1 yr.

Its been a year.
emotions have been high this week. it dosent help that work has been stressfull and so forth.

so much has happened in a year.
i dont feel like going back into it. go back and read my blog, its almost a year it's self.

last year life turned a new corner on july 5th.

This year it turns a differnt corner on Aug. 11th.

goodbye

goodbye REX.

good times and bad, you were fun.

glad i got to kiss you good bye.

all things moving forward.

curiosity really does kill the cat.
morbid curiosity really.

long story short. things ended, i moved forward with my life. i assumed he moved on with his. suddenly he was back in my life. we have preceded to be friends. hung out regularly for a while, but that oo has fallen by the way side, between travel and other plans. not on purpose. it just has. this has happened with other firends too. everyone is busy in their own lives.

so tonight i read his blog. he is finally the person i knew he could be. the one that i saw sometimes that was trying to get out. now hes there. making friends, gaining back into old social groups. doing things by him self, going to events.

I am happy for him. hes a good person. even though i have moved forward. in ways i know have absolutely crushed him. he is still putting his best foot forward. I am happy where i am now and who i'm with and where my life is going. but still as i read, there is a pang of jealousy. mainly because hes doing thins now that he wouldn't do with me and flat out refused. and also there is some deep seated anger, that even though i have forgiven him, i am still angry about.[logically he is forgiven, emotionally, it still hurts.] things you could call small things, but that spoke loudly, and even now still hurt horribly.

sickness

so.. the sickness that has apparently been going arround the office is now here. that right folks i may very well have another round of strep. i'm going to the dr. tommorrow.
I got to leave work ealry, good generaly, but it was going to be a good week. company meeting, nice lunch out, and a visite to the screen printers and another lunch out. a soccer game... good stuff, you know.

hopefully its just a head cold and i can go to work tommorw...

today is also tim's surgery. thats right folks, he will now have a bullet proof groin.

i was going to go hang out w/ him today, but i do not want to get him sick as well, or katy for that matter.

my lawn needs to be mowed.

i watched running w/ sissors this afternoon... [ok i started it at like, 11:30am], very good. glad i finally got to see it. didnt seem to get much press when it came out and went through the theaters quick. also finally saw a preview for half nelson. i tink i will have to see that as well.

so sad, i was looking forward to seeing the boy this afternoon... but that has been squashed. after a nice weekend of sitting arround i was lookngiforward to a busy week. today i could concevibly get something done.. but my head is a bit fuzzy and i cant think of anything i have been wanting to do.

i dont know eaither.

i'm the kind of girl that crys. i just do. a lot of times over nothing. i get to the point some days where thats the only way i'm going to feel better.
i can t cry in front of him. i'v needed to cry for the last 24 hrs... but, couldent. everything from work stress, to hating to shade of blue in these jeans, to the weather and my neck hurting.

i know he dosent know whats wrong, and unfortunitaly, i dont eaither.

but as soon as he turns his back and walks away the tears come flowing.

the day to day change of an inatiment object that i have not been recording.

as i drive home along 58th between lamar and sheridan, i can see a building going up. every day it changes a little more. some days a substantial amount has happened- say a few walls have gone up, and others, like today, i could see lonely after examination that they were putting the first layer of roofing on. the walls are all poured concrete, the kind w/ design lines in the molds to tell the masons where the different colors start and finish on the outer layer.
for some reason this project has sparked my interest- like the shoe at work, i wish i had caught it on the first day and begun taking pictures so as to see the real progress on a day by day play.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Valentines is here again. the one holiday you hear the most distaste for, and yet the hype is still there.
it was a good holiday in school , when everyone was forced to give cards to everyone else, and it involved candy, orange drink and stickers. as we grow up all sorts of notions fill our heads as to what the holiday should be. there are lots of sources to blame, so i wont list them here. you all know what they are. in fact, you all know exactly what i'm talking about. the holiday that no one likes, but everyone hopes will be extraordinary for them.
everyone handles this in a different way. some plan to boy-cott all together... others just gripe.. and I, ... well, I like to make the best of it. because I, like every onether girl.. knows its a bullshit holiday. Knows i dont want a dumb diamond tennis bracelet, but when it comes down to it, really hope i'll end up surprised with something special in the end.- so. ,because this holiday is what it is, i try to keep the spirit of 3rd grade valentine partys alive... i send out numerous valentines every yr. [if you dont get one form me, i am here now saying, "happy valentines!" there are other sappy things... like, "i love each of you from the bottom of my heart, you are good and special people and you are loved." but that comes off as horribly cheesy.] so valentines are sent, and cheep flowers from the safeway are bought, and distributed to whoever looks like they really need something special that day.
i started doing this in high school.... the first time i did it, i could see how much it ment to some people to receive a pretty flower to carry around that day. so i keept doing it.
i'v had good and bad valentines. i dont really need to get into it here, but for those of you reading, and thinking, yeah but you have some one and its all good... i have been on the other side, plenty often.

so why is it, that a person can feel loved daily. random things can be done through out the yr, on non prescribed "special" days, but yet- you yern for valentines to be really special? i know theres the general advertising and hooplaw around it, but, why does it matter so much? its just one day. i ask this as a person who doesn't nessicairly care for the holiday, but who, in the end, wants it to be special.

and so, that being said, i point out the general, over talked aobut, guy must do something great and the girl expects it argument, yadda yada yada....
and i ask my self: what am i planning? i want it in return, so what am i planning?
well.. nothing really. i had several ideas... most of them cost more money than i'm looking to spend on much of anything right now, due to travel plans and what not.
see... i used to do cards. because my family does cards, we would have a fun breakfast w/ the table set nice, and have cards for each other.. and maybe there would be a little gift.. like a fun pair of socks, or a book or something.
but i stopped doing cards... when my general belief that if you set the example for someone else they will do the same in exchange. [ i realize sometimes the other person just dosent even see that its something you want repeated back.] never really was reciprocated. something done by hand or picked out w/ care.. something shared and thoughtfully written inside. always seemed to me it showed more than a present. but...
i stopped doing that. i dont even know what to write anymore. i'm not a good writer. what i write here, i rarely read again and is generally just babble that i never seem to quite get out in conversation. but when i try to write.. i cant.. i am an image person, not a word person.

so this yr what am i going to do? i dont know. i know that prolly something will come to mind, because i cant quite believe that even if it isn't reciprocated, it isn't appreciated.

i know what i want to do... but it cant happen, not tomorrow and not any time soon.

heiniken is only worth it on sale. who knew.

so whats hte big deal with heiniken?
i bought some today at the store.. for 2 reasons. 1. i'v never had it and theres always alot of hooplaw arround it and 2.. wel... 2. because it was on sale. i'm cheep like that.

it tastes just like moosehead of rolling rock. Maybe iv just done horrive things to my tates buds over the years and i cant tell the subtle differance the make heiniken better than the others. though, for all the rep it has, it never shows up at partys. naw maybe thats because at our partys the boys in charge of beer like IPAs and so forth.. so we do alot of expirimenting, and not drinking of light beers.

it was really beautiful this weekend. i hope you all went out side.
though fast. too fast. my weekends arnt long enough. i dont know if its because my weeks are super stressful that by sunday, i feel as if i'm just starting to un wind, and rally need another day, but then monday is here again and were off and running. now i know i'm young and all that- dont have a fmialy, kids etc when i coe home. but still, this is plently right now. there is only one person i want to see when i get home from work. when i dont, i'm sad, even if i know theres no way he would be there because hes at work himself. july really cant come fast enough. at least in that sence.

