omg. the sky is so so so so so so SO blue today.
go out.
take a walk.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Saturday, December 30, 2006
HAPPY NEW YEARS
as the sun sets over the mountains the new snow radiates a color i can only describe as champane.
Happy New Years
Happy New Years
Friday, December 29, 2006
snow tip
tip:
the surest way to get snow all the way up your back is to jump backwards from the top of a snow pile, to make snow angles...
the surest way to get snow all the way up your back is to jump backwards from the top of a snow pile, to make snow angles...
Thursday, December 28, 2006
SNOW SNOW AND MORE SNOW
SNOW... yeah... its white-outing, go home from work NOW.
also claming we will have a new foot by tommorw morning, and another possible 2 feet after that by sat night.
also claming we will have a new foot by tommorw morning, and another possible 2 feet after that by sat night.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
so glad
it appears things are not always as they seem... or are at least much much worse, or better.
i am so glad you are doing better dear, lost, boy.
i am so glad you are doing better dear, lost, boy.
Monday, December 25, 2006
god damn, fuck you.
things have been stressfull lately. may parents are their own broad spectrum of stress that ranges from thnigs that really piss me off, to things i'm mad aobut because i'm spoiled brat, and they never intended as thigns to anoy me.
and suddenly i feel the stress of things going well, untill they start to mirror more unplesent thigns, and that scares me and pisses me off, and then theres people who have been ignoring you, who are suddenly all like "o yeah lets hang out." rally i should be happy because they are maknig the effort after ignoring mine, but the combination of mirrored things and that. just stress me out, in a way i dont know how to deal w/. its seems and is so very simple, and yet, its a nasty swirling vortex of crap i dont want here- in my head- ever.
and suddenly i feel the stress of things going well, untill they start to mirror more unplesent thigns, and that scares me and pisses me off, and then theres people who have been ignoring you, who are suddenly all like "o yeah lets hang out." rally i should be happy because they are maknig the effort after ignoring mine, but the combination of mirrored things and that. just stress me out, in a way i dont know how to deal w/. its seems and is so very simple, and yet, its a nasty swirling vortex of crap i dont want here- in my head- ever.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
its 3:30...am
i was enjoying watching my xmas tree more than the tv. TV turned off.. i was going to read.... then i stated having weird thoughts about the floor boards..and it was 2 hrs later. to bed i went, not long after 9. a little early, considering the decent amounts of sleep i have had the last several days.
sadly i am feeling a mild panic about work. yes i will go in Tuesday and get things done that i need to get done, but still, i will not have over achieved.
i had been having a weird dram about lines at a burger king and the STUPID ASS people in them. never the less woke up rather angry. now, i have the overactive imagination that can do one of 2 things. i cant either imagine my self into happier places and go right back to sleep, or i can get deeper into the feeling of the dream. i immediately started doing the second. so here i am, because if i get up and away, i will quickly forget, and all is well.
i have been thinking about that lately- that i had not dreamed in a long time. which is not entirely true. i tend to dream when i am dosing in front of movies and what not. but the second i wake up and try to determine what i was thinking about, it is gone :poof: and i am left w/ and odd feeling of.... i don't really know. how ever, i had not been dreaming at night when i am actually in bed. as a rule, i rarely remember dreams after i have been awake roughly 5.3 seconds, or remember them well enough to even give a very randomly vague description.
i always wanted to have those dreams that when looked at later are insight into things in my life. the kind of dreams that contain people who are important to you, and you interact some how in the dram, and then later once you are awake, it all is apparent and representative. no such luck.
i do have recurring dreams. but those are bad. my dreams in general are scary or angrey or very very sad.- especially the recurring ones. every great once in a while i have one that is just simply :blah:, but that is all. i cannot remember the last good dream i had.
i keep wanting to replace the radio in my car. its been almost a year. but to replace the radio i need to replace the security system, since my car is a determinable hit when it comes to things being stolen. but.... i think i do most of my thinking when i am in my car. because it is entirely quiet. allot of times i sing. i sing loud, and i sing bad. i pretend i don't. i pretend i have the range to do carol of the bells perfectly. in reality i have 1 pitch, it really does not vary hardly at all, and i have no idea what "correct pitch" might be or how to find it. sadly, i think that even if you showed me, i would never be able to match it- even if i did have range.
out side of my car i have stoped thinking. that is greatly my doing. i immerse myself in movies and tv shows and interesting things on the internet and reading and craft projects and sports and food and what have you. everything possible not to have to think. for a while now that has been good for me. because for a while now, if i am left alone to think for too long i end up horribly horribly up set for several days until i can bland out my brain again and get it distracted and not really thinking about anything.
now there have been some exceptions. AIM pulls me out, into a different realm, where i can think about parts of the conversation for days [this is true w/ real life conversation as well], thinking over what i said, what the other person said, what i would like to say now that i have thought about it, things i meant to say but forgot during the moment and most importantly, what the other person said and how i feel about it.
lately thought, i have found i have a hard time pulling my self out of the media, so that i can think when i want to. the weather has been bad, and when it has been good, my walks have not exceeded a mile and a half, and i really need about 3 to think allot of things over. [i pray for good weather and later sun sets] when at home i am drawn to my computer and sometimes movies and the tv. it is hard for me to turn them off- walk away, and focus on other things. i couldn't focus on the movie last night, and i couldn't focus on reading after the tv was off.... and so i promptly fell right back to sleep. so i welcome this 3 am awakeness. i may be tired the rest of the day, but who cares? its Christmas eve. NOTHING happens Christmas eve. we are gonig to dinner at 5:30, then we will look at lights, and then... maybe watch natl' lampoons xmas vacation. [though maybe not, we watched it last yr and my mother hates watching things in repeat.] only thing this will do for me, is help me get to sleep, and that is good because admittedly, no matter how unpulsed about the actual holiday i am, the actual day isn't that high on my list.- admittedly i cannot sleep Christmas eve. at least not until about 2 am. i still listen for santa [though i was informed he is not coming this yr, but well see]- because you see, there is still a very tiny part of me- at age 23 that wonders. and another larger part of me that really wants it to be true.
i am less interested in the actual day of Christmas than about the season and the holiday spirit. i enjoy buying presents, allot of times i buy things much earlier in the yr and just save them until now. this yr i finally feel like i can actually buy a few things for friends and family with out putting myself in debt practically. [though prolly i am at this point.] i LOVE the lights. i love seeing everything all decorated up w/ pine bough and garland swags and ribbon. but lights are just magical... winter nights are allot of it i think. because sadly lights louse [only a tiny smidgen, mind you] - louse there magic when they are not viewed in the cold. winter nights are crisp and clear. they are a time for bundling up and walking and hot coco or cider. they are a time for snow flakes and carols. winter nights are wonderful.
every yr i watch charlie brown xmas. i love it very much. i have the cd.. the music stands on its own in a way i cannot describe [i have not actually listened to it this yr, as w/ many of my cds my parents have stolen it and put it in one of their cars.- but this is only another thing to inflict rage in me tonight- and the reason against this post, of why i have not been thinking for a while]. every yr Linus tells charlie brown the meaning of Christmas. every yr i listen to it and those beautiful words are only sounds. because that's not really how i think about the season.
for me Christmas is about lights- especially those houses decorated in the older burbs- where people have been buying one new lawn ornaments every yr for 40 or 50 years, and the put them all on display. those are the best. no arguments. Christmas is about snowy walks and hot cider, fire places and good food. Christmas is about friends and family, and taking a small bit of time to think about- i mean rally think about what they mean to you, and to take the time to show them how much they mean. often we do this w/ a gift, be it rally hart felt, or something kind of random, because there were not $10 gifts or even words to describe how we feel about these people and what they mean to us. Christmas is about love. and it takes an entire season to inflict this feeling in people so that they have something to get them through jan and feb- because lets face it, valentines day, despite all its effort, really does the opposite.
back to night lights.
i am 23. my mother was married by now, so was a cosine and most of my aunts and grandmothers. from a distance- a distance of middle school or high school, 23 looks like a time when you are plenty old enough to decided if you are easy to be married or not. but now i am here. i really think about this about every 6 months or so. most likely because i know society says i am old enough- i am employed, self supported, out of the house, done w/ school- i can be ready now. my last relationship was not the one. i knew it would not last about a yr in. at 3 years, i wasn't quite ready to let go, but we both knew it was time. walk away. it wasn't anyones fault, really, there are allot of things to blame, and i still do. but really it was personality, and personal growth. we were in different places in our lives. i had hoped to stay friends, since the split was mutual, but he doesn't want to talk to me. i sincerely wish him nothing but the best. farewell dear friend.
but while dating him, i wanted him to be the one. and maybe that's why we lasted 3 years. i had seen some maturity that told me maybe he was growing up and some previous issues would move to the back burner and work out. they did not. also, i like to be comfortable- i like spontaneity, but really don't like change unless i am ready. so when faced with being single again, i was mildly terrified. would i ever date again? apparently so. though admittedly it is nice to have friends who can keep their mouths shut until the time is appropriate instead of causing immense drama at the wrong time. this has only worked out well for him. weather there are others, i have no idea nore do i want to, i am, to a degree, purposely oblivious.
but for as long as i have known i wanted to be married and have a family, i have known that the idea didn't sit quite right. i could not ever picture my self in white and having a wedding. i never planned "dream weddings" when i was younger. it just never felt right. some of that is because i dont like partys centered around me anyway. so i had decided that the easiest compromise would be to elope to Canada and have a party later. Canada still looks good, but now older i say "hell, screw Canada, lets hit Europe and make it the honey moon too."
only recently have i entertained the thought of a wedding that i would like. -sure there are beautiful mountain sides and gardens galore, all would be spectacular, but none felt ...real...
i was at the botanic garden the other night, for Blossoms of Light, and i thought, this could be very fun. a night time wedding in parkas, then rent a room inside for the reception and warmth. now maybe this thought was spurred by 2 things: 1, there have been years of trying to figure out how to fit in red velvet dress and a winter wedding- due to too many viewing of White Christmas and 2, only earlier that night i had walked by a bridal shop and had liked every single dress in the window. [most wedding dresses are ugly as sin.]
and so since then all my previous thoughts on the subject have been swirling. when will i be ready. i really don't know. i have, recently, been feeling older than ever before- less gawky 12 yr old, and more just geeky 12 yr old.- and older in a different way, that i can only describe a relaxed and content and ...right. and for the first time ever, entertaining the idea of marriage and a wedding [or most likely not] actually seem real- like it is something i will do, not just something that will happen some time when i am old enough.
so like anything else that is floating in my mind, i start googling. i like to plan and research. let me research and plan the crap out of something for a few weeks and then i will louse interest and happily go w/ the flow. so googling i have been- googling rings and dresses, a few castle rentals- not cake yet- i think that is next. what ever i do, i do want the dress. the dress is important, and symbolic, weather you believe in a full catholic mass or simply saying vows. it is important.
i am not ready yet. but, i am more ready than i have ever been before.
sadly i am feeling a mild panic about work. yes i will go in Tuesday and get things done that i need to get done, but still, i will not have over achieved.
i had been having a weird dram about lines at a burger king and the STUPID ASS people in them. never the less woke up rather angry. now, i have the overactive imagination that can do one of 2 things. i cant either imagine my self into happier places and go right back to sleep, or i can get deeper into the feeling of the dream. i immediately started doing the second. so here i am, because if i get up and away, i will quickly forget, and all is well.
i have been thinking about that lately- that i had not dreamed in a long time. which is not entirely true. i tend to dream when i am dosing in front of movies and what not. but the second i wake up and try to determine what i was thinking about, it is gone :poof: and i am left w/ and odd feeling of.... i don't really know. how ever, i had not been dreaming at night when i am actually in bed. as a rule, i rarely remember dreams after i have been awake roughly 5.3 seconds, or remember them well enough to even give a very randomly vague description.
