Tuesday, February 13, 2007

the day to day change of an inatiment object that i have not been recording.

as i drive home along 58th between lamar and sheridan, i can see a building going up. every day it changes a little more. some days a substantial amount has happened- say a few walls have gone up, and others, like today, i could see lonely after examination that they were putting the first layer of roofing on. the walls are all poured concrete, the kind w/ design lines in the molds to tell the masons where the different colors start and finish on the outer layer.
for some reason this project has sparked my interest- like the shoe at work, i wish i had caught it on the first day and begun taking pictures so as to see the real progress on a day by day play.


Valentines is here again. the one holiday you hear the most distaste for, and yet the hype is still there.
it was a good holiday in school , when everyone was forced to give cards to everyone else, and it involved candy, orange drink and stickers. as we grow up all sorts of notions fill our heads as to what the holiday should be. there are lots of sources to blame, so i wont list them here. you all know what they are. in fact, you all know exactly what i'm talking about. the holiday that no one likes, but everyone hopes will be extraordinary for them.
everyone handles this in a different way. some plan to boy-cott all together... others just gripe.. and I, ... well, I like to make the best of it. because I, like every onether girl.. knows its a bullshit holiday. Knows i dont want a dumb diamond tennis bracelet, but when it comes down to it, really hope i'll end up surprised with something special in the end.- so. ,because this holiday is what it is, i try to keep the spirit of 3rd grade valentine partys alive... i send out numerous valentines every yr. [if you dont get one form me, i am here now saying, "happy valentines!" there are other sappy things... like, "i love each of you from the bottom of my heart, you are good and special people and you are loved." but that comes off as horribly cheesy.] so valentines are sent, and cheep flowers from the safeway are bought, and distributed to whoever looks like they really need something special that day.
i started doing this in high school.... the first time i did it, i could see how much it ment to some people to receive a pretty flower to carry around that day. so i keept doing it.
i'v had good and bad valentines. i dont really need to get into it here, but for those of you reading, and thinking, yeah but you have some one and its all good... i have been on the other side, plenty often.

so why is it, that a person can feel loved daily. random things can be done through out the yr, on non prescribed "special" days, but yet- you yern for valentines to be really special? i know theres the general advertising and hooplaw around it, but, why does it matter so much? its just one day. i ask this as a person who doesn't nessicairly care for the holiday, but who, in the end, wants it to be special.

and so, that being said, i point out the general, over talked aobut, guy must do something great and the girl expects it argument, yadda yada yada....
and i ask my self: what am i planning? i want it in return, so what am i planning?
well.. nothing really. i had several ideas... most of them cost more money than i'm looking to spend on much of anything right now, due to travel plans and what not.
see... i used to do cards. because my family does cards, we would have a fun breakfast w/ the table set nice, and have cards for each other.. and maybe there would be a little gift.. like a fun pair of socks, or a book or something.
but i stopped doing cards... when my general belief that if you set the example for someone else they will do the same in exchange. [ i realize sometimes the other person just dosent even see that its something you want repeated back.] never really was reciprocated. something done by hand or picked out w/ care.. something shared and thoughtfully written inside. always seemed to me it showed more than a present. but...
i stopped doing that. i dont even know what to write anymore. i'm not a good writer. what i write here, i rarely read again and is generally just babble that i never seem to quite get out in conversation. but when i try to write.. i cant.. i am an image person, not a word person.

so this yr what am i going to do? i dont know. i know that prolly something will come to mind, because i cant quite believe that even if it isn't reciprocated, it isn't appreciated.

i know what i want to do... but it cant happen, not tomorrow and not any time soon.

No comments: