Friday, June 26, 2009

growing up

at 25 1/2 i have no idea what i want out of life.

i know that i want to live the kind of life that i can look back at and be happy what i achieved and have lots of good stories to tell.

there are a lot of places i want to go and things i want to do. the question is: how many of them are realistically achievable? how many are worth trying for- even if you fail. which ones are fantasy, that sound fun, but will probably not ever even be attempted? and how do you decided with direction to go?

i, of course, always pick expensive, time consuming hobbies.

i want to travel. i want to see everything.
Belarus is currently towards the top of the list, as well and Argentina, New Zealand, and japan.
i still haven't been to Carlsbad or Vancouver or San Francisco.

i think it would be fun to keep bees.

i want to live in a cottage.
i want to live near Taos.

i want to be in business for something kookie. designing fabric. making soap. something crafty.

i want to not work a desk job forever. because i hate it. essentially i am doing what i set out to do. i am designing children's cloths, and fabrics, and screen prints. fun right? well, except for the part where i am inside at a desk all day. ulg.
i don't like restricting hours.
maybe i can have a business doing stationary and planning tea parties? i don't know anyone who has ever actually made money at that.
somehow Tim and i both want the kind of job that involves no one making any money. we don't have to be rich, but i like to be comfortable.

i have a habit of staying in things for too long. i have that sheer determination that if i just stick with it for long enough it will all work out.
yet somehow i don't seem to have that determination in a positive setting.

on that matter: my roller derby may soon be at an end. i hurt when i skate. i can feel every old injury. my knees are bad. my feet still hurt. my back doesn't feel right if i get hit just so.
but i want to be a full out hard hitting, ass kicking roller girl. my body thinks its a terrible idea. i know that i can say i tryed. and that i did what i could to fix things, BUT... i have this deep seated idea in my head that if i just keep pushing through one day the sun will shine and the birds will sing and everything will be great. annnd maybe i will convince my self that its not getting better, i tryed and its not going to work, but that is ok.

what direction do i go now?

No comments: