Sunday, December 24, 2006


i was enjoying watching my xmas tree more than the tv. TV turned off.. i was going to read.... then i stated having weird thoughts about the floor boards..and it was 2 hrs later. to bed i went, not long after 9. a little early, considering the decent amounts of sleep i have had the last several days.
sadly i am feeling a mild panic about work. yes i will go in Tuesday and get things done that i need to get done, but still, i will not have over achieved.

i had been having a weird dram about lines at a burger king and the STUPID ASS people in them. never the less woke up rather angry. now, i have the overactive imagination that can do one of 2 things. i cant either imagine my self into happier places and go right back to sleep, or i can get deeper into the feeling of the dream. i immediately started doing the second. so here i am, because if i get up and away, i will quickly forget, and all is well.

i have been thinking about that lately- that i had not dreamed in a long time. which is not entirely true. i tend to dream when i am dosing in front of movies and what not. but the second i wake up and try to determine what i was thinking about, it is gone :poof: and i am left w/ and odd feeling of.... i don't really know. how ever, i had not been dreaming at night when i am actually in bed. as a rule, i rarely remember dreams after i have been awake roughly 5.3 seconds, or remember them well enough to even give a very randomly vague description.

i always wanted to have those dreams that when looked at later are insight into things in my life. the kind of dreams that contain people who are important to you, and you interact some how in the dram, and then later once you are awake, it all is apparent and representative. no such luck.

i do have recurring dreams. but those are bad. my dreams in general are scary or angrey or very very sad.- especially the recurring ones. every great once in a while i have one that is just simply :blah:, but that is all. i cannot remember the last good dream i had.

i keep wanting to replace the radio in my car. its been almost a year. but to replace the radio i need to replace the security system, since my car is a determinable hit when it comes to things being stolen. but.... i think i do most of my thinking when i am in my car. because it is entirely quiet. allot of times i sing. i sing loud, and i sing bad. i pretend i don't. i pretend i have the range to do carol of the bells perfectly. in reality i have 1 pitch, it really does not vary hardly at all, and i have no idea what "correct pitch" might be or how to find it. sadly, i think that even if you showed me, i would never be able to match it- even if i did have range.

out side of my car i have stoped thinking. that is greatly my doing. i immerse myself in movies and tv shows and interesting things on the internet and reading and craft projects and sports and food and what have you. everything possible not to have to think. for a while now that has been good for me. because for a while now, if i am left alone to think for too long i end up horribly horribly up set for several days until i can bland out my brain again and get it distracted and not really thinking about anything.
now there have been some exceptions. AIM pulls me out, into a different realm, where i can think about parts of the conversation for days [this is true w/ real life conversation as well], thinking over what i said, what the other person said, what i would like to say now that i have thought about it, things i meant to say but forgot during the moment and most importantly, what the other person said and how i feel about it.
lately thought, i have found i have a hard time pulling my self out of the media, so that i can think when i want to. the weather has been bad, and when it has been good, my walks have not exceeded a mile and a half, and i really need about 3 to think allot of things over. [i pray for good weather and later sun sets] when at home i am drawn to my computer and sometimes movies and the tv. it is hard for me to turn them off- walk away, and focus on other things. i couldn't focus on the movie last night, and i couldn't focus on reading after the tv was off.... and so i promptly fell right back to sleep. so i welcome this 3 am awakeness. i may be tired the rest of the day, but who cares? its Christmas eve. NOTHING happens Christmas eve. we are gonig to dinner at 5:30, then we will look at lights, and then... maybe watch natl' lampoons xmas vacation. [though maybe not, we watched it last yr and my mother hates watching things in repeat.] only thing this will do for me, is help me get to sleep, and that is good because admittedly, no matter how unpulsed about the actual holiday i am, the actual day isn't that high on my list.- admittedly i cannot sleep Christmas eve. at least not until about 2 am. i still listen for santa [though i was informed he is not coming this yr, but well see]- because you see, there is still a very tiny part of me- at age 23 that wonders. and another larger part of me that really wants it to be true.
i am less interested in the actual day of Christmas than about the season and the holiday spirit. i enjoy buying presents, allot of times i buy things much earlier in the yr and just save them until now. this yr i finally feel like i can actually buy a few things for friends and family with out putting myself in debt practically. [though prolly i am at this point.] i LOVE the lights. i love seeing everything all decorated up w/ pine bough and garland swags and ribbon. but lights are just magical... winter nights are allot of it i think. because sadly lights louse [only a tiny smidgen, mind you] - louse there magic when they are not viewed in the cold. winter nights are crisp and clear. they are a time for bundling up and walking and hot coco or cider. they are a time for snow flakes and carols. winter nights are wonderful.
every yr i watch charlie brown xmas. i love it very much. i have the cd.. the music stands on its own in a way i cannot describe [i have not actually listened to it this yr, as w/ many of my cds my parents have stolen it and put it in one of their cars.- but this is only another thing to inflict rage in me tonight- and the reason against this post, of why i have not been thinking for a while]. every yr Linus tells charlie brown the meaning of Christmas. every yr i listen to it and those beautiful words are only sounds. because that's not really how i think about the season.
for me Christmas is about lights- especially those houses decorated in the older burbs- where people have been buying one new lawn ornaments every yr for 40 or 50 years, and the put them all on display. those are the best. no arguments. Christmas is about snowy walks and hot cider, fire places and good food. Christmas is about friends and family, and taking a small bit of time to think about- i mean rally think about what they mean to you, and to take the time to show them how much they mean. often we do this w/ a gift, be it rally hart felt, or something kind of random, because there were not $10 gifts or even words to describe how we feel about these people and what they mean to us. Christmas is about love. and it takes an entire season to inflict this feeling in people so that they have something to get them through jan and feb- because lets face it, valentines day, despite all its effort, really does the opposite.

