anxiety attacks.

i get myself in such a tizzy sometimes. well, more like anxiety attacks that last for days.
i have been kind of , not right for a while now. have been making various changes as i go, but i still wonder if some of it might be sleep apnea.
anyway, i get all wound up and it completely destroys everything going on for me. i have a hard time letting go and gettign past it. and quite often i don't know why I'm so mad, and am perfectly aware that its stupid.

i have traveled. i know that in pretty much all aspects of life i have nothing to be unhappy about.
i'm wildly in love with my husband.
we are happy.
we have a house.
no debt.
kitties!
a garden.
i can aford a car and a scooter.
we both have decent jobs.
i have a degree and am working in the field of which that degree is.
i have health insurance.
i am -we are both fairly healthy- with the exception of more recent hickups, and trying to sort that crap out.
we both get along with our parents. and love our familys.
we can choose to do activities- for me this is soccer and derby. and an art class last semester.
we have friends we see periodically.
we live fairly comfertably.
etc. etc.


so why why why, can i not just have fun and enjoy the ride? why do i have to i have to freak that i'm not progressing in my job or derby as quickly as i think i should? or anything else? and once i'm freaked everything that has ever annoyed me is sudenly a big ass deal, instead of just a side bar even that doesnt matter.
jeezes.
CALM THE FUCK DOWN. SLAP. SLAP.

maybe i will sleep tonight.