so i sit here, watching the grammys, having only heard maybe one or 2 songs this yr. [w/ my headacher and tired eyes, dreading monday], and thnking that i need to rip more of my cds, and buy more music in general. listining to music is simlar to reading. the mmore you listen and the more diverse what you listen to is, the more you will grow and round out as a human being. i dont read enough and i dont listen to nearly enough music.

new post

i have been absent from posting for a few days... not for lack of things to talka obut but rather not talking about them.

i am not talking oaubt friend drama
i am not tlaking oaubt work.
we are not discussing my lack of typing ability.

so what can i tlak aobut?

well.. lets see....

i have been roller skating on the weekends. i am getting better, my balence felt better this last week when i got on the rink, and my shins and anckles dont hurt as much eaither.
we rented ...that...movie......uh..... the illusionest... it was alright. and something else, i dont kwo if it was kung fu or ninjas.. i slept thorugh the first hr, and then went to bed- i promply had a kitten try to attack my face.... he was removed form the room, then i slept.
tryed to go to Istanbul Grill... but it was GONE. so sad. had to have thebest noodlesin denver at Oshama Raman.... good stuff.
had planned for a night out sat as it was not supposed to be quite so much along the lines of frost bite, but in the end went to the grocery store after wendys at, like, 10 pm... it was good stuff.
also sat i ran erronds. like barnes and noble and target.

the weather was finally good today... i went out side and walked at lunch. i needed it.

my attempt at making valentines was.. not what i intended.. had a hard time and never did get the motherboard out of my old box. so, its clasic construction paper doilies and glitter. i need to get those in the post soon. i need to do alot of things soon... like put away my clean laundry.. and so forth. i keep thinknig i will be super productive on the weekend, since when i get home at night i dont even want to think aobut it... i am toast. i look at pretty pictures in magazines or read or watch northern exposier. but then.. my weekends are even fuller than my week.. and i am nt ever home and little gets done. i need to nip that in the bud. i like to be busy, but i ahve been too busy lately. i need to finish w/ all the boxes in my living room.. and deal w/ laundry and all that.

on the plus side tim will be closer.... prolly it will still take him an hr to bus to my place... but at least its not 2.... thoguh it does less happy things to his other comutes. and he will be 15 min form me.... and not 18 miles.. but like... 7
or less
and scooterable . :) if it ever melts. o how i long to ride... i was looking at fulface helmets and ne goggles the other day. i rally should at least get anew helmet.. i have 2 very nice ones that match my scoot, but they are 3/4 and not ful face.. and the differance is jaw reconstructive sergery when you crash.... yeah.. makes it sound like a good idea to me too.
generaly im a decent tight wad, randomly spending money on thigns that dont always make since. but w/ traveling.. and ten ihave a long list of thigns, all $100 or more that i want/ need.. it is making it hard to save as much as i want to. i rally need to buckle down and stick to my budget. other wise i will never get the house.. and thats not worth lousing.

snow, again

well, were on week 6 here.
they say more on tues and thursday too....

from my window i can see a snow bolder. yes, a boulder. interestingly this boulder was not always there. in fact it appeared at some point in the last week. i don't know where it came from, it is not of the normal plow pack drifts that still plague our city. tomorrow i will investigate.

it occurs to me that i forgot to get Popsicles at the store... i remembered the wine though. it also appears that i forgot about not drinking wine from a tumbler...

my room is gone..... today was it.... may father was already in there scarping tape and glow-stars off the wall. i would feel bad about all the stuff on the ceiling, but i'm too pissed about the whole thing. so let them deal w/ it. they wanted the room so bad.


i would say this is the first big turning point in our relation ship... at least to actually happen- i like my geeks, i do, and i know how much of a geek it makes me to be all warm and fuzzy about this-
"i want to put my ram and hard drives in your computer"... my heart is a flutter. :) giggle. no really, that made my day.

