Thursday, August 31, 2006


i'm feeling very lonley tonight. very alone.

some of it is the beggining of the new school season, and everyone has dispersed. i very much miss the dynamics of highschool social atmosphear. i thought college was going to be something really great. but found it to feel alienating. the few times i met peopel in some of my classes that it seamed like i could be friends w/ they were in compleatly differnt majors and i never saw them again. the advice i always get is to put your self out ther, invite them to grab lunch w/ you or something. now iv tryed this, and have always been turned down and then the person avoiding my for quite a while, so obviously i'm doing something worng.

i love school.. i love sitting in class just listening. i really do enjoy it. from time to time i toss arround the idea of a masters in Illustration or technical design which would open up alot of doors in other fields- such as sporting equipment, shoes, furniture etc.
i want to say there is a fashion school East London University of something or other...

i think lonleyness is also derived from my thoughts of moving. i love being at home and am terrified to move on w/ my life because my parents are threatining to sell the house in the next 5 years so they can build something else. now there is not alot for me in denver carrear wise, and i dont see myself staying at Miller forever, and really i shouldent anyway. so i am terrified to do my own thing for fear that home will be yanked out from under me. prolly i fear this because it is the only place i have been truley happy, and so i want my parents to stay here, so that it will be here for me. but they want to build something new.
i thought that maybe i wold be moving somewhere w/ amy so i would not be on my own. alone. but unless we get this one particular house, that will not be. and i will be on my own, because i do not know anyone else that i would live w/ that i could live w/.

i am also very much missing my boy. and i know i miss what i want him to be, and the good times. but really not missing who he was most recently. besides, he was tired of me and tired of us and that really was what ran it all down. he didnt want me anymore, and i wanted him too badly. and so now i very much miss having that person that i call day or night simply just to say hi because i want to say hi, because i need to say hi. that person who watches bad movies w/ me a nd goes to target at 11 pm. that single person that i am not so much afraide to be myself arround.

and to top it all of, it was a bad day at work. so when i get like this i start doubting everything. i really am not a good artist. i feel no creativity that once was comming out of my ears. i am terrified to be alone for various reason. some of which i always end up mayking a fool of my self or just being stupid.. which mainly comes from my refusal to wear my hearing aids. my hearing is gonig. i really am very deaf and seriously strugglling w/ conversations. i fear that i will be a horrible mother, because though i love kids, i cannot hear them at all. it is very scarry. atmitidly i have already picked out names., i think this must be a girl thing. but every 5 or 6 years i pick out new names of what i would call my kid of kids. maybe i will adopt, because i dont see my self getting pregnate, for the sheer hate of doctors and hospitals. it seams silly, but it true.

i bought a pirate t-shirt tonight. now i am feeling a little special. go me.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006


omg, so my audiologist just told me about some BEAUTIFUL new HAs. she thinks it iwll be a better fit for me than my current ones that, i um... never wear... yeah.
thing is i can try em for free. what it would cost me for new ones, i have no idea. since my last pair, that i um... never wear, cost more than my car. uh. yeah.

O but they are so pretty! and less ear mold for me to be alergic to!

i am voting for the chemelon green. if any one remembers my origional pair are silver w/ rinestones. they are really very cool. but there were several problems that arose after i bought them [like 4 years ago] that i was never able to over come. some of it was me, and alot of it was the aid. so yeah.

Sunday, August 27, 2006


i have realized that i am doing here what i usualy do in the short periods that i keep journals. i am writting when i am emotional. and usually later i am more in agreement to a less far side of that emotion. for example my last post. later i though. why did i put that? buecause really when i sit back and think about it, i know that there was far more than WOW to our end. and that really it prolly wouldent work out again. ever.

so i will try to be more. or less. or something.

friday it was nice to just hang out w/ the neighbor girls and watch some movies.
saturday, i had a good day, went shopping w/ my mom. watched a movie and had chicken wings. so after a day of good, i was still lonely, and wishing i had something going down that night. didnt really feel like there was anyone i could call, that i dont feel like i call all the time.

i ended up at barns and noble. never really found what i was looking for. looked through a few how to be bitchen at photo shop mag.s though. which dosnt help me much since i work primairly in Illustrator.

i did but a new sketch book. i plan to start sketching again. i do alot of drawing at work, but alot of its copy art, and alot of it just has the creativity and imagination scrubbed out of it.

i finally took my scooter on speer, through LoDo, and down wadsworth into belmar today. it was a good day for focusing on the road w/o the traffic.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

well. so last night i met up w/ a guy i have been talking to on email. hes nice enough. pretty goofy, reminds me alot of marc.- in personality, manerisms and speech pattern amoung other things.
its not going to go anywhere, i dont want it to. for one he reminds me too much of marc. now i like marc, but i dont ant to date marc. i really need to be on my own for a while. and i really still miss rosco so very much, every day. but what i miss was the boy who was growing up and was confident and would get a hair cut- the boy he was last fall. but this spring was just a downward spiral. and when we didnt move intogether in May i knew it was the last straw. in a way it makes it easyer to miss him, because i was so angrey w/ him for so long, and it just keept getting worse. so now i miss him terribly, but i am still happier than i have been in months.

he said lets still be friends. but then he never called. or anything else. maybe when he grows up, and gets on his feet again. i dont know. if he were to matuer a little i would take him back in a heart beat.