back to night lights.
i am 23. my mother was married by now, so was a cosine and most of my aunts and grandmothers. from a distance- a distance of middle school or high school, 23 looks like a time when you are plenty old enough to decided if you are easy to be married or not. but now i am here. i really think about this about every 6 months or so. most likely because i know society says i am old enough- i am employed, self supported, out of the house, done w/ school- i can be ready now. my last relationship was not the one. i knew it would not last about a yr in. at 3 years, i wasn't quite ready to let go, but we both knew it was time. walk away. it wasn't anyones fault, really, there are allot of things to blame, and i still do. but really it was personality, and personal growth. we were in different places in our lives. i had hoped to stay friends, since the split was mutual, but he doesn't want to talk to me. i sincerely wish him nothing but the best. farewell dear friend.
but while dating him, i wanted him to be the one. and maybe that's why we lasted 3 years. i had seen some maturity that told me maybe he was growing up and some previous issues would move to the back burner and work out. they did not. also, i like to be comfortable- i like spontaneity, but really don't like change unless i am ready. so when faced with being single again, i was mildly terrified. would i ever date again? apparently so. though admittedly it is nice to have friends who can keep their mouths shut until the time is appropriate instead of causing immense drama at the wrong time. this has only worked out well for him. weather there are others, i have no idea nore do i want to, i am, to a degree, purposely oblivious.
but for as long as i have known i wanted to be married and have a family, i have known that the idea didn't sit quite right. i could not ever picture my self in white and having a wedding. i never planned "dream weddings" when i was younger. it just never felt right. some of that is because i dont like partys centered around me anyway. so i had decided that the easiest compromise would be to elope to Canada and have a party later. Canada still looks good, but now older i say "hell, screw Canada, lets hit Europe and make it the honey moon too."
only recently have i entertained the thought of a wedding that i would like. -sure there are beautiful mountain sides and gardens galore, all would be spectacular, but none felt ...real...
i was at the botanic garden the other night, for Blossoms of Light, and i thought, this could be very fun. a night time wedding in parkas, then rent a room inside for the reception and warmth. now maybe this thought was spurred by 2 things: 1, there have been years of trying to figure out how to fit in red velvet dress and a winter wedding- due to too many viewing of White Christmas and 2, only earlier that night i had walked by a bridal shop and had liked every single dress in the window. [most wedding dresses are ugly as sin.]
and so since then all my previous thoughts on the subject have been swirling. when will i be ready. i really don't know. i have, recently, been feeling older than ever before- less gawky 12 yr old, and more just geeky 12 yr old.- and older in a different way, that i can only describe a relaxed and content and ...right. and for the first time ever, entertaining the idea of marriage and a wedding [or most likely not] actually seem real- like it is something i will do, not just something that will happen some time when i am old enough.
so like anything else that is floating in my mind, i start googling. i like to plan and research. let me research and plan the crap out of something for a few weeks and then i will louse interest and happily go w/ the flow. so googling i have been- googling rings and dresses, a few castle rentals- not cake yet- i think that is next. what ever i do, i do want the dress. the dress is important, and symbolic, weather you believe in a full catholic mass or simply saying vows. it is important.

i am not ready yet. but, i am more ready than i have ever been before.

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