time

going through boxes with jumbles of childhood memories i pull out:

notes from prolly 5th grade between girls who stopped talking to me not far down the line... one form robin about a movie...
a barbie ski
valentine cards from years when we made covered boxes and labeled a valentine for everyone in the class.
some domino's
a button w/ a kitty on it.
silly putty
bouncy ball
couple marbles
a barbie purse
a pin that says "its my birthday."

the list goes on... everything important, most going in the trash. i have finally talked my self into letting go... of.... a lot. something i have been struggling with for a number of years. letting go. every little thing, i have connection to.. a series of memories. letting go of them makes me feel like i am letting go of those memories and of childhood. i think this is because i am not the best when it comes to memory.. but when i have a physical item they come flooding back.

i have admitted numerous times that i have far more passions than any one person needs to have at this point in their life. but why? well.. for the above reasons... also hobbies.. i have hoards of sewing stuff.. and art supplies.. books.... cloths....sporting equip... etc. it adds up. i don't just have one thing. i have everything. i like everything. and am always seeking new things. i love having special treasures and keep sakes.

this is part of growing up though.. i suppose.... keeping only a few very precious things and doing away w/ many other things that are really not that important.

::sigh::

speaking of which. i am happy to say hat living by myself has been happy. not many have seen my new place yet. but i have one person who keeps me company a few times a week, and between him and soccer and my parents and work... i'm just not alone too much. and its good. but i wish there were about 3 more days in the week. a night for crafts, and a night for reading, a night for cleaning, a night for watching tv... some how even my off nights seem full. thought.. maybe that because im still trying to get the rest of the crap out of my room and evenings have been devoted to that.
i just need one more day or so w/ some serious moving help to get the last of it i think. good luck to my parents getting all the stars and what not off the ceiling. i would feel bad if i wer'nt pissed that they have totally kicked me out of my room so my parents can each have their own office.


my big worry about moving had been that i would be seriously depressed at night. and i am on and off.. though i think its more sad and a whole combination of things that caus that. i know it, i can pin point them actually. im better in the morning.

but things are good. i am good. and i am happy. i just wish i could make my nights w/ the boy more of a constant thing. we don't have to go out. the nights where we sit on the couch and read are as good as any. but we have several months until leases are up. my hope is to get my landlord to allow both a boy and a cat. it may be a bit cramped... but. it would work i think. that's part of my weeding down possessions as well as clothing thing too. i need to not be able to fill a small house on my own. the travel time for him is longer.. between work and here mainly... but hes already justified that its really only one more trip a week than he already doing.. the other would be broken up by school in the middle.
i really don't want to move again so soon.. still getting unpacked and organized really. but we will see. depends on my landlord.. and us... we have to go to china first. which should be interesting as we have never traveled farther than winter park together. it should be good though. i'm just along for the ride, this is the boys trip.

its not that we have an odd relationship. it makes perfect sense to us. if i told you all the things about us that we've not told you you might be surprised. but were comfortable. our pace is kind of back and forth, side to side and kind of forward.... to an outsider it might seem fast. but on the inside it just feels like we are catching up to lost time. lost time that is only there because we needed to each date other people first. those other relationships made us who we are and made us know our selves better. i think my original perdition's of doom would have been shortly lived out had we gotten together from the get go. but 2 boyfriends, 2 girlfriends, 3 schools, 1 graduation, several jobs and 6 different cities later.... its finally right.

a blanket of white and all it intails.

at 3:45 this morning, i was suddenly wide awake. i was yesterday as well. yesterday i thought it was because i hadnet actually gotten any exercise and was eaither wy hot or way cold or something.
this morning there is no reason. i was fine. i had at least a little exercise, was decently upset when i went to bed, tired form not sleeping enough the day before and could actually feel myself getting sicker.
but alas, here i am, because i was not going back to sleep, and because it is snowing. 3- 9 inches. just s little snow they say. it is, as all snow is, astoundingly beautiful. from my desk i can watch it snow on the world. much to my dismay though, i see a good 3 inches or more build up on the cars out there.

