a blanket of white and all it intails.

at 3:45 this morning, i was suddenly wide awake. i was yesterday as well. yesterday i thought it was because i hadnet actually gotten any exercise and was eaither wy hot or way cold or something.
this morning there is no reason. i was fine. i had at least a little exercise, was decently upset when i went to bed, tired form not sleeping enough the day before and could actually feel myself getting sicker.
but alas, here i am, because i was not going back to sleep, and because it is snowing. 3- 9 inches. just s little snow they say. it is, as all snow is, astoundingly beautiful. from my desk i can watch it snow on the world. much to my dismay though, i see a good 3 inches or more build up on the cars out there.

ulg. i rally need to go to work. cant have another snow day. but for those of you following along, i am not particularly fond of driving in the snow, since my last accident at th end of oct. was in snow. now i am mildly terrified of it and everything it involves- think federal hights and several alarming hills in a sports car.

i find that i always want to blather out personal things here. i know i have like.. 2 maybe 4 readers tops, and i know those people to at least some degree. and so by some decent deduction they could prolly figure out even mid range cryptic posts. ... or maybe not, i have found that people know less than i think they do in alot of cases, mainly because i carry srround dialog and general topics of decent gossip in my head alot, but rairly vocalize it to most people. so alot of times my posts are aobut the blue sky, the snow and all its doing and what not. but what they are really aobut are everything i am not saying. everything i dont think the world is ready to know.
not being a writer, i dont vocalize thigns well. i dont write pretty pose or deep phyilosphical thigns because they always come out as cheesey and i am too gaurded to release myself into the world. that being said it is funny that, if asked a direct question aobut something, i will generally give a direct answer aobut anything you want to know.
[right now is the perfect viewing time for heavely blowing snow making wild patterns in the street light.]

so , i believe i lost track back there, but what i was saying is that my posts are about about a hundred things i am not saying.
right now i have notbeen saying that i am making decisions aobut things and dealing with various forms of stress. decisions about various things, wher the decision is not what to decide but how to exicute it. for example, i may want to hang out and be friends, but when is it too much? and where is the line drawn? because it can be a very fuzzy line. when deep down i know that if i'm feeling uncomfortable oaubt it then it prolly is crossing a line. but the decision is how to ballance and when to give and when not to.
there is also the decision of knowing you are ready to do something, but not wanting to jump in both feet first. maybe because i am a sissy and maybe because, my mother who i ador, has, particularly in the last several months, makes me feel like any decision i make is horrible. when announcing a decision, i am met w/ a horrible pearcing stare that boars into my soul and can only be decribed as "you shot the neighbor kid!? what were you thinking"... when really the subject at hand is: "your playing soccer again?" [she hates that i play], met weeks lator w/ "what do you mean you didnt go to your game?" [what the?], to "you have a christmas tree?"
MY GOD, YES!.... silly me an my decision making. now, i know most of the resons for this, i really do, but that does not make me feel any better and i have the arguement, of having never, really done anything... wll, other than hitting amy in the head w/ a rock when i was 5 or 6. other than that i have ditched a class or two here and there.. and i mean that as in 1 in highschool, and like 2 a yr in college. seriously. its just wrong. i can also argue the choices and the time frame in which she made them in her life. she would argue that things are differnt for me, my father is not dead and she has not infact mildly abandond me, and this is true, i am spoild. i know it and i enjoy it. but that does not mean i am not 23 and entirly self sufficent. well, other than the AAA membor ship, but as a family its super cheep, and i'm not mentioning it if she hasnt noticed. and i get our moneys worth out of that.
so something i am working on, is making choices for me and not for her. because i know that i never make choices that put me or others in any kind of danger. in fact i am a mildy paranoid, overly cautious, goody two shoes.

and w/ that, i think i better try for another hr of sleep before deciding about work.