Friday, August 18, 2006

CL pt. 2

i got a lot of responses.

I started taking to one guy inparticular. seems nice. not too much older, cute, etc. he was interesting, and acted interested, until tonight.
I mentioned that I had ended up w/out any plans and he suggested dinner. It very quickly became that he wanted me to go to his house, make me dinner and stay the night w/ him.

maybe I'm paranoid. Ok, I am.
but I didn't think I came off as a girl wanting a 1 night stand. I'm not even really the rebound type.
a 1 night stand would be nice.. Maybe, w/ some one I trust. That sounds odd. You think, you don't do those things w/ people you know.
I might. Have a number of guys friends I will never date, but love dearly. We flirt unabashedly, and so forth. I like being w/ them because they make me feel pretty and special. Which is pretty much what all girls want. And they are good people.

of course that brings up the age old problem of if I went a kissed or what ever all my guy friends then I would be slut. A guy would just be lucky, or I don't know cool.. Something defiantly in the more positive range.

so basically, I'm hurting from a recent break up, and am hurt that someone who was presumably a nice guy wanted a 1 nighter, think its odd that guys like 36 and up think shouldn't care about age and seem offended when I do. Even though I tell them that I'm just not a matureity level where I don't care.

so now I am going to curl up in bed w/ my camp fire smelling hoodie and pretend there is some one there w/ me.

i dont think there is advice for my ramblings. I'm not so sure they were coherent, yet again. O well. No one reads this anyway

craigs list.

well. i did somethign crazy. well crazy for me anyway.
post on craisgs list the weomen seeking men. it didnt say too much, i like banjos, no scary movies, uh...i run sometimes... heh that was aobut it.

all the other women were posting oabut partying or finding the one.
i posted because i was board. no pic. i didnt have a good one. gonna try to get a decent one w/ the scoot for Modern Vespa forums. maybe ill post that. but got alot of responce, i was supprised.
i'm not looking, still quite a bit broken hearted over the last one, but i thought, hey what could happen. got some pics from some hot guys, now i'm like, "crap, ill send em a pic. of me and that will be the end of it." o well, if it is that sohuld tell me something about them then, huh?

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

lunch break

i went out to lunch today, because i didnt make a sandwhich this morning.

i used to go out w/ a girl i worked w/. once a week we would go somewhere. it was fun to have a friend at work to gossip w/ aobut everything else other that the office meltdowns of the day.

she got married and quit work. i tryed to get a few other people to go to lunch w/ me, but they always have reasons not to go. at first i thought everyone would notice that i was the only one at chipotle or wherever eatting by myself, but as i looed arround today and the last few times i have been out, i notticed a large amount of obviously office people eatting by their selves.
Why is this? are people so hassled during work that they enjoy eatting alone quietly? or like me can they not find someone else to go to lunch w/?

i wish i had the courage to go sit w/ another lone eater... or that there was a larger table reserved for singles, even if you dont talk to anyone you get the chance to sit w/ someone else at lunch.

sometime maybe.

i dont know if i will keep this blog up for more than a week, before i forget aobut it. but maybe it will be good for me. in the last 2 months i have had alot of ups and downs. broke up w/ a long time boyfriend that i love dearly- [he's not who he used to be, and is afraide to try to be again, i am sorry for him going through life w/ crushing fear of everything.] i got my motorcycle licends, bought a vespa and found out my insurance was more than i bargened for. a friend from kindergarden got married, i went to the wedding, but she never called me back later. 2 friends moved far away, and others just live on the other side of town. a few started grad school. and i, well i dont know aobut the futre, but i am afraide of it, for reason that may be disclosed later when i'm not supposed to be heading back to work.

i dont clame to be a writter, or even to write very coherently. my spelling leaves much to be desired.
so if you comment, dont comment on how poorly written this blog is, or how poorly spelled. thats not really the point, is it?


i bought a 04 Vespa Grantourismo 200 last week. is is vintage green [discontenued]- and apparently the very first GT sold in Kansas City.

this baby can fly, no slowing on hils and i hit 50 before i know it.

totally bitchen.

seeing as i am at work should prolly not be typing right now.