i always wanted to have those dreams that when looked at later are insight into things in my life. the kind of dreams that contain people who are important to you, and you interact some how in the dram, and then later once you are awake, it all is apparent and representative. no such luck.
i do have recurring dreams. but those are bad. my dreams in general are scary or angrey or very very sad.- especially the recurring ones. every great once in a while i have one that is just simply :blah:, but that is all. i cannot remember the last good dream i had.
i keep wanting to replace the radio in my car. its been almost a year. but to replace the radio i need to replace the security system, since my car is a determinable hit when it comes to things being stolen. but.... i think i do most of my thinking when i am in my car. because it is entirely quiet. allot of times i sing. i sing loud, and i sing bad. i pretend i don't. i pretend i have the range to do carol of the bells perfectly. in reality i have 1 pitch, it really does not vary hardly at all, and i have no idea what "correct pitch" might be or how to find it. sadly, i think that even if you showed me, i would never be able to match it- even if i did have range.
out side of my car i have stoped thinking. that is greatly my doing. i immerse myself in movies and tv shows and interesting things on the internet and reading and craft projects and sports and food and what have you. everything possible not to have to think. for a while now that has been good for me. because for a while now, if i am left alone to think for too long i end up horribly horribly up set for several days until i can bland out my brain again and get it distracted and not really thinking about anything.
now there have been some exceptions. AIM pulls me out, into a different realm, where i can think about parts of the conversation for days [this is true w/ real life conversation as well], thinking over what i said, what the other person said, what i would like to say now that i have thought about it, things i meant to say but forgot during the moment and most importantly, what the other person said and how i feel about it.
lately thought, i have found i have a hard time pulling my self out of the media, so that i can think when i want to. the weather has been bad, and when it has been good, my walks have not exceeded a mile and a half, and i really need about 3 to think allot of things over. [i pray for good weather and later sun sets] when at home i am drawn to my computer and sometimes movies and the tv. it is hard for me to turn them off- walk away, and focus on other things. i couldn't focus on the movie last night, and i couldn't focus on reading after the tv was off.... and so i promptly fell right back to sleep. so i welcome this 3 am awakeness. i may be tired the rest of the day, but who cares? its Christmas eve. NOTHING happens Christmas eve. we are gonig to dinner at 5:30, then we will look at lights, and then... maybe watch natl' lampoons xmas vacation. [though maybe not, we watched it last yr and my mother hates watching things in repeat.] only thing this will do for me, is help me get to sleep, and that is good because admittedly, no matter how unpulsed about the actual holiday i am, the actual day isn't that high on my list.- admittedly i cannot sleep Christmas eve. at least not until about 2 am. i still listen for santa [though i was informed he is not coming this yr, but well see]- because you see, there is still a very tiny part of me- at age 23 that wonders. and another larger part of me that really wants it to be true.
i am less interested in the actual day of Christmas than about the season and the holiday spirit. i enjoy buying presents, allot of times i buy things much earlier in the yr and just save them until now. this yr i finally feel like i can actually buy a few things for friends and family with out putting myself in debt practically. [though prolly i am at this point.] i LOVE the lights. i love seeing everything all decorated up w/ pine bough and garland swags and ribbon. but lights are just magical... winter nights are allot of it i think. because sadly lights louse [only a tiny smidgen, mind you] - louse there magic when they are not viewed in the cold. winter nights are crisp and clear. they are a time for bundling up and walking and hot coco or cider. they are a time for snow flakes and carols. winter nights are wonderful.
every yr i watch charlie brown xmas. i love it very much. i have the cd.. the music stands on its own in a way i cannot describe [i have not actually listened to it this yr, as w/ many of my cds my parents have stolen it and put it in one of their cars.- but this is only another thing to inflict rage in me tonight- and the reason against this post, of why i have not been thinking for a while]. every yr Linus tells charlie brown the meaning of Christmas. every yr i listen to it and those beautiful words are only sounds. because that's not really how i think about the season.
for me Christmas is about lights- especially those houses decorated in the older burbs- where people have been buying one new lawn ornaments every yr for 40 or 50 years, and the put them all on display. those are the best. no arguments. Christmas is about snowy walks and hot cider, fire places and good food. Christmas is about friends and family, and taking a small bit of time to think about- i mean rally think about what they mean to you, and to take the time to show them how much they mean. often we do this w/ a gift, be it rally hart felt, or something kind of random, because there were not $10 gifts or even words to describe how we feel about these people and what they mean to us. Christmas is about love. and it takes an entire season to inflict this feeling in people so that they have something to get them through jan and feb- because lets face it, valentines day, despite all its effort, really does the opposite.
back to night lights.
i am 23. my mother was married by now, so was a cosine and most of my aunts and grandmothers. from a distance- a distance of middle school or high school, 23 looks like a time when you are plenty old enough to decided if you are easy to be married or not. but now i am here. i really think about this about every 6 months or so. most likely because i know society says i am old enough- i am employed, self supported, out of the house, done w/ school- i can be ready now. my last relationship was not the one. i knew it would not last about a yr in. at 3 years, i wasn't quite ready to let go, but we both knew it was time. walk away. it wasn't anyones fault, really, there are allot of things to blame, and i still do. but really it was personality, and personal growth. we were in different places in our lives. i had hoped to stay friends, since the split was mutual, but he doesn't want to talk to me. i sincerely wish him nothing but the best. farewell dear friend.
but while dating him, i wanted him to be the one. and maybe that's why we lasted 3 years. i had seen some maturity that told me maybe he was growing up and some previous issues would move to the back burner and work out. they did not. also, i like to be comfortable- i like spontaneity, but really don't like change unless i am ready. so when faced with being single again, i was mildly terrified. would i ever date again? apparently so. though admittedly it is nice to have friends who can keep their mouths shut until the time is appropriate instead of causing immense drama at the wrong time. this has only worked out well for him. weather there are others, i have no idea nore do i want to, i am, to a degree, purposely oblivious.
but for as long as i have known i wanted to be married and have a family, i have known that the idea didn't sit quite right. i could not ever picture my self in white and having a wedding. i never planned "dream weddings" when i was younger. it just never felt right. some of that is because i dont like partys centered around me anyway. so i had decided that the easiest compromise would be to elope to Canada and have a party later. Canada still looks good, but now older i say "hell, screw Canada, lets hit Europe and make it the honey moon too."
only recently have i entertained the thought of a wedding that i would like. -sure there are beautiful mountain sides and gardens galore, all would be spectacular, but none felt ...real...
i was at the botanic garden the other night, for Blossoms of Light, and i thought, this could be very fun. a night time wedding in parkas, then rent a room inside for the reception and warmth. now maybe this thought was spurred by 2 things: 1, there have been years of trying to figure out how to fit in red velvet dress and a winter wedding- due to too many viewing of White Christmas and 2, only earlier that night i had walked by a bridal shop and had liked every single dress in the window. [most wedding dresses are ugly as sin.]
and so since then all my previous thoughts on the subject have been swirling. when will i be ready. i really don't know. i have, recently, been feeling older than ever before- less gawky 12 yr old, and more just geeky 12 yr old.- and older in a different way, that i can only describe a relaxed and content and ...right. and for the first time ever, entertaining the idea of marriage and a wedding [or most likely not] actually seem real- like it is something i will do, not just something that will happen some time when i am old enough.
so like anything else that is floating in my mind, i start googling. i like to plan and research. let me research and plan the crap out of something for a few weeks and then i will louse interest and happily go w/ the flow. so googling i have been- googling rings and dresses, a few castle rentals- not cake yet- i think that is next. what ever i do, i do want the dress. the dress is important, and symbolic, weather you believe in a full catholic mass or simply saying vows. it is important.
i am not ready yet. but, i am more ready than i have ever been before.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
more blizzard
shoveling is a bit discurging when you turn arroudn to find the drive another 1/2- 1" deeper already..
also not too bad out, granted you are not facing the wind.. then it feels like shards of glass hitting your face.
also not too bad out, granted you are not facing the wind.. then it feels like shards of glass hitting your face.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
malls
does it make it ok to take your dog into a crowded shopping mall, if you have it in a baby carrage w/ a mesh zip enclosing screend front?
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
the calm... no storm
how is it that spaghetti, electronic equipment and xmas lights qualify for an unbelievably perfect night?
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
groceries
holiday music playing through the store, periodically interupted by intercom announcemenats...
happiness is realizing that the 3 other people in the asile are singing along too.
happiness is realizing that the 3 other people in the asile are singing along too.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
in general
in life in general, its nice to have that person who you know will be there if you call. the person that calms you down... just their general presence lets you let go of everythign else in your life. for a few short hrs. you can be happy and be you and.... forget.
be good to your friends, we never really know how much we mean to someone.
be good to your friends, we never really know how much we mean to someone.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Monday, December 04, 2006
temper
so latley i have seriously pissed off. seriously. mainly for reasons that are not all the important, and thus only more pissed off.. be cause i'm mad at myself for being pissed off about admitidly stupid things.
i am in the process of moving. it has been suggested that i have a house warming party. i'm not fopund of partys. i feel like i have to enertaine people and they are having a horrible time. i dont have any vidio games, or board games.... or anything really. i spend my time out at work or soccer or what have you, or reading or on my computer- which thanks to this move i can start using my real computer again. and i need to instal a modem. thats right, i'm putting out for dial up. the other problem w/ house warmign is that whaere i am living is a house thats been split in 2. and the back/upstairs/basement is inhabited by a family and the adults are.. like.. 50... so. that would make it a "every one must be gone by 10:30 kind of party... if at that point it can really be called a party. so well see.
so as i said i have been pised of.. seriously... but some how, this morning i woke up happy, and invigorated aobut moving and aobut kitty shoping and aobut getting things done at work so they will be off my concience. it feels like a friday.. a friday where i want to sit and work my ass off to get things done. weird, i know.
apartmenting will be good for me. things are tense at home. nothing has changed, but we are dringing eachother up the wall. i dont want to have to come home every night because its the right thing to do. and i want to have people over and not be like.. well... my parents are here... because, i love our house and my parents arnt bad.. but sometimes its nice to not have them there.
this will be a good week. tonight: kitty shopping, tommorw: i dont know- moving i guess, wed: out and out, thursday birthday dinner, friday: out, saturday: moving[the final, riding, party, party.. uh.. etc., sunday gettign settled.......
i am sure i will be pissed off again by the time i leave work.. and for most of this week. but right now thigns are good, and deep down i know the change is for the better. i really dont have that much to be pissed aoubt, and i keep trying to tell myself that.
time to get to work.
i am in the process of moving. it has been suggested that i have a house warming party. i'm not fopund of partys. i feel like i have to enertaine people and they are having a horrible time. i dont have any vidio games, or board games.... or anything really. i spend my time out at work or soccer or what have you, or reading or on my computer- which thanks to this move i can start using my real computer again. and i need to instal a modem. thats right, i'm putting out for dial up. the other problem w/ house warmign is that whaere i am living is a house thats been split in 2. and the back/upstairs/basement is inhabited by a family and the adults are.. like.. 50... so. that would make it a "every one must be gone by 10:30 kind of party... if at that point it can really be called a party. so well see.
so as i said i have been pised of.. seriously... but some how, this morning i woke up happy, and invigorated aobut moving and aobut kitty shoping and aobut getting things done at work so they will be off my concience. it feels like a friday.. a friday where i want to sit and work my ass off to get things done. weird, i know.
apartmenting will be good for me. things are tense at home. nothing has changed, but we are dringing eachother up the wall. i dont want to have to come home every night because its the right thing to do. and i want to have people over and not be like.. well... my parents are here... because, i love our house and my parents arnt bad.. but sometimes its nice to not have them there.
this will be a good week. tonight: kitty shopping, tommorw: i dont know- moving i guess, wed: out and out, thursday birthday dinner, friday: out, saturday: moving[the final, riding, party, party.. uh.. etc., sunday gettign settled.......