ulg. i rally need to go to work. cant have another snow day. but for those of you following along, i am not particularly fond of driving in the snow, since my last accident at th end of oct. was in snow. now i am mildly terrified of it and everything it involves- think federal hights and several alarming hills in a sports car.

i find that i always want to blather out personal things here. i know i have like.. 2 maybe 4 readers tops, and i know those people to at least some degree. and so by some decent deduction they could prolly figure out even mid range cryptic posts. ... or maybe not, i have found that people know less than i think they do in alot of cases, mainly because i carry srround dialog and general topics of decent gossip in my head alot, but rairly vocalize it to most people. so alot of times my posts are aobut the blue sky, the snow and all its doing and what not. but what they are really aobut are everything i am not saying. everything i dont think the world is ready to know.
not being a writer, i dont vocalize thigns well. i dont write pretty pose or deep phyilosphical thigns because they always come out as cheesey and i am too gaurded to release myself into the world. that being said it is funny that, if asked a direct question aobut something, i will generally give a direct answer aobut anything you want to know.
[right now is the perfect viewing time for heavely blowing snow making wild patterns in the street light.]

so , i believe i lost track back there, but what i was saying is that my posts are about about a hundred things i am not saying.
right now i have notbeen saying that i am making decisions aobut things and dealing with various forms of stress. decisions about various things, wher the decision is not what to decide but how to exicute it. for example, i may want to hang out and be friends, but when is it too much? and where is the line drawn? because it can be a very fuzzy line. when deep down i know that if i'm feeling uncomfortable oaubt it then it prolly is crossing a line. but the decision is how to ballance and when to give and when not to.
there is also the decision of knowing you are ready to do something, but not wanting to jump in both feet first. maybe because i am a sissy and maybe because, my mother who i ador, has, particularly in the last several months, makes me feel like any decision i make is horrible. when announcing a decision, i am met w/ a horrible pearcing stare that boars into my soul and can only be decribed as "you shot the neighbor kid!? what were you thinking"... when really the subject at hand is: "your playing soccer again?" [she hates that i play], met weeks lator w/ "what do you mean you didnt go to your game?" [what the?], to "you have a christmas tree?"
MY GOD, YES!.... silly me an my decision making. now, i know most of the resons for this, i really do, but that does not make me feel any better and i have the arguement, of having never, really done anything... wll, other than hitting amy in the head w/ a rock when i was 5 or 6. other than that i have ditched a class or two here and there.. and i mean that as in 1 in highschool, and like 2 a yr in college. seriously. its just wrong. i can also argue the choices and the time frame in which she made them in her life. she would argue that things are differnt for me, my father is not dead and she has not infact mildly abandond me, and this is true, i am spoild. i know it and i enjoy it. but that does not mean i am not 23 and entirly self sufficent. well, other than the AAA membor ship, but as a family its super cheep, and i'm not mentioning it if she hasnt noticed. and i get our moneys worth out of that.
so something i am working on, is making choices for me and not for her. because i know that i never make choices that put me or others in any kind of danger. in fact i am a mildy paranoid, overly cautious, goody two shoes.

and w/ that, i think i better try for another hr of sleep before deciding about work.

so glad

it appears things are not always as they seem... or are at least much much worse, or better.

i am so glad you are doing better dear, lost, boy.

god damn, fuck you.

things have been stressfull lately. may parents are their own broad spectrum of stress that ranges from thnigs that really piss me off, to things i'm mad aobut because i'm spoiled brat, and they never intended as thigns to anoy me.

and suddenly i feel the stress of things going well, untill they start to mirror more unplesent thigns, and that scares me and pisses me off, and then theres people who have been ignoring you, who are suddenly all like "o yeah lets hang out." rally i should be happy because they are maknig the effort after ignoring mine, but the combination of mirrored things and that. just stress me out, in a way i dont know how to deal w/. its seems and is so very simple, and yet, its a nasty swirling vortex of crap i dont want here- in my head- ever.

