want to be out, i want to waite till after xmas,. becuase... what i love most aobut the holidays is the tree and the lights.. and all of that... we always have a BEAUTIFUL tree... i spend hrs w/ the tree... and now im moving. before my birthday.. i'm going to miss the tree and everything. ill be someplace by my self. w/ a crappy little rickity tree i never really liked... and exactly where i dont want to be. depressed.. usualy it hit hard in januarary... i dont see december going well for me. i have mixed feeling oaubt moving anyway. my parents kep fucking yapping aobut everything theyre going to do to my room as soon as i move. and why do they fucking care. they are selling the house anyway. prolly before i can get up the funds to buy it. and no oi dont want to be hee forever. but i want the fucking house. and theyre not goingto stay here. i want it. so i feel like i cant make the carrear moves i might want to becuse i wont have home to come back to. silly ass me being attached to the only place iv ever really been happy.
and work is bad. and fucking car payments and now rent and such and the holidays and goddamn it i had to work ass late and t yet did practically nothing all day till the last 2 hrs where i satyed late. and then i didnt get to go for a walk and my joints HURT. i have to go for a walk..

Monday, November 27, 2006


so its official now. were going to chengdu.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

still wonderful

not close.
-but wonderful.
thank you.

Friday, November 24, 2006

turkey day


turkey day for my family consists of inviting everyone we know to come over and get a turkey fryed while we hilbillyit up in the drive way w/ the fryer, drinks and food.
it was a quiet yr. alot of our regulars were off to visite family out of state. but a good time none the less.

so i will indulge you all in a "GRANDMA" story.

phone conversation between my farther and garnma. *note that we have been frying turkeys for aobut 10 years now.
-grandma was going on and on aobut how we need to be sure to keep all small children, dogs cats and raccons that might knock it all over, away from the pot. *on and on*
- so my father finaly says "if any kids get to close, ill just splash some oil on their shoes."
-my grandmouther replies w/ "...well, not if their suade! that'll ruien them!"

um. sad to say we did not have to splash any suade shoes or racoons.

Thursday, November 23, 2006


words wispered almost unaudibly. for me, you really dont have to wisper, i prolly will mis it anyway. but i heard enough to stop and question what was said.
was it intended to be heard.. or even said outloud?
i choose to respond w/ a smile. because if i heard right, i really dont quite know how to respond right now.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


Tuesday, November 14, 2006

differntly cordinated

is it possible to move really fast and yet really slow - as well and side to side and diagional all at the same time?
outwardly a bit differnt.
different outcomes intended.
outcomes the could easly meld, despite obvious track direction.
somehow both are created on a simalar base idea that are found only after 10:30.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

so... whats the deal?

so.. i ask this, whats the deal?

is there a reason people wont respond to emails? because it seams odd when the emails are aobut things that it seems a number of people would like to do, and then you hear back from no one.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006


i dont like to be angry. i generaly avoide conflict and drama. mainly because i dont let go of things well.

latly... and this has been going on , on and off for quite some time, but latly, i dont see so much of a reason for it. really everything is pretty peachy.
well, other than the car thing, and the other car thing and the apt almost thing and the work thing and the birthday things, oh and the identity theft thing.

but i just find my self inexplainably mad. and im in the limbo of wanting to be arorund people untill i am, and then i want to be left alone.

and as a previous post says, i have been feeling like i am screwing everything up.

and then theres the inner fight aobut what i think i want and what i do want and everything that goes along w/ that. and the problem of tying to forsee too far down the road, despite recent events that have proven you really cant truley do that.

so im angrey, and its keeping me from sleeping, and its making me snap at people i dont intend to. and its not a good excuse, but its the one im giving. appoligies if i have snapped at you or blown you off latley.



Thursday, November 02, 2006


ever feel like every move in life you make is the wrong one? i dont mean big things.. becuse those are obvious, and usually in hind sight, which means they were fine to begin w/, but not after a chain of events. more the small ones. the ones that seam to be pointed out constantly, by eaither your self or other people.
its easy to dismiss as, everyone makes mistakes. but some times it seams like everything is a mistake.
whats really bad is then i feel like things that cant be helped are in that catagory as well. all those things you mess up wheather you can help it or not. for example, i know i just used the wrng version of weather, but really have no idea what the right one is. should i learn to spell? yes. why havent i, well there are alot of excuses- but really, its because i am always trying to get more important things under controll, and spelling took a back burner.
i am trying. i give 110% to get things done right. but i just cant seem to. i blame some mistakes on people nagging me to death and making me twitch, so that i'm in such a fucking hurry that i cant take the extra 5 seconds to double check everything. but the rest is just me. i just cant help but screw things up, all the time. everything.

these things dont get better. soemtimes i just relax more- less pressure at work in genneral, or im in a different mood. and it dosnt bother me so much. but right now all i can think is, how am i supposed to grow up if i cant ever get anything right.