time

going through boxes with jumbles of childhood memories i pull out:

notes from prolly 5th grade between girls who stopped talking to me not far down the line... one form robin about a movie...
a barbie ski
valentine cards from years when we made covered boxes and labeled a valentine for everyone in the class.
some domino's
a button w/ a kitty on it.
silly putty
bouncy ball
couple marbles
a barbie purse
a pin that says "its my birthday."

the list goes on... everything important, most going in the trash. i have finally talked my self into letting go... of.... a lot. something i have been struggling with for a number of years. letting go. every little thing, i have connection to.. a series of memories. letting go of them makes me feel like i am letting go of those memories and of childhood. i think this is because i am not the best when it comes to memory.. but when i have a physical item they come flooding back.

i have admitted numerous times that i have far more passions than any one person needs to have at this point in their life. but why? well.. for the above reasons... also hobbies.. i have hoards of sewing stuff.. and art supplies.. books.... cloths....sporting equip... etc. it adds up. i don't just have one thing. i have everything. i like everything. and am always seeking new things. i love having special treasures and keep sakes.

this is part of growing up though.. i suppose.... keeping only a few very precious things and doing away w/ many other things that are really not that important.

::sigh::

speaking of which. i am happy to say hat living by myself has been happy. not many have seen my new place yet. but i have one person who keeps me company a few times a week, and between him and soccer and my parents and work... i'm just not alone too much. and its good. but i wish there were about 3 more days in the week. a night for crafts, and a night for reading, a night for cleaning, a night for watching tv... some how even my off nights seem full. thought.. maybe that because im still trying to get the rest of the crap out of my room and evenings have been devoted to that.
i just need one more day or so w/ some serious moving help to get the last of it i think. good luck to my parents getting all the stars and what not off the ceiling. i would feel bad if i wer'nt pissed that they have totally kicked me out of my room so my parents can each have their own office.


my big worry about moving had been that i would be seriously depressed at night. and i am on and off.. though i think its more sad and a whole combination of things that caus that. i know it, i can pin point them actually. im better in the morning.

but things are good. i am good. and i am happy. i just wish i could make my nights w/ the boy more of a constant thing. we don't have to go out. the nights where we sit on the couch and read are as good as any. but we have several months until leases are up. my hope is to get my landlord to allow both a boy and a cat. it may be a bit cramped... but. it would work i think. that's part of my weeding down possessions as well as clothing thing too. i need to not be able to fill a small house on my own. the travel time for him is longer.. between work and here mainly... but hes already justified that its really only one more trip a week than he already doing.. the other would be broken up by school in the middle.
i really don't want to move again so soon.. still getting unpacked and organized really. but we will see. depends on my landlord.. and us... we have to go to china first. which should be interesting as we have never traveled farther than winter park together. it should be good though. i'm just along for the ride, this is the boys trip.

its not that we have an odd relationship. it makes perfect sense to us. if i told you all the things about us that we've not told you you might be surprised. but were comfortable. our pace is kind of back and forth, side to side and kind of forward.... to an outsider it might seem fast. but on the inside it just feels like we are catching up to lost time. lost time that is only there because we needed to each date other people first. those other relationships made us who we are and made us know our selves better. i think my original perdition's of doom would have been shortly lived out had we gotten together from the get go. but 2 boyfriends, 2 girlfriends, 3 schools, 1 graduation, several jobs and 6 different cities later.... its finally right.