lost?

i seam to have lost my intrest in... well everything.

i used othave creative ideas running out my ears, but now not so much. [i think i may have wrotten some of this bfor, but owell] i am half way through 3 boks w/ no intrest in finishing any of them. the first one is Wicked. i made it aobut half way and just cannot seam to pick the book up again. its just...bad. compleatly un intresting un compleing, nothing so far makes me want to find out what happends. the second is called.... something.. written in the 40s i think aobut a man who leaves france w/ his family to move back to the ozarks to the family farm and make a liveon the land- The Good Earth, i tink its called... i'm about a quater of the way in. usually this is a book i would enjoy, very much. bt i cannt seem to get into it. the third is The Book Of Color. this is an amazlingly facinating book, where every chapter is aobut a differnt color and how it originated and what it has symbolized and been used for through out history. i'v read a few colors and cant seam to pick it up again.
i have also lost anythoungs of sewing, or creating, painting... etc. i just. i dont know. my mind is consumed w/ dread of my parents selling the house out from under me... of worrying aobut that and feeling like i cant move on w/ my own lifes goals because i'm so afradide to louse the house. consumed w/ thoughts of traveling.... thinking aobut days that used to be. days i wish that were again. i so very much miss sitting in biology on a warm fall day, w. the sulight streaming in. and dont think that i am oblivious to these moments when they are there. i often look arroundand think: this is perfict. this is something to keep coming back to.

i have a job... i'm making $. i have a few friends and things really should be ok. but they are not. i just feel... lost. kind of floating. wanting to move out, but knowing that i will fell horribly depressed being even more alone. most good friends are not close by... no boy to watch bad movies w/ among other things.

i started drwing again.. but when i try to think of things my mind goes blank. i see colors... things that i could never put into words or on paper... i think we call them feeling. things i want to share w/ some one else. but you cant. and even when they are there for them it never feels the same as when you are alone and wish some one was there to feel the moment w/ you.



my friend danced w/ his girlfriend last night at the concert we were at. i was very rpoud of him, because he is not so much the type to dance in public, but she wanted to, so he did, and he looked like he was having a good time. maybe because it was easy dance music, and maybe because everyone arround us was dancing as well. but alot of people still would not. but he did. and i was proud of him.

i dont know where i swas going w/ any of this, this so very much of nothing, nothing sent out into the void.

so i ask, deep void- help me find myself again. i miss me. i dont know if anyone else does. but i sure do.