i am sure i will be pissed off again by the time i leave work.. and for most of this week. but right now thigns are good, and deep down i know the change is for the better. i really dont have that much to be pissed aoubt, and i keep trying to tell myself that.
time to get to work.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
new
tonight i bought me an apt.
tommorw i get a pay check, a plane check, and a car check. go me.
time to start getting things ready to move.
i have decided that the only way to not be horribly depressed is to aquire my own xmas tree... and not my crappy little silver one. but a real one. i know charlie brown trees can be picked up for $15- $20. so i need to do that in the following weeks. as well as move.
tommorw i get a pay check, a plane check, and a car check. go me.
time to start getting things ready to move.
i have decided that the only way to not be horribly depressed is to aquire my own xmas tree... and not my crappy little silver one. but a real one. i know charlie brown trees can be picked up for $15- $20. so i need to do that in the following weeks. as well as move.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
GRRRRR
god damn. this is why i wanted to be out of my house BEFORE the holidays.
i'm almost out... so very close now... and as much as i want to be out, i want to waite till after xmas,. becuase... what i love most aobut the holidays is the tree and the lights.. and all of that... we always have a BEAUTIFUL tree... i spend hrs w/ the tree... and now im moving. before my birthday.. i'm going to miss the tree and everything. ill be someplace by my self. w/ a crappy little rickity tree i never really liked... and exactly where i dont want to be. depressed.. usualy it hit hard in januarary... i dont see december going well for me. i have mixed feeling oaubt moving anyway. my parents kep fucking yapping aobut everything theyre going to do to my room as soon as i move. and why do they fucking care. they are selling the house anyway. prolly before i can get up the funds to buy it. and no oi dont want to be hee forever. but i want the fucking house. and theyre not goingto stay here. i want it. so i feel like i cant make the carrear moves i might want to becuse i wont have home to come back to. silly ass me being attached to the only place iv ever really been happy.
and work is bad. and fucking car payments and now rent and such and the holidays and goddamn it i had to work ass late and t yet did practically nothing all day till the last 2 hrs where i satyed late. and then i didnt get to go for a walk and my joints HURT. i have to go for a walk..
GRRR.
i'm almost out... so very close now... and as much as i want to be out, i want to waite till after xmas,. becuase... what i love most aobut the holidays is the tree and the lights.. and all of that... we always have a BEAUTIFUL tree... i spend hrs w/ the tree... and now im moving. before my birthday.. i'm going to miss the tree and everything. ill be someplace by my self. w/ a crappy little rickity tree i never really liked... and exactly where i dont want to be. depressed.. usualy it hit hard in januarary... i dont see december going well for me. i have mixed feeling oaubt moving anyway. my parents kep fucking yapping aobut everything theyre going to do to my room as soon as i move. and why do they fucking care. they are selling the house anyway. prolly before i can get up the funds to buy it. and no oi dont want to be hee forever. but i want the fucking house. and theyre not goingto stay here. i want it. so i feel like i cant make the carrear moves i might want to becuse i wont have home to come back to. silly ass me being attached to the only place iv ever really been happy.
and work is bad. and fucking car payments and now rent and such and the holidays and goddamn it i had to work ass late and t yet did practically nothing all day till the last 2 hrs where i satyed late. and then i didnt get to go for a walk and my joints HURT. i have to go for a walk..
GRRR.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Friday, November 24, 2006
turkey day
first and for most HAPPY TURKEY DAY TO ALL AND TO ALL A GIANT BOTTLE OF ANTACIDS...
turkey day for my family consists of inviting everyone we know to come over and get a turkey fryed while we hilbillyit up in the drive way w/ the fryer, drinks and food.
it was a quiet yr. alot of our regulars were off to visite family out of state. but a good time none the less.
so i will indulge you all in a "GRANDMA" story.
phone conversation between my farther and garnma. *note that we have been frying turkeys for aobut 10 years now.
-grandma was going on and on aobut how we need to be sure to keep all small children, dogs cats and raccons that might knock it all over, away from the pot. *on and on*
- so my father finaly says "if any kids get to close, ill just splash some oil on their shoes."
-my grandmouther replies w/ "...well, not if their suade! that'll ruien them!"
um. sad to say we did not have to splash any suade shoes or racoons.
turkey day for my family consists of inviting everyone we know to come over and get a turkey fryed while we hilbillyit up in the drive way w/ the fryer, drinks and food.
it was a quiet yr. alot of our regulars were off to visite family out of state. but a good time none the less.
so i will indulge you all in a "GRANDMA" story.
phone conversation between my farther and garnma. *note that we have been frying turkeys for aobut 10 years now.
-grandma was going on and on aobut how we need to be sure to keep all small children, dogs cats and raccons that might knock it all over, away from the pot. *on and on*
- so my father finaly says "if any kids get to close, ill just splash some oil on their shoes."
-my grandmouther replies w/ "...well, not if their suade! that'll ruien them!"
um. sad to say we did not have to splash any suade shoes or racoons.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
mumblings
words wispered almost unaudibly. for me, you really dont have to wisper, i prolly will mis it anyway. but i heard enough to stop and question what was said.
was it intended to be heard.. or even said outloud?
i choose to respond w/ a smile. because if i heard right, i really dont quite know how to respond right now.
was it intended to be heard.. or even said outloud?
i choose to respond w/ a smile. because if i heard right, i really dont quite know how to respond right now.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
differntly cordinated
is it possible to move really fast and yet really slow - as well and side to side and diagional all at the same time?
outwardly a bit differnt.
different outcomes intended.
outcomes the could easly meld, despite obvious track direction.
somehow both are created on a simalar base idea that are found only after 10:30.
outwardly a bit differnt.
different outcomes intended.
outcomes the could easly meld, despite obvious track direction.
somehow both are created on a simalar base idea that are found only after 10:30.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
so... whats the deal?
so.. i ask this, whats the deal?
is there a reason people wont respond to emails? because it seams odd when the emails are aobut things that it seems a number of people would like to do, and then you hear back from no one.
is there a reason people wont respond to emails? because it seams odd when the emails are aobut things that it seems a number of people would like to do, and then you hear back from no one.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
anger
i dont like to be angry. i generaly avoide conflict and drama. mainly because i dont let go of things well.
latly... and this has been going on , on and off for quite some time, but latly, i dont see so much of a reason for it. really everything is pretty peachy.
well, other than the car thing, and the other car thing and the apt almost thing and the work thing and the birthday things, oh and the identity theft thing.
but i just find my self inexplainably mad. and im in the limbo of wanting to be arorund people untill i am, and then i want to be left alone.
and as a previous post says, i have been feeling like i am screwing everything up.
and then theres the inner fight aobut what i think i want and what i do want and everything that goes along w/ that. and the problem of tying to forsee too far down the road, despite recent events that have proven you really cant truley do that.
so im angrey, and its keeping me from sleeping, and its making me snap at people i dont intend to. and its not a good excuse, but its the one im giving. appoligies if i have snapped at you or blown you off latley.
latly... and this has been going on , on and off for quite some time, but latly, i dont see so much of a reason for it. really everything is pretty peachy.
well, other than the car thing, and the other car thing and the apt almost thing and the work thing and the birthday things, oh and the identity theft thing.
but i just find my self inexplainably mad. and im in the limbo of wanting to be arorund people untill i am, and then i want to be left alone.
and as a previous post says, i have been feeling like i am screwing everything up.
and then theres the inner fight aobut what i think i want and what i do want and everything that goes along w/ that. and the problem of tying to forsee too far down the road, despite recent events that have proven you really cant truley do that.
so im angrey, and its keeping me from sleeping, and its making me snap at people i dont intend to. and its not a good excuse, but its the one im giving. appoligies if i have snapped at you or blown you off latley.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
disapointment
ever feel like every move in life you make is the wrong one? i dont mean big things.. becuse those are obvious, and usually in hind sight, which means they were fine to begin w/, but not after a chain of events. more the small ones. the ones that seam to be pointed out constantly, by eaither your self or other people.
its easy to dismiss as, everyone makes mistakes. but some times it seams like everything is a mistake.
whats really bad is then i feel like things that cant be helped are in that catagory as well. all those things you mess up wheather you can help it or not. for example, i know i just used the wrng version of weather, but really have no idea what the right one is. should i learn to spell? yes. why havent i, well there are alot of excuses- but really, its because i am always trying to get more important things under controll, and spelling took a back burner.
i am trying. i give 110% to get things done right. but i just cant seem to. i blame some mistakes on people nagging me to death and making me twitch, so that i'm in such a fucking hurry that i cant take the extra 5 seconds to double check everything. but the rest is just me. i just cant help but screw things up, all the time. everything.
these things dont get better. soemtimes i just relax more- less pressure at work in genneral, or im in a different mood. and it dosnt bother me so much. but right now all i can think is, how am i supposed to grow up if i cant ever get anything right.
its easy to dismiss as, everyone makes mistakes. but some times it seams like everything is a mistake.
whats really bad is then i feel like things that cant be helped are in that catagory as well. all those things you mess up wheather you can help it or not. for example, i know i just used the wrng version of weather, but really have no idea what the right one is. should i learn to spell? yes. why havent i, well there are alot of excuses- but really, its because i am always trying to get more important things under controll, and spelling took a back burner.
i am trying. i give 110% to get things done right. but i just cant seem to. i blame some mistakes on people nagging me to death and making me twitch, so that i'm in such a fucking hurry that i cant take the extra 5 seconds to double check everything. but the rest is just me. i just cant help but screw things up, all the time. everything.
these things dont get better. soemtimes i just relax more- less pressure at work in genneral, or im in a different mood. and it dosnt bother me so much. but right now all i can think is, how am i supposed to grow up if i cant ever get anything right.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Monday, October 30, 2006
hum
so the snow squirrel is now a little 2 foot tall pyrimid.
i may get my car back later this week.
related news, i may stay in fro halloween as to avoid any more crazys.
think i decided on an apt. preperations are to be made.
i need to see if i have funds for both china and london...
it got cold tonight.
i hate comming out of work and having the sun going down.
my soccer game last night was dirty and poorly reffed. seriously i thought we were gonna fight.
i got invied to play friday nights.
we are having squash, cheeses on pasta tommorw.
everyone it seams has a birthday in november.
i dont know what to get any of those people.
i want a rase from work. and i'm talking at least $5k. greedy? maybe? anoyed that *I* am the one that actually does most of the work and i make the least. aware that this is how it often goes. yes.
tired of living at home. terrified of moving out.
orion is cleer in the sky right now. go look.
i am tired.
i am deaf.
i am frustrated.
i may get my car back later this week.
related news, i may stay in fro halloween as to avoid any more crazys.
think i decided on an apt. preperations are to be made.
i need to see if i have funds for both china and london...
it got cold tonight.
i hate comming out of work and having the sun going down.
my soccer game last night was dirty and poorly reffed. seriously i thought we were gonna fight.
i got invied to play friday nights.
we are having squash, cheeses on pasta tommorw.
everyone it seams has a birthday in november.
i dont know what to get any of those people.
i want a rase from work. and i'm talking at least $5k. greedy? maybe? anoyed that *I* am the one that actually does most of the work and i make the least. aware that this is how it often goes. yes.
tired of living at home. terrified of moving out.
orion is cleer in the sky right now. go look.
i am tired.
i am deaf.
i am frustrated.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
SNOW DAY!
got sent home early from work [read 9:15am] and decided to make the best of my snow day. here is my snow squirrel. and then we had lunch out. and then i naped on the couch in front of the fire watching a xmas movie. it was a good day.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
shoe
i like to walk arround my building at lunch time. - really i nedd 7 min to be out side and away from everyone.
months ago there appeared a shoe at the edge of the parking lot. thinking back, i now wish i had started taking pictures then. i didnt for 2 reasons. i thought that some one would be back for their shoes and that the shoe would take a long time to break down. both are false. week by week the shoe deteriates more and more. today i realized i sohuld have been documenting this.
net shoe that shows up, i will.
months ago there appeared a shoe at the edge of the parking lot. thinking back, i now wish i had started taking pictures then. i didnt for 2 reasons. i thought that some one would be back for their shoes and that the shoe would take a long time to break down. both are false. week by week the shoe deteriates more and more. today i realized i sohuld have been documenting this.
net shoe that shows up, i will.
Monday, October 23, 2006
wine
the thing aobut drinking wine from a tumbler is its easy to pour alot, and its easty to drink very quickly.
i'm on my second glass.
i'm on my second glass.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
life
friends and relationships come and go. the absence of some hurt us more than others. it hapens for many reasons, people grow appart, life structure changes and wedges are created. some times you know that the right thing for everyone is just to walk away. you do what you need to do to try to move on, and fill your life in other ways. its easy to think you are done, that there has been enough time- untill something happeneds, maybe innocent gossip- but it leaves you feeling upset- hurt, angry, and happyness for the other person all at the same time. and then you think: am i pushing my self to move on too quickly? how do i steap back?- because i thought things were happy, but when something else pulls you back to previous drama- are you really?
Saturday, October 21, 2006
omfg...
so, it snowed again last night. it was beautiful snow, large white flakes swirling.
well... Until i got side swiped [read: guy on my right decided to turn left when i was next to him- and did. i fish tailed, but fortunately no on coming traffic] and hit and runned.
i am ok. my happy little car that i have had back for exactly a week and a half, has a seriously dented passenger door.
how would ben put this- angry panda. angry angry panda.
well... Until i got side swiped [read: guy on my right decided to turn left when i was next to him- and did. i fish tailed, but fortunately no on coming traffic] and hit and runned.
i am ok. my happy little car that i have had back for exactly a week and a half, has a seriously dented passenger door.
how would ben put this- angry panda. angry angry panda.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
1st snow
snowhas fallen, pure and new.
it weighs down the boughs of the appricot tree which had not yet lost its leaves.
it sparkles un touched, blanketing the earth. protecting her from greater evils.
tomorrow there will be fox tracks.
usually a series of beautiful songs i generall associate w/ christmas time run through my head.- things like carrol of the bells, and so forth. but tonight it is differnt. tonight, i hear "kising you" by des' ree... this has long been a favorite of mine, w/out particular intentions, it is just simply a beautiful song that brings visions of evtroidinarly romantic things.
it is, as all nights are, a beautiful night.
it weighs down the boughs of the appricot tree which had not yet lost its leaves.
it sparkles un touched, blanketing the earth. protecting her from greater evils.
tomorrow there will be fox tracks.
usually a series of beautiful songs i generall associate w/ christmas time run through my head.- things like carrol of the bells, and so forth. but tonight it is differnt. tonight, i hear "kising you" by des' ree... this has long been a favorite of mine, w/out particular intentions, it is just simply a beautiful song that brings visions of evtroidinarly romantic things.
it is, as all nights are, a beautiful night.
its raining
it is more infact sleeting.
the tides came in and as nature prevails the tide always goes out as well.
the air is cold and crisp. leaves that had not yet decided it was autom, are suddenly being reminded that it is. the clouds are low and heavy. it is the perfect day for being bundled up and wandering arround outside.
it is also wonderfull driving weather, as the colors of the countryside are much more vibrant in the mist.
i think. i will decorate for halloween.
the tides came in and as nature prevails the tide always goes out as well.
the air is cold and crisp. leaves that had not yet decided it was autom, are suddenly being reminded that it is. the clouds are low and heavy. it is the perfect day for being bundled up and wandering arround outside.
it is also wonderfull driving weather, as the colors of the countryside are much more vibrant in the mist.
i think. i will decorate for halloween.
Monday, October 16, 2006
o the sickness
so i went to the dr. since it had been a week, and things were pretty much the same.
thinks its strep + broncitis, or strep + asthma
how ever i got some mad drugs, and the afternoon off work. do think i'll go in tommorw eaither.
thinks its strep + broncitis, or strep + asthma
how ever i got some mad drugs, and the afternoon off work. do think i'll go in tommorw eaither.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
heh
so tonight was the kind of night many guys would be estatic aobut.
tv: college football, world series playoffs, nascar
food: tatertots w/ cheese and salsa verde.
its a good time.
tv: college football, world series playoffs, nascar
food: tatertots w/ cheese and salsa verde.
its a good time.
this week
this week has not been particulalry spatacular. i have not said alot becacuse at sompoint whyning aobut work is just redundent. especially when i have gone through this or a simalar sinario before and will again in the future. in general it dosnt bother me this much. but there are more things going on this time.
monday:
drove back from nebraska. stoped in sterling at a plesently funny little coffe, that had leaky roof and a train going arround the top cove above the counter in the center of the restaront. i had a bad hot beef sandwhich. we talked to a kid, whos dad owns the place. he wants to go to johnson and wales for his resaront management degree.
tuesday:
was bad. our plaid program stoped working altogether, files are being moved and deleted left and right w/ no explination, and we have a new pallett. read previous post for my general reaction to that day. my joints hurt like nothing else [odd, i thought], and i got my car back all shiney.
wed: i am obviously now sick.. though i origionally believed it was just a left over cough from the asmath the day before. i froze to death at work in far to many cloths to be cold for any reason. read- feaver, but felt beter that evening and went to the movies.
thursday: going to the movies was proly a mistake. i didnt sleep well due to more feaver. woke up w/ a seriously painful cramp in my calf. [weird, but its happened before], got up that morning, and managed to make some tea before i almost hit the floor. managed to sit down for a while, then went back to bed. still feaver. still same bull shit at work. now we a waffling between palletts.
friday: didnt sleep well again. less feaver. worse cough. still waffeling on pallets. redoing some stud placement that i thought was correct the first time. [something we spent an entire day on and they thought i could fix in half an hr. right.] i get a software update on monday for all my crashing and etc problems. i think the IT guys hate me by now. decided it would be better to stay in. thought i at least felt well enough to recognise that it was in fact a beautiful warm october day, and well enough to be mad that i had spent it inside w/ some one asking me to do 3 hrs of work in 10 min. consistantly through the day.
that leaves us w/ saturday:
still didnt sleep well. feel llike shit, but not a feaever. seriously bad cough. going to punkin chunkin. really, prolly shouldent be. glad i didnt go out last night based on how i feel this morning. thoguh i learned that chicken soup really does make you feel better, and its a great breakfast food.
it is an amazingly beautiful october weekend. i am sorry to be sick, but maybe my dad will be up for a drive in the mountains. i also want some pumpkins. i love carving pumpkins. i have photos of some i have done. this weekend will be photo posting time. huzah!
i think there are alot of things swimming in my head, beyond it being a very bad week at work. but the sickness is supressing them.
monday:
drove back from nebraska. stoped in sterling at a plesently funny little coffe, that had leaky roof and a train going arround the top cove above the counter in the center of the restaront. i had a bad hot beef sandwhich. we talked to a kid, whos dad owns the place. he wants to go to johnson and wales for his resaront management degree.
tuesday:
was bad. our plaid program stoped working altogether, files are being moved and deleted left and right w/ no explination, and we have a new pallett. read previous post for my general reaction to that day. my joints hurt like nothing else [odd, i thought], and i got my car back all shiney.
wed: i am obviously now sick.. though i origionally believed it was just a left over cough from the asmath the day before. i froze to death at work in far to many cloths to be cold for any reason. read- feaver, but felt beter that evening and went to the movies.
thursday: going to the movies was proly a mistake. i didnt sleep well due to more feaver. woke up w/ a seriously painful cramp in my calf. [weird, but its happened before], got up that morning, and managed to make some tea before i almost hit the floor. managed to sit down for a while, then went back to bed. still feaver. still same bull shit at work. now we a waffling between palletts.
friday: didnt sleep well again. less feaver. worse cough. still waffeling on pallets. redoing some stud placement that i thought was correct the first time. [something we spent an entire day on and they thought i could fix in half an hr. right.] i get a software update on monday for all my crashing and etc problems. i think the IT guys hate me by now. decided it would be better to stay in. thought i at least felt well enough to recognise that it was in fact a beautiful warm october day, and well enough to be mad that i had spent it inside w/ some one asking me to do 3 hrs of work in 10 min. consistantly through the day.
that leaves us w/ saturday:
still didnt sleep well. feel llike shit, but not a feaever. seriously bad cough. going to punkin chunkin. really, prolly shouldent be. glad i didnt go out last night based on how i feel this morning. thoguh i learned that chicken soup really does make you feel better, and its a great breakfast food.
it is an amazingly beautiful october weekend. i am sorry to be sick, but maybe my dad will be up for a drive in the mountains. i also want some pumpkins. i love carving pumpkins. i have photos of some i have done. this weekend will be photo posting time. huzah!
i think there are alot of things swimming in my head, beyond it being a very bad week at work. but the sickness is supressing them.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
sickness
prolly a good sign of being sick is:
wearing soccer socks, slippers, sweat pants, a cupple shirts, a fleece robe and a heavy duty hoodie over it all- then deciding that it would be nice to be under a down blanket and have a nice hot cup of tea.
being sick is doing all this- being only kind of warm and not sweating. if only i could pull off this outfit at work.
wearing soccer socks, slippers, sweat pants, a cupple shirts, a fleece robe and a heavy duty hoodie over it all- then deciding that it would be nice to be under a down blanket and have a nice hot cup of tea.
being sick is doing all this- being only kind of warm and not sweating. if only i could pull off this outfit at work.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
livid.
so, the day did indeed go down hill from there.
i am livid.
livid to the point that my whole body hurts.
livid to the point that i have gone into asthma attack 3 times today, because m y chest is so tight. i cant stop coughing and coughing makes me cry which makes me breath even less.
i have not been this mad in years.
on the plus side, i got my car back. it looks beautiful and i actually have a badge now! those of you that know my car, know that it never had any sign of ever having a badge. it is shiny, it is happy.
i am livid.
livid to the point that my whole body hurts.
livid to the point that i have gone into asthma attack 3 times today, because m y chest is so tight. i cant stop coughing and coughing makes me cry which makes me breath even less.
i have not been this mad in years.
on the plus side, i got my car back. it looks beautiful and i actually have a badge now! those of you that know my car, know that it never had any sign of ever having a badge. it is shiny, it is happy.
mmyeah
to day is already shaping up to be the kind of day where you are in tears by 9am. it keeps going down hill from there.
Monday, October 09, 2006
the american dream
so. it really was a good thing to go to the mid west. thee was alot that i love that i had forgotten. i babbled some of it out in bad writting skilz goo. so i post it here. please dont puke on your keyboard. that would be icky.
but really what i was trying to say was, that it was just unexpressidly beautifull.
The American dream
Driving across the plains of eastern Colorado the sun sets, the clouds change colors and the light reflects off the dying grasses of summer.
The moon rises giant and orange over the rolling hills, up into the clouds.
As the sky darkens the rural mid west appears. Every few miles another city glows, a beacon of light in the vast darkness. Each radiating the promise of the American Dream.
Edward Hopper, Nighhawks 1942
there is something truly magical about the mid-west. Drive in movies, pick up trucks, diners, small town quality. I’m not saying everything is good here. A lot is not. That is true w/ any era. It is easy to see the good side of the 40s and 50s- but there was so much else there. But the mid west is full of small time businesses, family values and people living off the land. In everything there is promise of supporting a family, owning a home and being successful in whatever venture you choose.There is great romance of the mid-west.
__________________________________ _____________ _______________________________
The wind blows warm from the south. The air here is fresh and sweet smelling. Its corn picking season. The smell of the air alone is reason enough for this trip.
________________ ____________________________ ___________________________________
Driving along the country highways on a rainy afternoon, the colors of fall radiate in the dampness. One is reminded of the wonders of country living.
but really what i was trying to say was, that it was just unexpressidly beautifull.