its 3:30...am

i was enjoying watching my xmas tree more than the tv. TV turned off.. i was going to read.... then i stated having weird thoughts about the floor boards..and it was 2 hrs later. to bed i went, not long after 9. a little early, considering the decent amounts of sleep i have had the last several days.
sadly i am feeling a mild panic about work. yes i will go in Tuesday and get things done that i need to get done, but still, i will not have over achieved.

i had been having a weird dram about lines at a burger king and the STUPID ASS people in them. never the less woke up rather angry. now, i have the overactive imagination that can do one of 2 things. i cant either imagine my self into happier places and go right back to sleep, or i can get deeper into the feeling of the dream. i immediately started doing the second. so here i am, because if i get up and away, i will quickly forget, and all is well.

i have been thinking about that lately- that i had not dreamed in a long time. which is not entirely true. i tend to dream when i am dosing in front of movies and what not. but the second i wake up and try to determine what i was thinking about, it is gone :poof: and i am left w/ and odd feeling of.... i don't really know. how ever, i had not been dreaming at night when i am actually in bed. as a rule, i rarely remember dreams after i have been awake roughly 5.3 seconds, or remember them well enough to even give a very randomly vague description.

i always wanted to have those dreams that when looked at later are insight into things in my life. the kind of dreams that contain people who are important to you, and you interact some how in the dram, and then later once you are awake, it all is apparent and representative. no such luck.

i do have recurring dreams. but those are bad. my dreams in general are scary or angrey or very very sad.- especially the recurring ones. every great once in a while i have one that is just simply :blah:, but that is all. i cannot remember the last good dream i had.


i keep wanting to replace the radio in my car. its been almost a year. but to replace the radio i need to replace the security system, since my car is a determinable hit when it comes to things being stolen. but.... i think i do most of my thinking when i am in my car. because it is entirely quiet. allot of times i sing. i sing loud, and i sing bad. i pretend i don't. i pretend i have the range to do carol of the bells perfectly. in reality i have 1 pitch, it really does not vary hardly at all, and i have no idea what "correct pitch" might be or how to find it. sadly, i think that even if you showed me, i would never be able to match it- even if i did have range.

