lonelyness

i'm feeling very lonley tonight. very alone.

some of it is the beggining of the new school season, and everyone has dispersed. i very much miss the dynamics of highschool social atmosphear. i thought college was going to be something really great. but found it to feel alienating. the few times i met peopel in some of my classes that it seamed like i could be friends w/ they were in compleatly differnt majors and i never saw them again. the advice i always get is to put your self out ther, invite them to grab lunch w/ you or something. now iv tryed this, and have always been turned down and then the person avoiding my for quite a while, so obviously i'm doing something worng.

i love school.. i love sitting in class just listening. i really do enjoy it. from time to time i toss arround the idea of a masters in Illustration or technical design which would open up alot of doors in other fields- such as sporting equipment, shoes, furniture etc.
i want to say there is a fashion school East London University of something or other...

i think lonleyness is also derived from my thoughts of moving. i love being at home and am terrified to move on w/ my life because my parents are threatining to sell the house in the next 5 years so they can build something else. now there is not alot for me in denver carrear wise, and i dont see myself staying at Miller forever, and really i shouldent anyway. so i am terrified to do my own thing for fear that home will be yanked out from under me. prolly i fear this because it is the only place i have been truley happy, and so i want my parents to stay here, so that it will be here for me. but they want to build something new.
i thought that maybe i wold be moving somewhere w/ amy so i would not be on my own. alone. but unless we get this one particular house, that will not be. and i will be on my own, because i do not know anyone else that i would live w/ that i could live w/.

i am also very much missing my boy. and i know i miss what i want him to be, and the good times. but really not missing who he was most recently. besides, he was tired of me and tired of us and that really was what ran it all down. he didnt want me anymore, and i wanted him too badly. and so now i very much miss having that person that i call day or night simply just to say hi because i want to say hi, because i need to say hi. that person who watches bad movies w/ me a nd goes to target at 11 pm. that single person that i am not so much afraide to be myself arround.

and to top it all of, it was a bad day at work. so when i get like this i start doubting everything. i really am not a good artist. i feel no creativity that once was comming out of my ears. i am terrified to be alone for various reason. some of which i always end up mayking a fool of my self or just being stupid.. which mainly comes from my refusal to wear my hearing aids. my hearing is gonig. i really am very deaf and seriously strugglling w/ conversations. i fear that i will be a horrible mother, because though i love kids, i cannot hear them at all. it is very scarry. atmitidly i have already picked out names., i think this must be a girl thing. but every 5 or 6 years i pick out new names of what i would call my kid of kids. maybe i will adopt, because i dont see my self getting pregnate, for the sheer hate of doctors and hospitals. it seams silly, but it true.

i bought a pirate t-shirt tonight. now i am feeling a little special. go me.