The American dream
Driving across the plains of eastern Colorado the sun sets, the clouds change colors and the light reflects off the dying grasses of summer.
The moon rises giant and orange over the rolling hills, up into the clouds.
As the sky darkens the rural mid west appears. Every few miles another city glows, a beacon of light in the vast darkness. Each radiating the promise of the American Dream.
Edward Hopper, Nighhawks 1942
there is something truly magical about the mid-west. Drive in movies, pick up trucks, diners, small town quality. I’m not saying everything is good here. A lot is not. That is true w/ any era. It is easy to see the good side of the 40s and 50s- but there was so much else there. But the mid west is full of small time businesses, family values and people living off the land. In everything there is promise of supporting a family, owning a home and being successful in whatever venture you choose.There is great romance of the mid-west.
__________________________________ _____________ _______________________________
The wind blows warm from the south. The air here is fresh and sweet smelling. Its corn picking season. The smell of the air alone is reason enough for this trip.
________________ ____________________________ ___________________________________
Driving along the country highways on a rainy afternoon, the colors of fall radiate in the dampness. One is reminded of the wonders of country living.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
mid west
i head to the mid west this weekend.
normaly i would be estatic for a road trip.
not this weekend tohugh. missing a day of work- i have alot going on.
and i was excited aobut 3 months ago. not anymore though.
saturday is being spent *all freaking day* at a highschool band compitition.
sunday at a family reunion, at which i dont know anyone, will be the only person between 10 and 40- and i already know i'm related to everyone.
i plan to count the # of dishes made w/ jello, or mayonase- OR BOTH!
and apparently my aunt has a peacock, and the peacock had babbies... and i dont know, but i'm pretty sure peacock babbies are ugly. we'll see if i can get photos.
speaking of photos- i am taking a photo a day, i just havent had a connection good enough to post them yet.
normaly i would be estatic for a road trip.
not this weekend tohugh. missing a day of work- i have alot going on.
and i was excited aobut 3 months ago. not anymore though.
saturday is being spent *all freaking day* at a highschool band compitition.
sunday at a family reunion, at which i dont know anyone, will be the only person between 10 and 40- and i already know i'm related to everyone.
i plan to count the # of dishes made w/ jello, or mayonase- OR BOTH!
and apparently my aunt has a peacock, and the peacock had babbies... and i dont know, but i'm pretty sure peacock babbies are ugly. we'll see if i can get photos.
speaking of photos- i am taking a photo a day, i just havent had a connection good enough to post them yet.
fedeal
driving down federal.
there was a bus.
infront of the bus was a cop car.
next to the cop car was a guy on his knees w/ a back pack and his hands in the air.
next to the guy on his knees w/ the back pack and his hands in the air was acop w/ his gun pointed at the heand of the guy on his knees w/ his hands in the air.
there was a bus.
infront of the bus was a cop car.
next to the cop car was a guy on his knees w/ a back pack and his hands in the air.
next to the guy on his knees w/ the back pack and his hands in the air was acop w/ his gun pointed at the heand of the guy on his knees w/ his hands in the air.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
water
there is a path in my yard- between the lawn and the grape arbor.
all the leaves have suddnly droped form the trees.
swirrling on the ground the wind picks up a few at a time.
the rest flow across the ground in a swirling tide of crimsion and yellow.
they crunch loudly under my bare feet.
mid was through i stop and look back across the yard. fall is setting in, in the most wonderful way possible.
Monday, October 02, 2006
365 self portraites
i read something recently that stated the idea of taking a picture of yourself every day for a year. really i think this would be a great coffee table book.
and then i thought: i can do this
and then i though: isnt it so..so... conceited to indulge in taking a photo of your self everyday, and then assume that people would want to look at you every day for a year?
i realize people usualy to this sort of project on some sort of photo sharing/viewing site, but i really dont what to redgester to anymore sites, so i figured i would do it here.
so i ask all 4 or 5 poeple that actually read this: should i partake on this project?
and then i thought: i can do this
and then i though: isnt it so..so... conceited to indulge in taking a photo of your self everyday, and then assume that people would want to look at you every day for a year?
i realize people usualy to this sort of project on some sort of photo sharing/viewing site, but i really dont what to redgester to anymore sites, so i figured i would do it here.
so i ask all 4 or 5 poeple that actually read this: should i partake on this project?
soccer
I'M HEALED!
i have been out for a few weeks on a quad injury.. and was in general not doing well.
so i was very very happy to play 3 games last night. now i am much calmer aobut alot of things, which is good, because i have been harvesting alot of unsensible, non defineable anger- and running arround and knocking people down, really helps w/ that.
i have been out for a few weeks on a quad injury.. and was in general not doing well.
so i was very very happy to play 3 games last night. now i am much calmer aobut alot of things, which is good, because i have been harvesting alot of unsensible, non defineable anger- and running arround and knocking people down, really helps w/ that.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
its intresting how you can look back on something and most offten will remember one thing specifically.
usually i can remember eaither, actions but not conversations- maybe one phraise, but the rest.. i know something was there.. but i remember everything else instead... or i remember a conversation in full but not what was going on or anything from arround the conversation.
usually i can remember eaither, actions but not conversations- maybe one phraise, but the rest.. i know something was there.. but i remember everything else instead... or i remember a conversation in full but not what was going on or anything from arround the conversation.
DAM- thats mono chromatic
it is intresting how some thigns in life can take you totally by supprise- weather you had ever thought aoubt them or not, or even anticipated their happenings- they still take you, totally, compleatly unawribly by supprise.
on further note- the nwe DAM addition, was supprisingly uncrowded last night for its member preview opening. a little to monochromaitic and overly simplistic on its interior design, i have to say my favorite part was the stair well. the stairwell circles upward through the middle of the addition- very angular- w/ an instalation of LED changing number lights, in the center of round mirros the size of smallish dinner plates- that are set into the walls all the way up.
though there was even more negitive space than i had anticipated... i am glad i wasnt the drywaller.
on further note- the nwe DAM addition, was supprisingly uncrowded last night for its member preview opening. a little to monochromaitic and overly simplistic on its interior design, i have to say my favorite part was the stair well. the stairwell circles upward through the middle of the addition- very angular- w/ an instalation of LED changing number lights, in the center of round mirros the size of smallish dinner plates- that are set into the walls all the way up.
though there was even more negitive space than i had anticipated... i am glad i wasnt the drywaller.
Monday, September 25, 2006
songs
when i listen to music i haer it 2 ways..
1- as a sound, the tune, and that conjurs moods and colors and soforth.
2- when you know the words, then you can hear the words. its intresting. they ar suddenly distinguishable.
for exampl i have been listining to BNL latly. and the song "when i fall" has been stuck in my head.. and when i first started listining to it, i tohught, "this would be a grat song to dance to"... but then i started looking at the words.. and it was a differnt song than i had anticipated. now when i hear it, i still think about dancing. but i have a mental fight over wearther this is the right image for the song to convey to me.
as it stands... i'm sticking w/ the first. its so hard for me to distinguish more than a few words... i can keep the origional feeling w/ it.
1- as a sound, the tune, and that conjurs moods and colors and soforth.
2- when you know the words, then you can hear the words. its intresting. they ar suddenly distinguishable.
for exampl i have been listining to BNL latly. and the song "when i fall" has been stuck in my head.. and when i first started listining to it, i tohught, "this would be a grat song to dance to"... but then i started looking at the words.. and it was a differnt song than i had anticipated. now when i hear it, i still think about dancing. but i have a mental fight over wearther this is the right image for the song to convey to me.
as it stands... i'm sticking w/ the first. its so hard for me to distinguish more than a few words... i can keep the origional feeling w/ it.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
why must i title things? i hate titling things.
sigh.
i hate comming up w/ title.s at school i always just to call what ever i had written, for every class "paper"
intrestlingly enough i like to name things. everything... cars, plants uh.. i dontknow.. pretty much everything else. but not written things. maybe because they are supposed to be whitty, or something, andi'm pretty sure i rarly say anything whitty. where as other random objects do not need whitty titles. good storys aoubt the naming maybe, but thats all.
it is so very hard to want thnings very much, but to also know that once you have what you think you want, you would most likly have an upsetting reaction.
i hate comming up w/ title.s at school i always just to call what ever i had written, for every class "paper"
intrestlingly enough i like to name things. everything... cars, plants uh.. i dontknow.. pretty much everything else. but not written things. maybe because they are supposed to be whitty, or something, andi'm pretty sure i rarly say anything whitty. where as other random objects do not need whitty titles. good storys aoubt the naming maybe, but thats all.
it is so very hard to want thnings very much, but to also know that once you have what you think you want, you would most likly have an upsetting reaction.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
Sunday, September 17, 2006
romantic comidies aka chick flicks
aka wishfull thinking.
i believe the reason women like romantic comidies and other such ciniema productions- is because, in a romantic comedy everything goes right in the end, and the girl finds that one special person that is not only perfect for her- but who loves her deeply.
all women cling to the hope that at some point in their lives this exact same thing will hapen for them. they will met a person that they click w/ on numerious levels, but who chalenges them to be more and be better. that compleating person who loves them for everthing that they are.
the reason men should agree to watch romantic comidies is because you can learn from this screen character some basic goods and bads. now i'm sure the reson alot of men avoide these movies is because they believe that they will have to be evverything that this character is and that they will never live up to this ideal. its hard to say what exactly they should be picking out of the movie that will make there girl happy. and thats an entirely differnt discuassion. alot of times she wil be happy that you wanted to see it w/ her at all.
its intresting. i enjoy having my picture takn, but never like how i look in photos. all girls want to be pretty. maybe not sexy [well that too, but on a differnt level], but they all want to be pretty. society tells us that we have to be just so to be pretty. i often am very happy w/ how i lok in the mirror. but once i leave the house i louse all confidence. some times i think i am pretty. but usually i just think i am average. not ugly but not "pretty" not in a stand out way. though intrestlying enough i find that when i do see the girls who fit the magazeen "pretty" on the street, i am un intrested and wonder what it is aobut them that makes them so special. i see so many other women who dont fit the standards, and who i think prolly think the same things about their selves that i think aobut me- but i find them absoutly beautiful and intresting.
but i ask this. in movies, people meet inline at the target and then bump into each other agin at the coffee shope and then they have a date and everything is wonderfull. how does this work in real life? i saw this hot guy buying alieve at the target tonight. in movie land he would have asked why i was buying an ace bandage, and then we would have had a sports/ injuries conversation. and be meting after work in a few days. in real life?: be found alieve, and then wandered off.
i dont know why i bring this up. im not looking. ithink even if the oppertunity came up, i'm really not ready to move on... at least not in that direction. for now i am trying to fill some emptyness. in emptnes there is lust. but even that is fleeting. fleeting and ill wanted.
i believe the reason women like romantic comidies and other such ciniema productions- is because, in a romantic comedy everything goes right in the end, and the girl finds that one special person that is not only perfect for her- but who loves her deeply.
all women cling to the hope that at some point in their lives this exact same thing will hapen for them. they will met a person that they click w/ on numerious levels, but who chalenges them to be more and be better. that compleating person who loves them for everthing that they are.
the reason men should agree to watch romantic comidies is because you can learn from this screen character some basic goods and bads. now i'm sure the reson alot of men avoide these movies is because they believe that they will have to be evverything that this character is and that they will never live up to this ideal. its hard to say what exactly they should be picking out of the movie that will make there girl happy. and thats an entirely differnt discuassion. alot of times she wil be happy that you wanted to see it w/ her at all.