out side of my car i have stoped thinking. that is greatly my doing. i immerse myself in movies and tv shows and interesting things on the internet and reading and craft projects and sports and food and what have you. everything possible not to have to think. for a while now that has been good for me. because for a while now, if i am left alone to think for too long i end up horribly horribly up set for several days until i can bland out my brain again and get it distracted and not really thinking about anything.
now there have been some exceptions. AIM pulls me out, into a different realm, where i can think about parts of the conversation for days [this is true w/ real life conversation as well], thinking over what i said, what the other person said, what i would like to say now that i have thought about it, things i meant to say but forgot during the moment and most importantly, what the other person said and how i feel about it.
lately thought, i have found i have a hard time pulling my self out of the media, so that i can think when i want to. the weather has been bad, and when it has been good, my walks have not exceeded a mile and a half, and i really need about 3 to think allot of things over. [i pray for good weather and later sun sets] when at home i am drawn to my computer and sometimes movies and the tv. it is hard for me to turn them off- walk away, and focus on other things. i couldn't focus on the movie last night, and i couldn't focus on reading after the tv was off.... and so i promptly fell right back to sleep. so i welcome this 3 am awakeness. i may be tired the rest of the day, but who cares? its Christmas eve. NOTHING happens Christmas eve. we are gonig to dinner at 5:30, then we will look at lights, and then... maybe watch natl' lampoons xmas vacation. [though maybe not, we watched it last yr and my mother hates watching things in repeat.] only thing this will do for me, is help me get to sleep, and that is good because admittedly, no matter how unpulsed about the actual holiday i am, the actual day isn't that high on my list.- admittedly i cannot sleep Christmas eve. at least not until about 2 am. i still listen for santa [though i was informed he is not coming this yr, but well see]- because you see, there is still a very tiny part of me- at age 23 that wonders. and another larger part of me that really wants it to be true.
i am less interested in the actual day of Christmas than about the season and the holiday spirit. i enjoy buying presents, allot of times i buy things much earlier in the yr and just save them until now. this yr i finally feel like i can actually buy a few things for friends and family with out putting myself in debt practically. [though prolly i am at this point.] i LOVE the lights. i love seeing everything all decorated up w/ pine bough and garland swags and ribbon. but lights are just magical... winter nights are allot of it i think. because sadly lights louse [only a tiny smidgen, mind you] - louse there magic when they are not viewed in the cold. winter nights are crisp and clear. they are a time for bundling up and walking and hot coco or cider. they are a time for snow flakes and carols. winter nights are wonderful.
every yr i watch charlie brown xmas. i love it very much. i have the cd.. the music stands on its own in a way i cannot describe [i have not actually listened to it this yr, as w/ many of my cds my parents have stolen it and put it in one of their cars.- but this is only another thing to inflict rage in me tonight- and the reason against this post, of why i have not been thinking for a while]. every yr Linus tells charlie brown the meaning of Christmas. every yr i listen to it and those beautiful words are only sounds. because that's not really how i think about the season.
for me Christmas is about lights- especially those houses decorated in the older burbs- where people have been buying one new lawn ornaments every yr for 40 or 50 years, and the put them all on display. those are the best. no arguments. Christmas is about snowy walks and hot cider, fire places and good food. Christmas is about friends and family, and taking a small bit of time to think about- i mean rally think about what they mean to you, and to take the time to show them how much they mean. often we do this w/ a gift, be it rally hart felt, or something kind of random, because there were not $10 gifts or even words to describe how we feel about these people and what they mean to us. Christmas is about love. and it takes an entire season to inflict this feeling in people so that they have something to get them through jan and feb- because lets face it, valentines day, despite all its effort, really does the opposite.

back to night lights.
i am 23. my mother was married by now, so was a cosine and most of my aunts and grandmothers. from a distance- a distance of middle school or high school, 23 looks like a time when you are plenty old enough to decided if you are easy to be married or not. but now i am here. i really think about this about every 6 months or so. most likely because i know society says i am old enough- i am employed, self supported, out of the house, done w/ school- i can be ready now. my last relationship was not the one. i knew it would not last about a yr in. at 3 years, i wasn't quite ready to let go, but we both knew it was time. walk away. it wasn't anyones fault, really, there are allot of things to blame, and i still do. but really it was personality, and personal growth. we were in different places in our lives. i had hoped to stay friends, since the split was mutual, but he doesn't want to talk to me. i sincerely wish him nothing but the best. farewell dear friend.
but while dating him, i wanted him to be the one. and maybe that's why we lasted 3 years. i had seen some maturity that told me maybe he was growing up and some previous issues would move to the back burner and work out. they did not. also, i like to be comfortable- i like spontaneity, but really don't like change unless i am ready. so when faced with being single again, i was mildly terrified. would i ever date again? apparently so. though admittedly it is nice to have friends who can keep their mouths shut until the time is appropriate instead of causing immense drama at the wrong time. this has only worked out well for him. weather there are others, i have no idea nore do i want to, i am, to a degree, purposely oblivious.
but for as long as i have known i wanted to be married and have a family, i have known that the idea didn't sit quite right. i could not ever picture my self in white and having a wedding. i never planned "dream weddings" when i was younger. it just never felt right. some of that is because i dont like partys centered around me anyway. so i had decided that the easiest compromise would be to elope to Canada and have a party later. Canada still looks good, but now older i say "hell, screw Canada, lets hit Europe and make it the honey moon too."
only recently have i entertained the thought of a wedding that i would like. -sure there are beautiful mountain sides and gardens galore, all would be spectacular, but none felt ...real...
i was at the botanic garden the other night, for Blossoms of Light, and i thought, this could be very fun. a night time wedding in parkas, then rent a room inside for the reception and warmth. now maybe this thought was spurred by 2 things: 1, there have been years of trying to figure out how to fit in red velvet dress and a winter wedding- due to too many viewing of White Christmas and 2, only earlier that night i had walked by a bridal shop and had liked every single dress in the window. [most wedding dresses are ugly as sin.]
and so since then all my previous thoughts on the subject have been swirling. when will i be ready. i really don't know. i have, recently, been feeling older than ever before- less gawky 12 yr old, and more just geeky 12 yr old.- and older in a different way, that i can only describe a relaxed and content and ...right. and for the first time ever, entertaining the idea of marriage and a wedding [or most likely not] actually seem real- like it is something i will do, not just something that will happen some time when i am old enough.
so like anything else that is floating in my mind, i start googling. i like to plan and research. let me research and plan the crap out of something for a few weeks and then i will louse interest and happily go w/ the flow. so googling i have been- googling rings and dresses, a few castle rentals- not cake yet- i think that is next. what ever i do, i do want the dress. the dress is important, and symbolic, weather you believe in a full catholic mass or simply saying vows. it is important.