its intresting. i enjoy having my picture takn, but never like how i look in photos. all girls want to be pretty. maybe not sexy [well that too, but on a differnt level], but they all want to be pretty. society tells us that we have to be just so to be pretty. i often am very happy w/ how i lok in the mirror. but once i leave the house i louse all confidence. some times i think i am pretty. but usually i just think i am average. not ugly but not "pretty" not in a stand out way. though intrestlying enough i find that when i do see the girls who fit the magazeen "pretty" on the street, i am un intrested and wonder what it is aobut them that makes them so special. i see so many other women who dont fit the standards, and who i think prolly think the same things about their selves that i think aobut me- but i find them absoutly beautiful and intresting.
but i ask this. in movies, people meet inline at the target and then bump into each other agin at the coffee shope and then they have a date and everything is wonderfull. how does this work in real life? i saw this hot guy buying alieve at the target tonight. in movie land he would have asked why i was buying an ace bandage, and then we would have had a sports/ injuries conversation. and be meting after work in a few days. in real life?: be found alieve, and then wandered off.
i dont know why i bring this up. im not looking. ithink even if the oppertunity came up, i'm really not ready to move on... at least not in that direction. for now i am trying to fill some emptyness. in emptnes there is lust. but even that is fleeting. fleeting and ill wanted.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
jacket
those that know me, know i have a vintage jacket collection.
my most recent addition is a vintage Lloys of denver Persian Lamb, trimmed in something [mink?.. or something]
this jacket is worth at least $200 i would guess more like $400 in a quality vintage store. i picked it up for $35
i have wanted one of these for a long time. and recently looked at one for $350. yeah.
car accident
tim and i were in a car accident last night. were fine.
the short of the story is, a girl decided to turn right from the middle lane in front of us- we were in the right lane.
did more damage to my car than hers. i will be looking into getting it all repaired. o boy.
the cop was a jeark. but we learned that- in denver, if you are in an accident, and there are no whitnesses, and both parties tell a differnt story. then they dont write anyone a ticket.
yeah.
the short of the story is, a girl decided to turn right from the middle lane in front of us- we were in the right lane.
did more damage to my car than hers. i will be looking into getting it all repaired. o boy.
the cop was a jeark. but we learned that- in denver, if you are in an accident, and there are no whitnesses, and both parties tell a differnt story. then they dont write anyone a ticket.
yeah.
Friday, September 15, 2006
church
i drove past this church sign today that read:
free mp3 bibles! come inside for yours today
wow.
free mp3 bibles! come inside for yours today
wow.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
quanderies
so some things have changed in that last few days and some things have not.
one oppertunity opened up- but in a closing sort of way. and agin i find myself in a simalr position as i have before. when the chance to make a change comes up, no matter how much i want to make that change, i want to not make it even more.
i am terrified of this change. and that bad things it may come. i have a tendency to become very attached to things, so moving away from them, even if i am un happy and even if it means growing up, i most likly will push against it.
part of me knows its time to take that final step in growing up. and alot more of me wnats to hang on to alot of wonderfull things that i feel i am sure to louse in the process. in the past some of this was easyer because i had a stable body to leand on and rely on. but now, i really dont. that stable body is much more spradic, and i dont ever seem to have it the amount of time i would like to.
making this change means growing up, which i'm ready to do. but i also see myself spiriling nastly into depression. which i really dont feel like doing- given the choice.
how does one over come this and many other fears. so many other people seam to move through this part of their life more seamlessly. and rather enjoy it. i think i would too if i felt like ther was some one to share it with. i have never liked being alone. maybe its because i am an only child, i strive for that contenious attention and person to spend time w/. also because ihave gone through periods where i did actually have friends, and all in the general vacinity, and i liked it. i dont need alot. just one or two people.
how does one find strength in their self?
one oppertunity opened up- but in a closing sort of way. and agin i find myself in a simalr position as i have before. when the chance to make a change comes up, no matter how much i want to make that change, i want to not make it even more.
i am terrified of this change. and that bad things it may come. i have a tendency to become very attached to things, so moving away from them, even if i am un happy and even if it means growing up, i most likly will push against it.
part of me knows its time to take that final step in growing up. and alot more of me wnats to hang on to alot of wonderfull things that i feel i am sure to louse in the process. in the past some of this was easyer because i had a stable body to leand on and rely on. but now, i really dont. that stable body is much more spradic, and i dont ever seem to have it the amount of time i would like to.
making this change means growing up, which i'm ready to do. but i also see myself spiriling nastly into depression. which i really dont feel like doing- given the choice.
how does one over come this and many other fears. so many other people seam to move through this part of their life more seamlessly. and rather enjoy it. i think i would too if i felt like ther was some one to share it with. i have never liked being alone. maybe its because i am an only child, i strive for that contenious attention and person to spend time w/. also because ihave gone through periods where i did actually have friends, and all in the general vacinity, and i liked it. i dont need alot. just one or two people.
how does one find strength in their self?
Saturday, September 09, 2006
some pics
these are old. but really i look the same.
one is a painting i did in highschool.
and the other is just a good pic of me. i realized that i never posted one before.
and the other is my vespa. so now. there you go.
lileks.com
lileks.com you should check it out. a favorite site of mine for quite some time. i suggest starting in "regretible food" and moving on to ... well, on to everything else in the site. if you have been there before but not sor a while, there are some new things.
i very much like the 40s, 50s and 60s... for various reasons. some of it was the overall plasticity of it- the american dream and everything being peachy keen- and yet the dark underlayering of family dynamics and everything else that was going on in a country that was hurling forward through more movements than it wanted but needed to. so movies to see: october sky, mona lisa smile, godsford park [set in the 30s, but faboulous cloths and all around beautiful film.], the hours, far from heaven. i am sure there are many others, but these are the ones that come to mind right now.
i tryed to find the CD by Eagle Eye Cherry last night... and could not. there was a song that came out our freshman yr. of highschool, that i really liked, but never had. i heard it again the other day and thought "i havent bought a CD in 5 or 6 years, maybe i should buy a new one." i am also lokoing for the LP from The Descendents that came out a few years ago- they had a song that, i'm not sure what the actual title is but something to the something close to "all i want to do is do nothing with you" it was our song in both a good and bad way.
tonight. i want to do nothing but be w/ you.
i dont think i'v ever really had a "song" w/ anyone i dated, but that was as close as it ever got.
maybe its a girl thing but i always wished that [well the guy you are dating, or wish to date, or something] would say "this song makes me think of you" or something to that extent. i told him once that Jack Johnsons Banana Pancakes made me think of him.. he hadent heard it so i played it for him. he was offinded and mad and al he said was "i hate acustic guitar. you know that" honestly i had forgoten that, or as least didnt think he hated it that much. and really it had nothing to do w/ the fucking acustic guitar, it was what the song was aobut. but as usual. i tryed to explain it and he thought it was stupid. silly me and my stupid ideas.
anyway... were going to just back away from that rant. but a song i think is horribly [romantic] (god i hate that word, just makes me cringe, but i use it for lack of a better one.) is BNLs If I Had A Million $$. really, its very sweet.
i re wrote some of it the othernight for my self.. i replaced the monkey w/ a vespa, and the green dress w/ a red side car, becase i really would like a green dress, but not a real red side car- that'd be cruel. i kept the tree house. and went for a house in the country. replaced kraft dinner w/ a washer and dryer- now we just wash more! and i tryed to replace "picasso or a garfunkle" with ""a Higgins or a Remington" but it didnt work so well.
when i origionaly started looking at colleges i wanted to be an illustrator, do childrens books. i am now thinking that if i were to go back for a masters it would be for Illustration. i would, one day like to say that i had some drawsings published in a story. currently i find jow in seeing prints that i have made and screen prints appearing on cloths that willl be in stores with in a year. i will try to have 1 of everything.. at least some of the more impresive things, fo a kind of port folio. and its is very exciting to see things you have done in mas production.
the pashion fruit slerpie is great, so run out and get one. but be carefull they try to excape.
i very much like the 40s, 50s and 60s... for various reasons. some of it was the overall plasticity of it- the american dream and everything being peachy keen- and yet the dark underlayering of family dynamics and everything else that was going on in a country that was hurling forward through more movements than it wanted but needed to. so movies to see: october sky, mona lisa smile, godsford park [set in the 30s, but faboulous cloths and all around beautiful film.], the hours, far from heaven. i am sure there are many others, but these are the ones that come to mind right now.
i tryed to find the CD by Eagle Eye Cherry last night... and could not. there was a song that came out our freshman yr. of highschool, that i really liked, but never had. i heard it again the other day and thought "i havent bought a CD in 5 or 6 years, maybe i should buy a new one." i am also lokoing for the LP from The Descendents that came out a few years ago- they had a song that, i'm not sure what the actual title is but something to the something close to "all i want to do is do nothing with you" it was our song in both a good and bad way.
tonight. i want to do nothing but be w/ you.
i dont think i'v ever really had a "song" w/ anyone i dated, but that was as close as it ever got.
maybe its a girl thing but i always wished that [well the guy you are dating, or wish to date, or something] would say "this song makes me think of you" or something to that extent. i told him once that Jack Johnsons Banana Pancakes made me think of him.. he hadent heard it so i played it for him. he was offinded and mad and al he said was "i hate acustic guitar. you know that" honestly i had forgoten that, or as least didnt think he hated it that much. and really it had nothing to do w/ the fucking acustic guitar, it was what the song was aobut. but as usual. i tryed to explain it and he thought it was stupid. silly me and my stupid ideas.
anyway... were going to just back away from that rant. but a song i think is horribly [romantic] (god i hate that word, just makes me cringe, but i use it for lack of a better one.) is BNLs If I Had A Million $$. really, its very sweet.
i re wrote some of it the othernight for my self.. i replaced the monkey w/ a vespa, and the green dress w/ a red side car, becase i really would like a green dress, but not a real red side car- that'd be cruel. i kept the tree house. and went for a house in the country. replaced kraft dinner w/ a washer and dryer- now we just wash more! and i tryed to replace "picasso or a garfunkle" with ""a Higgins or a Remington" but it didnt work so well.
when i origionaly started looking at colleges i wanted to be an illustrator, do childrens books. i am now thinking that if i were to go back for a masters it would be for Illustration. i would, one day like to say that i had some drawsings published in a story. currently i find jow in seeing prints that i have made and screen prints appearing on cloths that willl be in stores with in a year. i will try to have 1 of everything.. at least some of the more impresive things, fo a kind of port folio. and its is very exciting to see things you have done in mas production.
the pashion fruit slerpie is great, so run out and get one. but be carefull they try to excape.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
moon
did you see that moon last night????
it was pink! and then later it was sherbit orange! and then this mornign i was ridign to work during sun up and it was covered enough by clouds that it was brihgt neon orangie red, w/ pink clouds surrounding it. very amazing.
we saw spaceballs on the jumbo screen last night. bout the same price as bowling. it was good shit.
it was pink! and then later it was sherbit orange! and then this mornign i was ridign to work during sun up and it was covered enough by clouds that it was brihgt neon orangie red, w/ pink clouds surrounding it. very amazing.
we saw spaceballs on the jumbo screen last night. bout the same price as bowling. it was good shit.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
beer
in honer of Ben i took photos of my beer tonight. mainly because i can never remamber what it is i'v had to drink, and also because there are a few of you who are wildly excited aobut beer.
this was the first one: which is for some reason on top of the post, but o well.... you are supposed to be able to see that is says: Out of Bounds Stout by Avery. i took a few sips in the bottle, thought it wasnt bad. so i poured it for a photo op. man.. very bitter, did not like it in a glass.
so i swaped my dad for the ever favorite: wood chuck dark and dry.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
driving
i took broadway all the way through boulder tonight- from the far north end. its an intresting phomonon. larger properties that look like cut down farms and houses... could be anywhere, then al of a sunden BAM. aobut 3 block from Pearl St. your hit w/ serious Boulderness.
driving down 93 tonight as dusk fell across the mountains i could see the grass blowing in waves accorss the rolling his untill they meet the foothills, on the other side, glimpses through the flat irons of the lights of the metro area sprawll.
driving down 93 tonight as dusk fell across the mountains i could see the grass blowing in waves accorss the rolling his untill they meet the foothills, on the other side, glimpses through the flat irons of the lights of the metro area sprawll.
Monday, September 04, 2006
lost?
i seam to have lost my intrest in... well everything.
i used othave creative ideas running out my ears, but now not so much. [i think i may have wrotten some of this bfor, but owell] i am half way through 3 boks w/ no intrest in finishing any of them. the first one is Wicked. i made it aobut half way and just cannot seam to pick the book up again. its just...bad. compleatly un intresting un compleing, nothing so far makes me want to find out what happends. the second is called.... something.. written in the 40s i think aobut a man who leaves france w/ his family to move back to the ozarks to the family farm and make a liveon the land- The Good Earth, i tink its called... i'm about a quater of the way in. usually this is a book i would enjoy, very much. bt i cannt seem to get into it. the third is The Book Of Color. this is an amazlingly facinating book, where every chapter is aobut a differnt color and how it originated and what it has symbolized and been used for through out history. i'v read a few colors and cant seam to pick it up again.
i have also lost anythoungs of sewing, or creating, painting... etc. i just. i dont know. my mind is consumed w/ dread of my parents selling the house out from under me... of worrying aobut that and feeling like i cant move on w/ my own lifes goals because i'm so afradide to louse the house. consumed w/ thoughts of traveling.... thinking aobut days that used to be. days i wish that were again. i so very much miss sitting in biology on a warm fall day, w. the sulight streaming in. and dont think that i am oblivious to these moments when they are there. i often look arroundand think: this is perfict. this is something to keep coming back to.
i have a job... i'm making $. i have a few friends and things really should be ok. but they are not. i just feel... lost. kind of floating. wanting to move out, but knowing that i will fell horribly depressed being even more alone. most good friends are not close by... no boy to watch bad movies w/ among other things.
i started drwing again.. but when i try to think of things my mind goes blank. i see colors... things that i could never put into words or on paper... i think we call them feeling. things i want to share w/ some one else. but you cant. and even when they are there for them it never feels the same as when you are alone and wish some one was there to feel the moment w/ you.
my friend danced w/ his girlfriend last night at the concert we were at. i was very rpoud of him, because he is not so much the type to dance in public, but she wanted to, so he did, and he looked like he was having a good time. maybe because it was easy dance music, and maybe because everyone arround us was dancing as well. but alot of people still would not. but he did. and i was proud of him.
i dont know where i swas going w/ any of this, this so very much of nothing, nothing sent out into the void.
so i ask, deep void- help me find myself again. i miss me. i dont know if anyone else does. but i sure do.
i used othave creative ideas running out my ears, but now not so much. [i think i may have wrotten some of this bfor, but owell] i am half way through 3 boks w/ no intrest in finishing any of them. the first one is Wicked. i made it aobut half way and just cannot seam to pick the book up again. its just...bad. compleatly un intresting un compleing, nothing so far makes me want to find out what happends. the second is called.... something.. written in the 40s i think aobut a man who leaves france w/ his family to move back to the ozarks to the family farm and make a liveon the land- The Good Earth, i tink its called... i'm about a quater of the way in. usually this is a book i would enjoy, very much. bt i cannt seem to get into it. the third is The Book Of Color. this is an amazlingly facinating book, where every chapter is aobut a differnt color and how it originated and what it has symbolized and been used for through out history. i'v read a few colors and cant seam to pick it up again.
i have also lost anythoungs of sewing, or creating, painting... etc. i just. i dont know. my mind is consumed w/ dread of my parents selling the house out from under me... of worrying aobut that and feeling like i cant move on w/ my own lifes goals because i'm so afradide to louse the house. consumed w/ thoughts of traveling.... thinking aobut days that used to be. days i wish that were again. i so very much miss sitting in biology on a warm fall day, w. the sulight streaming in. and dont think that i am oblivious to these moments when they are there. i often look arroundand think: this is perfict. this is something to keep coming back to.
i have a job... i'm making $. i have a few friends and things really should be ok. but they are not. i just feel... lost. kind of floating. wanting to move out, but knowing that i will fell horribly depressed being even more alone. most good friends are not close by... no boy to watch bad movies w/ among other things.
i started drwing again.. but when i try to think of things my mind goes blank. i see colors... things that i could never put into words or on paper... i think we call them feeling. things i want to share w/ some one else. but you cant. and even when they are there for them it never feels the same as when you are alone and wish some one was there to feel the moment w/ you.
my friend danced w/ his girlfriend last night at the concert we were at. i was very rpoud of him, because he is not so much the type to dance in public, but she wanted to, so he did, and he looked like he was having a good time. maybe because it was easy dance music, and maybe because everyone arround us was dancing as well. but alot of people still would not. but he did. and i was proud of him.
i dont know where i swas going w/ any of this, this so very much of nothing, nothing sent out into the void.
so i ask, deep void- help me find myself again. i miss me. i dont know if anyone else does. but i sure do.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
food fair and live music.
went to taste of colorado tonight. had alagator... though i dont really know if it was or not. they were not actually wrastling the alagators in the back of the booth.
we saw big bad voodoo daddies live and in action. very fun, also saw Kelsey, but not katie though he said she was there. sadly he is not quite as enertaing as BBVD. o well alot ot live up to i guess.
so many things to say. and no words to saw them in. possibly this is why i am not much of a writer. i think aobut things in pictures, but have a hard time translating them into words.
we saw big bad voodoo daddies live and in action. very fun, also saw Kelsey, but not katie though he said she was there. sadly he is not quite as enertaing as BBVD. o well alot ot live up to i guess.
so many things to say. and no words to saw them in. possibly this is why i am not much of a writer. i think aobut things in pictures, but have a hard time translating them into words.
Friday, September 01, 2006
weather
the weather is absoutly perfect this evening. coldish, drizzlie, slight breeze. absoutly perfect for walking through a greater portion of downtown to night.
very happy. wonderfull night. just what i'v been needing.
very happy. wonderfull night. just what i'v been needing.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
lonelyness
i'm feeling very lonley tonight. very alone.
some of it is the beggining of the new school season, and everyone has dispersed. i very much miss the dynamics of highschool social atmosphear. i thought college was going to be something really great. but found it to feel alienating. the few times i met peopel in some of my classes that it seamed like i could be friends w/ they were in compleatly differnt majors and i never saw them again. the advice i always get is to put your self out ther, invite them to grab lunch w/ you or something. now iv tryed this, and have always been turned down and then the person avoiding my for quite a while, so obviously i'm doing something worng.
i love school.. i love sitting in class just listening. i really do enjoy it. from time to time i toss arround the idea of a masters in Illustration or technical design which would open up alot of doors in other fields- such as sporting equipment, shoes, furniture etc.
i want to say there is a fashion school East London University of something or other...
i think lonleyness is also derived from my thoughts of moving. i love being at home and am terrified to move on w/ my life because my parents are threatining to sell the house in the next 5 years so they can build something else. now there is not alot for me in denver carrear wise, and i dont see myself staying at Miller forever, and really i shouldent anyway. so i am terrified to do my own thing for fear that home will be yanked out from under me. prolly i fear this because it is the only place i have been truley happy, and so i want my parents to stay here, so that it will be here for me. but they want to build something new.
i thought that maybe i wold be moving somewhere w/ amy so i would not be on my own. alone. but unless we get this one particular house, that will not be. and i will be on my own, because i do not know anyone else that i would live w/ that i could live w/.
i am also very much missing my boy. and i know i miss what i want him to be, and the good times. but really not missing who he was most recently. besides, he was tired of me and tired of us and that really was what ran it all down. he didnt want me anymore, and i wanted him too badly. and so now i very much miss having that person that i call day or night simply just to say hi because i want to say hi, because i need to say hi. that person who watches bad movies w/ me a nd goes to target at 11 pm. that single person that i am not so much afraide to be myself arround.
and to top it all of, it was a bad day at work. so when i get like this i start doubting everything. i really am not a good artist. i feel no creativity that once was comming out of my ears. i am terrified to be alone for various reason. some of which i always end up mayking a fool of my self or just being stupid.. which mainly comes from my refusal to wear my hearing aids. my hearing is gonig. i really am very deaf and seriously strugglling w/ conversations. i fear that i will be a horrible mother, because though i love kids, i cannot hear them at all. it is very scarry. atmitidly i have already picked out names., i think this must be a girl thing. but every 5 or 6 years i pick out new names of what i would call my kid of kids. maybe i will adopt, because i dont see my self getting pregnate, for the sheer hate of doctors and hospitals. it seams silly, but it true.
i bought a pirate t-shirt tonight. now i am feeling a little special. go me.
some of it is the beggining of the new school season, and everyone has dispersed. i very much miss the dynamics of highschool social atmosphear. i thought college was going to be something really great. but found it to feel alienating. the few times i met peopel in some of my classes that it seamed like i could be friends w/ they were in compleatly differnt majors and i never saw them again. the advice i always get is to put your self out ther, invite them to grab lunch w/ you or something. now iv tryed this, and have always been turned down and then the person avoiding my for quite a while, so obviously i'm doing something worng.
i love school.. i love sitting in class just listening. i really do enjoy it. from time to time i toss arround the idea of a masters in Illustration or technical design which would open up alot of doors in other fields- such as sporting equipment, shoes, furniture etc.
i want to say there is a fashion school East London University of something or other...
i think lonleyness is also derived from my thoughts of moving. i love being at home and am terrified to move on w/ my life because my parents are threatining to sell the house in the next 5 years so they can build something else. now there is not alot for me in denver carrear wise, and i dont see myself staying at Miller forever, and really i shouldent anyway. so i am terrified to do my own thing for fear that home will be yanked out from under me. prolly i fear this because it is the only place i have been truley happy, and so i want my parents to stay here, so that it will be here for me. but they want to build something new.
i thought that maybe i wold be moving somewhere w/ amy so i would not be on my own. alone. but unless we get this one particular house, that will not be. and i will be on my own, because i do not know anyone else that i would live w/ that i could live w/.
i am also very much missing my boy. and i know i miss what i want him to be, and the good times. but really not missing who he was most recently. besides, he was tired of me and tired of us and that really was what ran it all down. he didnt want me anymore, and i wanted him too badly. and so now i very much miss having that person that i call day or night simply just to say hi because i want to say hi, because i need to say hi. that person who watches bad movies w/ me a nd goes to target at 11 pm. that single person that i am not so much afraide to be myself arround.
and to top it all of, it was a bad day at work. so when i get like this i start doubting everything. i really am not a good artist. i feel no creativity that once was comming out of my ears. i am terrified to be alone for various reason. some of which i always end up mayking a fool of my self or just being stupid.. which mainly comes from my refusal to wear my hearing aids. my hearing is gonig. i really am very deaf and seriously strugglling w/ conversations. i fear that i will be a horrible mother, because though i love kids, i cannot hear them at all. it is very scarry. atmitidly i have already picked out names., i think this must be a girl thing. but every 5 or 6 years i pick out new names of what i would call my kid of kids. maybe i will adopt, because i dont see my self getting pregnate, for the sheer hate of doctors and hospitals. it seams silly, but it true.
i bought a pirate t-shirt tonight. now i am feeling a little special. go me.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
HAs
omg, so my audiologist just told me about some BEAUTIFUL new HAs. she thinks it iwll be a better fit for me than my current ones that, i um... never wear... yeah.
thing is i can try em for free. what it would cost me for new ones, i have no idea. since my last pair, that i um... never wear, cost more than my car. uh. yeah.
O but they are so pretty! and less ear mold for me to be alergic to!
http://www.oticonusa.com/eprise/main/Oticon/US_en/SEC_AboutHearing/LearnAboutHearing/Products/SEC_Delta/Design/_Index
i am voting for the chemelon green. if any one remembers my origional pair are silver w/ rinestones. they are really very cool. but there were several problems that arose after i bought them [like 4 years ago] that i was never able to over come. some of it was me, and alot of it was the aid. so yeah.
thing is i can try em for free. what it would cost me for new ones, i have no idea. since my last pair, that i um... never wear, cost more than my car. uh. yeah.