i am not ready yet. but, i am more ready than i have ever been before.

taco bell

"i go through the sauce packets every time i'm there"

makes me smile.

the calm... no storm

how is it that spaghetti, electronic equipment and xmas lights qualify for an unbelievably perfect night?

in general

in life in general, its nice to have that person who you know will be there if you call. the person that calms you down... just their general presence lets you let go of everythign else in your life. for a few short hrs. you can be happy and be you and.... forget.

be good to your friends, we never really know how much we mean to someone.

temper

so latley i have seriously pissed off. seriously. mainly for reasons that are not all the important, and thus only more pissed off.. be cause i'm mad at myself for being pissed off about admitidly stupid things.

i am in the process of moving. it has been suggested that i have a house warming party. i'm not fopund of partys. i feel like i have to enertaine people and they are having a horrible time. i dont have any vidio games, or board games.... or anything really. i spend my time out at work or soccer or what have you, or reading or on my computer- which thanks to this move i can start using my real computer again. and i need to instal a modem. thats right, i'm putting out for dial up. the other problem w/ house warmign is that whaere i am living is a house thats been split in 2. and the back/upstairs/basement is inhabited by a family and the adults are.. like.. 50... so. that would make it a "every one must be gone by 10:30 kind of party... if at that point it can really be called a party. so well see.

so as i said i have been pised of.. seriously... but some how, this morning i woke up happy, and invigorated aobut moving and aobut kitty shoping and aobut getting things done at work so they will be off my concience. it feels like a friday.. a friday where i want to sit and work my ass off to get things done. weird, i know.

apartmenting will be good for me. things are tense at home. nothing has changed, but we are dringing eachother up the wall. i dont want to have to come home every night because its the right thing to do. and i want to have people over and not be like.. well... my parents are here... because, i love our house and my parents arnt bad.. but sometimes its nice to not have them there.

this will be a good week. tonight: kitty shopping, tommorw: i dont know- moving i guess, wed: out and out, thursday birthday dinner, friday: out, saturday: moving[the final, riding, party, party.. uh.. etc., sunday gettign settled.......
i am sure i will be pissed off again by the time i leave work.. and for most of this week. but right now thigns are good, and deep down i know the change is for the better. i really dont have that much to be pissed aoubt, and i keep trying to tell myself that.

time to get to work.

still wonderful

not close.
-but wonderful.
thank you.

mumblings

words wispered almost unaudibly. for me, you really dont have to wisper, i prolly will mis it anyway. but i heard enough to stop and question what was said.
was it intended to be heard.. or even said outloud?
i choose to respond w/ a smile. because if i heard right, i really dont quite know how to respond right now.