O but they are so pretty! and less ear mold for me to be alergic to!
http://www.oticonusa.com/eprise/main/Oticon/US_en/SEC_AboutHearing/LearnAboutHearing/Products/SEC_Delta/Design/_Index
i am voting for the chemelon green. if any one remembers my origional pair are silver w/ rinestones. they are really very cool. but there were several problems that arose after i bought them [like 4 years ago] that i was never able to over come. some of it was me, and alot of it was the aid. so yeah.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
hum
i have realized that i am doing here what i usualy do in the short periods that i keep journals. i am writting when i am emotional. and usually later i am more in agreement to a less far side of that emotion. for example my last post. later i though. why did i put that? buecause really when i sit back and think about it, i know that there was far more than WOW to our end. and that really it prolly wouldent work out again. ever.
so i will try to be more. or less. or something.
friday it was nice to just hang out w/ the neighbor girls and watch some movies.
saturday, i had a good day, went shopping w/ my mom. watched a movie and had chicken wings. so after a day of good, i was still lonely, and wishing i had something going down that night. didnt really feel like there was anyone i could call, that i dont feel like i call all the time.
i ended up at barns and noble. never really found what i was looking for. looked through a few how to be bitchen at photo shop mag.s though. which dosnt help me much since i work primairly in Illustrator.
i did but a new sketch book. i plan to start sketching again. i do alot of drawing at work, but alot of its copy art, and alot of it just has the creativity and imagination scrubbed out of it.
i finally took my scooter on speer, through LoDo, and down wadsworth into belmar today. it was a good day for focusing on the road w/o the traffic.
so i will try to be more. or less. or something.
friday it was nice to just hang out w/ the neighbor girls and watch some movies.
saturday, i had a good day, went shopping w/ my mom. watched a movie and had chicken wings. so after a day of good, i was still lonely, and wishing i had something going down that night. didnt really feel like there was anyone i could call, that i dont feel like i call all the time.
i ended up at barns and noble. never really found what i was looking for. looked through a few how to be bitchen at photo shop mag.s though. which dosnt help me much since i work primairly in Illustrator.
i did but a new sketch book. i plan to start sketching again. i do alot of drawing at work, but alot of its copy art, and alot of it just has the creativity and imagination scrubbed out of it.
i finally took my scooter on speer, through LoDo, and down wadsworth into belmar today. it was a good day for focusing on the road w/o the traffic.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
well. so last night i met up w/ a guy i have been talking to on email. hes nice enough. pretty goofy, reminds me alot of marc.- in personality, manerisms and speech pattern amoung other things.
its not going to go anywhere, i dont want it to. for one he reminds me too much of marc. now i like marc, but i dont ant to date marc. i really need to be on my own for a while. and i really still miss rosco so very much, every day. but what i miss was the boy who was growing up and was confident and would get a hair cut- the boy he was last fall. but this spring was just a downward spiral. and when we didnt move intogether in May i knew it was the last straw. in a way it makes it easyer to miss him, because i was so angrey w/ him for so long, and it just keept getting worse. so now i miss him terribly, but i am still happier than i have been in months.
he said lets still be friends. but then he never called. or anything else. maybe when he grows up, and gets on his feet again. i dont know. if he were to matuer a little i would take him back in a heart beat.
its not going to go anywhere, i dont want it to. for one he reminds me too much of marc. now i like marc, but i dont ant to date marc. i really need to be on my own for a while. and i really still miss rosco so very much, every day. but what i miss was the boy who was growing up and was confident and would get a hair cut- the boy he was last fall. but this spring was just a downward spiral. and when we didnt move intogether in May i knew it was the last straw. in a way it makes it easyer to miss him, because i was so angrey w/ him for so long, and it just keept getting worse. so now i miss him terribly, but i am still happier than i have been in months.
he said lets still be friends. but then he never called. or anything else. maybe when he grows up, and gets on his feet again. i dont know. if he were to matuer a little i would take him back in a heart beat.
Friday, August 18, 2006
CL pt. 2
i got a lot of responses.
interstice
I started taking to one guy inparticular. seems nice. not too much older, cute, etc. he was interesting, and acted interested, until tonight.
I mentioned that I had ended up w/out any plans and he suggested dinner. It very quickly became that he wanted me to go to his house, make me dinner and stay the night w/ him.
maybe I'm paranoid. Ok, I am.
but I didn't think I came off as a girl wanting a 1 night stand. I'm not even really the rebound type.
a 1 night stand would be nice.. Maybe, w/ some one I trust. That sounds odd. You think, you don't do those things w/ people you know.
I might. Have a number of guys friends I will never date, but love dearly. We flirt unabashedly, and so forth. I like being w/ them because they make me feel pretty and special. Which is pretty much what all girls want. And they are good people.
of course that brings up the age old problem of if I went a kissed or what ever all my guy friends then I would be slut. A guy would just be lucky, or I don't know cool.. Something defiantly in the more positive range.
so basically, I'm hurting from a recent break up, and am hurt that someone who was presumably a nice guy wanted a 1 nighter, think its odd that guys like 36 and up think shouldn't care about age and seem offended when I do. Even though I tell them that I'm just not a matureity level where I don't care.
so now I am going to curl up in bed w/ my camp fire smelling hoodie and pretend there is some one there w/ me.
i dont think there is advice for my ramblings. I'm not so sure they were coherent, yet again. O well. No one reads this anyway
interstice
I started taking to one guy inparticular. seems nice. not too much older, cute, etc. he was interesting, and acted interested, until tonight.
I mentioned that I had ended up w/out any plans and he suggested dinner. It very quickly became that he wanted me to go to his house, make me dinner and stay the night w/ him.
maybe I'm paranoid. Ok, I am.
but I didn't think I came off as a girl wanting a 1 night stand. I'm not even really the rebound type.
a 1 night stand would be nice.. Maybe, w/ some one I trust. That sounds odd. You think, you don't do those things w/ people you know.
I might. Have a number of guys friends I will never date, but love dearly. We flirt unabashedly, and so forth. I like being w/ them because they make me feel pretty and special. Which is pretty much what all girls want. And they are good people.
of course that brings up the age old problem of if I went a kissed or what ever all my guy friends then I would be slut. A guy would just be lucky, or I don't know cool.. Something defiantly in the more positive range.
so basically, I'm hurting from a recent break up, and am hurt that someone who was presumably a nice guy wanted a 1 nighter, think its odd that guys like 36 and up think shouldn't care about age and seem offended when I do. Even though I tell them that I'm just not a matureity level where I don't care.
so now I am going to curl up in bed w/ my camp fire smelling hoodie and pretend there is some one there w/ me.
i dont think there is advice for my ramblings. I'm not so sure they were coherent, yet again. O well. No one reads this anyway
craigs list.
well. i did somethign crazy. well crazy for me anyway.
post on craisgs list the weomen seeking men. it didnt say too much, i like banjos, no scary movies, uh...i run sometimes... heh that was aobut it.
all the other women were posting oabut partying or finding the one.
i posted because i was board. no pic. i didnt have a good one. gonna try to get a decent one w/ the scoot for Modern Vespa forums. maybe ill post that. but got alot of responce, i was supprised.
i'm not looking, still quite a bit broken hearted over the last one, but i thought, hey what could happen. got some pics from some hot guys, now i'm like, "crap, ill send em a pic. of me and that will be the end of it." o well, if it is that sohuld tell me something about them then, huh?
post on craisgs list the weomen seeking men. it didnt say too much, i like banjos, no scary movies, uh...i run sometimes... heh that was aobut it.
all the other women were posting oabut partying or finding the one.
i posted because i was board. no pic. i didnt have a good one. gonna try to get a decent one w/ the scoot for Modern Vespa forums. maybe ill post that. but got alot of responce, i was supprised.
i'm not looking, still quite a bit broken hearted over the last one, but i thought, hey what could happen. got some pics from some hot guys, now i'm like, "crap, ill send em a pic. of me and that will be the end of it." o well, if it is that sohuld tell me something about them then, huh?
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
lunch break
i went out to lunch today, because i didnt make a sandwhich this morning.
i used to go out w/ a girl i worked w/. once a week we would go somewhere. it was fun to have a friend at work to gossip w/ aobut everything else other that the office meltdowns of the day.
she got married and quit work. i tryed to get a few other people to go to lunch w/ me, but they always have reasons not to go. at first i thought everyone would notice that i was the only one at chipotle or wherever eatting by myself, but as i looed arround today and the last few times i have been out, i notticed a large amount of obviously office people eatting by their selves.
Why is this? are people so hassled during work that they enjoy eatting alone quietly? or like me can they not find someone else to go to lunch w/?
i wish i had the courage to go sit w/ another lone eater... or that there was a larger table reserved for singles, even if you dont talk to anyone you get the chance to sit w/ someone else at lunch.
sometime maybe.
i dont know if i will keep this blog up for more than a week, before i forget aobut it. but maybe it will be good for me. in the last 2 months i have had alot of ups and downs. broke up w/ a long time boyfriend that i love dearly- [he's not who he used to be, and is afraide to try to be again, i am sorry for him going through life w/ crushing fear of everything.] i got my motorcycle licends, bought a vespa and found out my insurance was more than i bargened for. a friend from kindergarden got married, i went to the wedding, but she never called me back later. 2 friends moved far away, and others just live on the other side of town. a few started grad school. and i, well i dont know aobut the futre, but i am afraide of it, for reason that may be disclosed later when i'm not supposed to be heading back to work.
i dont clame to be a writter, or even to write very coherently. my spelling leaves much to be desired.
so if you comment, dont comment on how poorly written this blog is, or how poorly spelled. thats not really the point, is it?
i used to go out w/ a girl i worked w/. once a week we would go somewhere. it was fun to have a friend at work to gossip w/ aobut everything else other that the office meltdowns of the day.
she got married and quit work. i tryed to get a few other people to go to lunch w/ me, but they always have reasons not to go. at first i thought everyone would notice that i was the only one at chipotle or wherever eatting by myself, but as i looed arround today and the last few times i have been out, i notticed a large amount of obviously office people eatting by their selves.
Why is this? are people so hassled during work that they enjoy eatting alone quietly? or like me can they not find someone else to go to lunch w/?
i wish i had the courage to go sit w/ another lone eater... or that there was a larger table reserved for singles, even if you dont talk to anyone you get the chance to sit w/ someone else at lunch.
sometime maybe.
i dont know if i will keep this blog up for more than a week, before i forget aobut it. but maybe it will be good for me. in the last 2 months i have had alot of ups and downs. broke up w/ a long time boyfriend that i love dearly- [he's not who he used to be, and is afraide to try to be again, i am sorry for him going through life w/ crushing fear of everything.] i got my motorcycle licends, bought a vespa and found out my insurance was more than i bargened for. a friend from kindergarden got married, i went to the wedding, but she never called me back later. 2 friends moved far away, and others just live on the other side of town. a few started grad school. and i, well i dont know aobut the futre, but i am afraide of it, for reason that may be disclosed later when i'm not supposed to be heading back to work.
i dont clame to be a writter, or even to write very coherently. my spelling leaves much to be desired.
so if you comment, dont comment on how poorly written this blog is, or how poorly spelled. thats not really the point, is it?
scoot
i bought a 04 Vespa Grantourismo 200 last week. is is vintage green [discontenued]- and apparently the very first GT sold in Kansas City.
this baby can fly, no slowing on hils and i hit 50 before i know it.
totally bitchen.
seeing as i am at work should prolly not be typing right now.
this baby can fly, no slowing on hils and i hit 50 before i know it.
totally bitchen.
seeing as i am at work should prolly not be typing right now.
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